Follow Your Heart

I thought in light of some things that I have been facing recently, I would take this opportunity to switch gears for a minute and share on a slightly different topic.  This journey has brought about many opportunities for growth, reflection, and healing and I've touched on some of those along the way.  But, what some may not realize is that in God's plan, the things we gain may be so far from what we might expect.  I'm not sure that this lesson is necessarily far off base, but it's certainly not one that I would have envisioned being a part of this process.

Care to take a little journey back in time with me?....Throughout my engagement, I was still in the beginning stages of my career.  In fact, I was fresh out of my internship.  And, I was able to work in that same place following the internship.  And, I was lost!  :)  But, I worked with some knowledgeable folks and one of them in many ways took me under his wing to "train" me.  It was one of my greatest experiences in the field.  And, the added benefit to it is that is came with an awesome friendship.

Over the course of our working experience and our friendship there were many a moments that I would catch myself thinking, "this is the kind of relationship I want" and naively thinking this would someday happen with my then fiance.  And, there were moments when I "felt" far more than I should as a friend and I would quickly push it away and try with every fiber in my being to ignore it.  Why?  Because I was engaged?  Because in my mind that was wrong?  Because I tried to bring in the doubt factor and brush it off?  But, the bottom line is over time those feelings were very clear for me.  That is not to say that I did not love my then fiance.  It was confusing at best.  But, I allowed myself to continue keeping it at bay rather than truly evaluating what I was experiencing and feeling.

On the grand ole wedding day, just moments before the big walk I began feeling this knot inside.  I talked briefly about some of this in the beginning of my blog but certainly not about this particular aspect.  I knew something was not "right" you might say and I felt this strong urge to stop the wedding but I didn't tell 'all' the why's.  There was a big part of me that felt it wasn't fair to all those that had put forth so much time, energy, and dedication to making this day happen.  There was a big part of me that didn't want to disappoint all those that had traveled near and far to share the day with us.  Look at all the costs involved, surely this is what they call wedding jitters....writing all of this down seems so absurd yet I have found that this is a very common feeling from so many that walk down that isle when they know deep down that there is something not right about it and that it should not happen.

But, that wasn't all that was going on for me at that moment.  I wanted more than anything to send someone for him so that I could talk to him right then and there.  But, I didn't.  I wanted to stop when I reached his seat walking down the isle, but I didn't.  When the preacher said, "If there is anyone here that feels these two should not be married....." I so desperately hoped that he would speak up.  And, when that silence led to the continuation of the marriage, my heart literally sank at that moment.  

I literally had to grieve this loss.  I was indeed very much in love with him.  But, I sat in silence.  I didn't even know that was possible until I experienced it....to be in love with one and to love another.  The end result is that things did change for our friendship on down the road.  And, I never told him the truth.  It's the only thing I ever kept from him and eventually he found someone and got married himself.  But, for me it was yet another lesson.

I allowed my fears to hold me back.  And, look at the path I have endured.  Don't get me wrong.  I strongly believe that painful as it has been and still remains in many aspects, this path is what was necessary for me to get to where I am today.  This path gave me 3 of the most precious gifts I could ever receive.  This path has caused growth and healing in more ways than I ever dreamed possible.  But, there's always that question in the back of my mind....

Life does not always present us with second chances.  Oh, how absolutely wonderful that would be, but that is not always the case.  So, for me the lesson here is to simply follow your heart.  So, cliche huh?  But, seriously....I didn't trust myself or maybe I didn't think enough of myself at the time to listen when everything inside was screaming at me.  My life today is different.  And, I can see it playing out in many ways already.  I am grateful for that growth.  And, my hope is that I will hang on to that lesson from this day forward.  I didn't really see that one coming in the course of this divorce and the trials that have transpired as a result but it's valuable none the less.

No Surprise Here

Here we go again:  Wow!  I received a call today from my attorney.  Another motion has been filed to have me pay for his attorney fees associated with the motion we dropped.  What?....Yes!  It also came with the "final tally" of the costs incurred from the previous order in which I am to pay for his fees and the result is:  AN ASTRONOMICAL AMOUNT that I would not be able to pay even if everything I could earn working 40 hours a week within a year went straight to him.  More insanity at it's finest!  I'm pretty sure that what they are asking for can not even be done in accordance to the law if I remember correctly.  That; however, means nothing in light of what has already transpired in our case.

So, what's next?  We respond tomorrow.  There may be even more than a response at this point, but this is the beginning.  Typically, this is not something that would have to be set for a hearing but it just may be given the circumstances.  It really depends at this point.  And, so....we wait.

I'm feeling okay for this moment.  When reading through the motion and sorting through all of the lies that were included within that motion, I was literally trembling not from fear but just an involuntary reaction.  Who knows what will happen!  I think everyone knows my lack of faith in the system but I hang on to my faith in God!

For right now, I am okay and the fear does not exist.  That comes from Him!  That inner peace is priceless and it's His gift.  That being said, I value your prayers.  And, I'm asking that you pour on the prayers at this moment and throughout tomorrow and the remainder of this week.  This can really go a few different ways.  We are praying for the best in hopes that our response opens up the door for questions.  

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 
  
Psalm 5:10-12

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁰ Declare them guilty, O God!
    Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
    for they have rebelled against you.
¹¹ But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
    let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

¹² Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous;
    you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

Power to the People

This past weekend brought about the word empowerment in my life.  It was a busy weekend, filled with lots of joys, lots of excitement, lots of activities, and lots of people.  Empowerment by definition means: 

em·pow·er

verb (used with object)

1.  to give power or authority to; authorize, especially by legal or official means: I empowered my agent to make the deal for me. The local ordinance empowers the board of health to close unsanitary restaurants.

2.  to enable or permit: Wealth empowered him to live a comfortable life.

 

It has been more than extremely difficult to feel empowered by any stretch within this process because by the very nature of my ex's illness, he strips all power away.  It is how he thrives and he will stop at nothing to make sure it happens.  The level of manipulation and control that transpires in dealing with someone that has his illness sucks the very life out of anyone.  And, trying to avoid it is next to impossible when you "must" be a part of their world.  From a professional stand-point, you are told to avoid them at all costs.  In my case, it's simply not possible.

 

But, this past weekend was different.  For an entire weekend, everything that is all consuming in regards to this most bizarre case was put on the back-burner while life existed.  I was able to experience one of the many joys of motherhood in watching my daughter celebrate life.  I was able to see her joy as she created memories that will last.  I was able to visit with other adults as well and just be.....without the heavy weight, the fears, and the burdens of what exists.  What a treasure....the kind of treasure that holds value!

 

Empowerment of any capacity when one is in the midst of despair is amazing.  And, experiencing it when involved with someone like my ex is nothing short of a miracle.  I'll take it whenever I can get it!  And, maybe I'm even creating it at this point as I have taken some steps to get outside of my comfort zone.  The weekend prior to this one was also spent surrounded by friends which was good.  It gives me that opportunity to simply live and that can not be controlled by another person.

 

There has been a pro-active shift in one area of my life as some of the pieces are starting to fall into place.  More details on this to come in the near future but that in itself is another positive.

 

Please continue to pray for the most important factor:  my children and their safety.  But, I would also ask for your prayers that I continue to be open to His guidance on this area of my life and He knows the specifics.

 

Proverbs 1:5
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—