That miracle did not happen in my time and I can not even begin to put into words how very painful this event was for me. On some levels, I wondered how in the world I would make it through this weekend. And, on others I knew that God was still very much in control. My peace within existed, yet my fears wavered.
I had great opportunities for distraction which helped in many ways even though it could not erase the burden on my heart. I struggled. And, unable to sleep found myself experiencing all the emotions again. There are so many questions, so many "are you kidding me?" moments, so many unjust outcomes thus far.
I heard this song this morning on the radio and found myself not only relating heavily but finding slight comfort within it's message: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ. (Laura Story--Blessings) What if these trials are your mercy's in disguise? It kind of coincides with a message that came to me in the beginning of this journey 3 years ago. I heard this message and I suppose you could say it was direct from God, but it came to me that I would have to lose everything to gain it all.
I didn't know exactly what that meant but over the past 3 years I have come to understand a great deal of that message. I have lost so much. I went from a "life of luxury" if you will to poverty. I lost my home. I lost my church family by being cast out. I lost many, many friends. I lost my life savings. I lost my children's educational funds. I lost many monetary items. I even lost my state license to practice. And, yet I feel as though I have more than I ever did before. Up until this past court date, I have not felt that the end was quite here. But, in light of the latest loss, I now question is this it? Please, Dear Lord....let this be it!
For in this last ruling, I have lost more than my mind can fathom. There are some aspects of loss that I have not yet discussed with others but it may be the cornerstone for me in this journey. It is an area that I continue to pray about and seek answers and it is an area that is tough to digest. The other aspects of loss are obvious and I grieve along with many others that know the fine details and fail to comprehend just as much as I do.
I am tired! I am so, so very tired. The journey takes it all out of me. And, yet central themes/messages continue to prevail. The topic of today's sermon was Hebrews 12:1-3.
It states, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And, let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of highest honor beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up."
How very powerful is that....and at the most perfect time! There is that part of me that wants to give up just so that it will end. But, that's not the answer and much as I would like it to be that simple, it simply is not. I must persevere. I must continue to move forward not for me, but for my children. What an amazing strength they provide. And, I must do so in the right manner because it is a testament of faith. I do believe in God. I do believe He has a purpose in all of these trials. And, I must continue to trust that hard as it is, and live each day according to His will and His plan and hope that I will be able to one day see the full picture and understand.
All praise and glory be to God!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Eyes on Heaven
I am here and I am breathing and just for today that is all I can do. My tears have been overflowing and my brain simply can not comprehend the situation. Thank goodness for friends and prayer and above all else a loving God that embraces me during these difficult trials.
There are many people doing some fancy footwork right now in efforts to see if wrongs can be made right. Even in the midst of the wrongs that have been made, the endeavor to make it right will likely be an uphill battle and without a true miracle will not prevent further and unnecessary damage and trauma to the innocent.
How is a mother to move forward in such as this? I sit back and listen to my oldest son who is wise way beyond his years. I listen to his strong desire to go to Heaven. How amazing is he that is so on fire he longs to be with Jesus. If I can maintain that focus, how much better would things be right now?
Yes, we live in an imperfect world filled with pain and sorrow. Yes, it is temporary. And, yet it is so difficult to maintain our true purpose when faced with trials that knock us off our feet. I had a moment, ever so brief in which I was able to simply sit back and say...."Lord, let me continue to shine for you in the process." Regardless of it all, to hear Jesus say, "Well done my child," would be far greater than anything this earth could possibly offer.
I want to remain faithful. I want to continue giving it over to Him, and trying not to take it back. I want to continue doing the right thing when ever fiber in my being is screaming the opposite! My prayers have steadily increased. I continue to pray for my children's safety and well being but I am also praying for that urgent miracle! I am praying for the guidance in how to provide for this travesty as well. And, I am trying to listen.
Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
There are many people doing some fancy footwork right now in efforts to see if wrongs can be made right. Even in the midst of the wrongs that have been made, the endeavor to make it right will likely be an uphill battle and without a true miracle will not prevent further and unnecessary damage and trauma to the innocent.
How is a mother to move forward in such as this? I sit back and listen to my oldest son who is wise way beyond his years. I listen to his strong desire to go to Heaven. How amazing is he that is so on fire he longs to be with Jesus. If I can maintain that focus, how much better would things be right now?
Yes, we live in an imperfect world filled with pain and sorrow. Yes, it is temporary. And, yet it is so difficult to maintain our true purpose when faced with trials that knock us off our feet. I had a moment, ever so brief in which I was able to simply sit back and say...."Lord, let me continue to shine for you in the process." Regardless of it all, to hear Jesus say, "Well done my child," would be far greater than anything this earth could possibly offer.
I want to remain faithful. I want to continue giving it over to Him, and trying not to take it back. I want to continue doing the right thing when ever fiber in my being is screaming the opposite! My prayers have steadily increased. I continue to pray for my children's safety and well being but I am also praying for that urgent miracle! I am praying for the guidance in how to provide for this travesty as well. And, I am trying to listen.
Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
1 Chronicles 16:11-13
New International Version (NIV)
11 Look to the Lord and his strength;
seek his face always.
seek his face always.
12 Remember the wonders he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Crushing Sorrows
This was it....the BIG week....the BIG decision! And, devastating does not even begin to touch the heart-ache of the outcome. I have never....so many things have floored me within the process but this by far tops the cake.
The decision had already been clearly made prior to us entering the courtroom and it was so ruled based upon things that simply can not be....we'll leave it there for now. There may be more to this story but at this moment, it is what it is. I am hereby in contempt. And, not only am I at a loss on this level, but I must also pay for his attorney's fees, etc. in addition to my own.
I was also in very certain and clear terms threatened by the powers that be to avoid measures that would protect the innocent. There was more added at this moment but given the details and where we are in the process, that will be withheld. The bottom line is that I have been placed in a no-win situation.
And, who suffers?....If it were simply me, I could put on my big girl britches. But, the heartache that comes from this is simply far greater than I can adequately put into words. I focus on breathing....literally at times. I focus in order to maintain my composure in front of precious, little ones that need me now more than ever.
It is no easy task. The heaviness is felt in every fiber of my being. I have experienced many thoughts, most of which are not one's that your average joe would admit. But, they have been there. I understand how people can get to certain levels and make certain choices today. I may not be able to see myself acting out on those thoughts, but I do understand. What happens when evil prevails and justice is no where near? What happens when little ones depend on you for certain things and you are not "allowed" to fulfill those needs?
A test of faith? I really do not know. I'm beyond words at this point. Somewhere deep within I still believe that the truth will come out and that things will somehow work out but right now it's hard for me to hold on to that belief and that trust.
I am thankful for friends that let me wail and share words that one can barely comprehend through all the tears. I am thankful for those that continue to pray. I am thankful for the love and support of so many that have helped me walk through this journey. I WILL keep walking forward, one step at a time.
If you are following this blog, I ask for your many prayers during this time. I ask that you pray for miracles at this point. Please pray for the protection of those innocent lives. Please pray that the truth will be revealed and that this will all come to an end.
Numbers 11:17
I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take some of the power of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them. They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone.
The decision had already been clearly made prior to us entering the courtroom and it was so ruled based upon things that simply can not be....we'll leave it there for now. There may be more to this story but at this moment, it is what it is. I am hereby in contempt. And, not only am I at a loss on this level, but I must also pay for his attorney's fees, etc. in addition to my own.
I was also in very certain and clear terms threatened by the powers that be to avoid measures that would protect the innocent. There was more added at this moment but given the details and where we are in the process, that will be withheld. The bottom line is that I have been placed in a no-win situation.
And, who suffers?....If it were simply me, I could put on my big girl britches. But, the heartache that comes from this is simply far greater than I can adequately put into words. I focus on breathing....literally at times. I focus in order to maintain my composure in front of precious, little ones that need me now more than ever.
It is no easy task. The heaviness is felt in every fiber of my being. I have experienced many thoughts, most of which are not one's that your average joe would admit. But, they have been there. I understand how people can get to certain levels and make certain choices today. I may not be able to see myself acting out on those thoughts, but I do understand. What happens when evil prevails and justice is no where near? What happens when little ones depend on you for certain things and you are not "allowed" to fulfill those needs?
A test of faith? I really do not know. I'm beyond words at this point. Somewhere deep within I still believe that the truth will come out and that things will somehow work out but right now it's hard for me to hold on to that belief and that trust.
I am thankful for friends that let me wail and share words that one can barely comprehend through all the tears. I am thankful for those that continue to pray. I am thankful for the love and support of so many that have helped me walk through this journey. I WILL keep walking forward, one step at a time.
If you are following this blog, I ask for your many prayers during this time. I ask that you pray for miracles at this point. Please pray for the protection of those innocent lives. Please pray that the truth will be revealed and that this will all come to an end.
Numbers 11:17
I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take some of the power of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them. They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Friday Freedom
It's Friday. Thank goodness! And, this past week has been much better. I realize my last post was not your "feel good" type of writing but it was brutal truth none the less. Within trials, those moments exist. I can not stay in them long today. I have learned that I must walk through it but then walk beyond it and keep taking the next right step.
The beginning of this week started off with the pure joy of having my babies back safe in my arms. There is no greater joy! I also had the pleasure of talking with those that are strong supports right now and that comes with added relief. It's hard to talk about this stuff at times because it, well....it's heavy. But, having that ability is so beneficial and healing in the midst of it all.
I also had plenty of opportunity this week to focus on others and that rocks! :) I'm really loving my new life here even though the trials continue. There are lots of good things on the horizon, good friends, good supports, and a great church.
I am again on the brink of a faith walk after having received the attorney's bill for this month due by the end of the month. It's beyond me and my comprehension right now. I have no idea how it will pan out but I'm praying and brainstorming and to my own surprise have not been overly stressed by it's seeming impossibility.
Aside from this, we are simply in a holding pattern. Court is fast approaching but until then we kick back and enjoy life. I am so thankful for new friends that remind me just how to do this when it's most needed!
Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
The beginning of this week started off with the pure joy of having my babies back safe in my arms. There is no greater joy! I also had the pleasure of talking with those that are strong supports right now and that comes with added relief. It's hard to talk about this stuff at times because it, well....it's heavy. But, having that ability is so beneficial and healing in the midst of it all.
I also had plenty of opportunity this week to focus on others and that rocks! :) I'm really loving my new life here even though the trials continue. There are lots of good things on the horizon, good friends, good supports, and a great church.
I am again on the brink of a faith walk after having received the attorney's bill for this month due by the end of the month. It's beyond me and my comprehension right now. I have no idea how it will pan out but I'm praying and brainstorming and to my own surprise have not been overly stressed by it's seeming impossibility.
Aside from this, we are simply in a holding pattern. Court is fast approaching but until then we kick back and enjoy life. I am so thankful for new friends that remind me just how to do this when it's most needed!
Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
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