The Grief that was Lifted

I had struggled for a very long time with my marriage.  My reality is that the glorious day I walked down the isle a part of me wanted to run.  I thought it was those marriage jitters to some degree but I think even then, deep down I knew this was not right.  But, I couldn't see the full picture at that time in my life and I was so afraid to admit it and leave the altar lest I disappoint all those that put so much time and effort into helping me with the wedding process.

That mask came off during the honeymoon and I did know at that point I had made a big mistake.  However, at that point I was so focused on the vows and upholding them that I thought it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to make it work.  I spent every waking hour trying and it soon began to consume my life.

I rarely understood what was going on.  I just knew that in the eyes of my ex, I was the one to blame.  It was all my fault all the time.  It was something I said, something I did, something I didn't say, something I didn't do....I could do no right.  And, there were times that I truly began to believe these things.


I grieved so much during the course of the marriage that by the time I became brave enough to stand up and make the change, I had nothing else to grieve....at least not in terms of the relationship.  What I did grieve were some milestones in my life.


I have always wanted a big family!  After having my first precious angel, that did not change.  In fact, the desire became even stronger.  There were moments not long after the divorce that I had to face in terms of not knowing if that desire would ever be fulfilled.  Precious milestones from my youngest angel would bring questions like, "Will this be the last?"  The moment in time in which I normally become pregnant again was huge.  I grieved this unknown because that desire is so, so strong!


So, I did the only thing I knew to do and I remember this moment well!  While taking a shower, as this is the one time I know I will not be interrupted by kiddos, I began talking to God.  I shared with him my desires and told him of the pain I was experiencing and asked for help.  And, in that moment my life changed.


Every one of my babies are "medical babies" and each one has been progressively more medical than the one before.  We almost lost Nathanael and that was one of the most terrifying moments I've ever experienced in my life.  God spoke to me, clear as day and told me that if I had conceived another child with my ex, this child would have died.  And, in that moment a peace came to me.  It was a peace that allowed me to let go of the focus of my desire and instead focus of the 3 precious gifts that were before me.  The pain and the grief were lifted immediately.


I don't know what God's plan is for the remainder of my life and whether or not more children will be a part of that plan.  The desire is still there but it does not cause great pain in my life today.  I have been granted that freedom.


Everything is all about God's great timing.  I had to travel this journey for many reasons.  Part of the reason is no doubt the 3 greatest gifts of life and that's only one reason.  But, the journey to end also had perfect timing because God saved my heart from the grief that would have resulted had I not listened to him at that time.  I have never received a message as clear as this one from God and it is one that I will never, ever forget!