Today is Sunday and it is unlike many in the past. Typically on the Sunday prior to a big week like the one I am about to face, Sunday's are trying on the emotions. Whether that is about the significance of the week about to begin, the nerves at play, the day of rest giving time for such emotions to really show themselves, or some combination....today is different.
Today I feel the arms of God surround me, the love of God fill me, the peace of God taking over me. Today is good and I thank God for this feeling and this freedom in Him. This verse has been musically playing in my mind this morning:
Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government
will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Where would I be without Him? It's a question that I simply can not comprehend. He is all of this and so much more. He is the reason I can hold my head up in the midst of life's trials and continue to put one foot in front of another. He is the reason I can rest on this day with peace in my heart. And, I do so not knowing what this week will hold when huge issues are about to be addressed.
Tomorrow may not be the same, but there is a verse that I find comforting right now which helps me when that faith wavers and those fears try to take hold.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Turn Your Hearing Aide On!
Oh what a busy week it has been....so busy in fact that some of life's most essential necessities have been poorly neglected, like facebook. ;-) Seriously though, it has been a week in which there were many late, late nights spent gathering data and documents galore in preparation for what's to come.
Through it all, while it puts me in a somewhat familiar spot with the whole chasing documents routine it is really very different. The peace within the process has truly been a saving grace. I have had moments of fear and self-doubt, but they are thankfully few and far between.
I still have many questions in my head, but I hold hope in my heart. Will this be God's perfect timing for all things to finally resolve? My hope is YES!!! My prayer is YES!!!
As exhausted as I feel in some respects, I am grateful to have a full weekend ahead of me with no time to stop. That is likely a very good thing as I await the coming week. This next week will be BIG in more ways than one.
One huge, "ultimate" decision will be made by the powers that be and in turn many lives will be effected. At this point, I believe I have prepared in every way possible and all I can do is to sit back and allow God to take over from here. As the time gets closer the prayers will likely increase not only for the outcome but for my nerves!
It is also a big week in terms of one of those puzzle pieces that fell into place. If all continues to go well and everything happens on time, I will soon have a place to call home. Talk about two extremes, eh? Yet, they could both be on the same end of the spectrum....
If there is anything I could pass on to others about my experience, it would have to be this....listen to your instincts. When your gut is screaming at you pay attention even when other emotions are trying to take the lead. The more I experience within this process, the more that central theme factors in....listen, listen, listen.
For some reason, that makes me think about this story: My Oldest...Mr. Way to Smart for his Age, mimics his Pop or picks on him whichever the case may be and will often say, "What, huh?....Hold on, I forgot to put my hearing aide in. I can't hear you." I sometimes feel this way when it comes to those gut feelings, those screaming instincts...but I must say that they are louder and clearer today than they have been in the past. Praise the Lord!
Through it all, while it puts me in a somewhat familiar spot with the whole chasing documents routine it is really very different. The peace within the process has truly been a saving grace. I have had moments of fear and self-doubt, but they are thankfully few and far between.
I still have many questions in my head, but I hold hope in my heart. Will this be God's perfect timing for all things to finally resolve? My hope is YES!!! My prayer is YES!!!
As exhausted as I feel in some respects, I am grateful to have a full weekend ahead of me with no time to stop. That is likely a very good thing as I await the coming week. This next week will be BIG in more ways than one.
One huge, "ultimate" decision will be made by the powers that be and in turn many lives will be effected. At this point, I believe I have prepared in every way possible and all I can do is to sit back and allow God to take over from here. As the time gets closer the prayers will likely increase not only for the outcome but for my nerves!
It is also a big week in terms of one of those puzzle pieces that fell into place. If all continues to go well and everything happens on time, I will soon have a place to call home. Talk about two extremes, eh? Yet, they could both be on the same end of the spectrum....
If there is anything I could pass on to others about my experience, it would have to be this....listen to your instincts. When your gut is screaming at you pay attention even when other emotions are trying to take the lead. The more I experience within this process, the more that central theme factors in....listen, listen, listen.
For some reason, that makes me think about this story: My Oldest...Mr. Way to Smart for his Age, mimics his Pop or picks on him whichever the case may be and will often say, "What, huh?....Hold on, I forgot to put my hearing aide in. I can't hear you." I sometimes feel this way when it comes to those gut feelings, those screaming instincts...but I must say that they are louder and clearer today than they have been in the past. Praise the Lord!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Walking Through the Pain
Today, thus far, has been the most painful day I've experienced in quite some time. Threats have been followed through on and the very sad, unbelievable reality to it all is that there is minimal likelihood that anything will be done about the entire situation. That's my earthly fear and my earthly experience per the past 2.5 years talking.
My hope is that God will now intervene. My hope is that God will place his hands on the powers that be and show them the truth and the dangers at play. My hope is that all matters will quickly resolve at this point. I have to cling to that at this moment and I have to keep reminding myself of this verse over and over:
"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of what you see before you. For the battle is not yours, but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15
It's hard to remove that battle from my own hands more so than not, but God's got this! There is something so much bigger going on than what I can see right now. That somewhat lightens the pain, but it doesn't take it away. Holding fast to that faith during the pain?....That's important!
God has never failed me. This world has, the courts have, attorney's have, people have, that list goes on and on....but not God. He is my one constant! Thank you, Lord! Thank you for carrying me when I simply can not walk. As my heart is weighted down today and I struggle to breathe, I'm looking to You.
I pray for healing. I pray for the truth to be revealed to those that must make the ultimate decisions. And, above all else I pray for Your constant love and protection for my precious, little ones! Prayer works. That has been shown to me more times than I am worthy. The power of prayer is remarkable. So, if you are reading this right now I ask you to just STOP. Stop for a moment and pray as I embark on this painful portion of the journey. God knows all the details! God is in control!
My hope is that God will now intervene. My hope is that God will place his hands on the powers that be and show them the truth and the dangers at play. My hope is that all matters will quickly resolve at this point. I have to cling to that at this moment and I have to keep reminding myself of this verse over and over:
"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of what you see before you. For the battle is not yours, but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15
It's hard to remove that battle from my own hands more so than not, but God's got this! There is something so much bigger going on than what I can see right now. That somewhat lightens the pain, but it doesn't take it away. Holding fast to that faith during the pain?....That's important!
God has never failed me. This world has, the courts have, attorney's have, people have, that list goes on and on....but not God. He is my one constant! Thank you, Lord! Thank you for carrying me when I simply can not walk. As my heart is weighted down today and I struggle to breathe, I'm looking to You.
I pray for healing. I pray for the truth to be revealed to those that must make the ultimate decisions. And, above all else I pray for Your constant love and protection for my precious, little ones! Prayer works. That has been shown to me more times than I am worthy. The power of prayer is remarkable. So, if you are reading this right now I ask you to just STOP. Stop for a moment and pray as I embark on this painful portion of the journey. God knows all the details! God is in control!
"Oh LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness & righteousness come to my relief." Psalm 143:1
Friday, April 20, 2012
Then, there was this ONE DAY....
The next several months became a series of events. I was in a place of searching....searching for common things such as doctors, lawyers (wait, is that common? ;-)), churches, etc. But, I was also searching for other things such as how to get my feet back on solid ground, some place to call home, some means in which to support myself.
There were days in which the next step seemed easy and days that seemed overwhelming. Those overwhelming feelings would emerge as I started seeing this pattern. The pattern in my world was that every....and I do mean EVERY door continued to shut, one right after another.
I remember many nights simply praying, "please show me the way." I truly had NO idea. There have been so many times over the course of my life that I have felt that tug for missions. That also became a struggle at this point. Missions can be so many different things....short term, long term, action based, prayer based, local, out of town, out of country....this list goes on.
This became a part of my struggle as I tried to understand the purpose of all the closed doors. I found a place to call home in terms of a church. I was a bit nervous to go at first given the size, but it didn't take long at all for me to realize this was indeed where I was supposed to be at this time. It was my first open door. And, I got involved in small missions here and there. Yet, the pull remained strong.
While this is going on, other doors continued to shut one right after another. Every time I was right on the brink of possibility, an obstacle would interfere. I think I amazed myself within this process with the ability to just move forward having the mentality that this was God's plan. There was a time in my life that such a reaction would not have been the case. Thank God for growth in Him!
Yet, I remained so confused....so lost with the journey. I just didn't know where to go.
And, then there was this ONE DAY....this one day happened really out of no-where. It was the day many of the pieces fell into place. I kid you not....I sat down at the end of that day and literally looked up into the sky and praised God with thanks over and over and over.
There was a series of events, news updates, etc. that all took place at the same time. I began thinking, this is it....FINALLY! This is where things turn around in our world. There was a lot of good but some of that good came with a heavy load to carry.
Have you ever experienced those answers to prayer when they are not exactly as you had hoped? Sometimes, God's answers are through a series of events that we had not really banked on, hoped for, or dreamed of in any capacity. Sometimes they can be hard to swallow. And, sometimes the initial answer to prayer is followed by more tribulations before the 'end' result comes into play.
This is kind of where I am right now. I have intentionally skipped over some very huge events none the less and left some of this entry in vague terms, but the message is what's important. The initial "good" of one of the events on that glorious day came with intense pain and other emotions that are hard to face. The initial answered prayer appears short lived and now we are in the midst of some hefty tribulations!
The series of events that have just recently unfolded are hard and have left me with decisions that I can tell you beyond a doubt are the most difficult I have EVER had to make. The results of those decisions are out of my control. SCARY! If you do not understand the intensity of that word "SCARY" be sure and see all previous posts!
After some recent threats and knowing more difficult decisions lie ahead, I have found myself attempting to waiver too far into the fear. I thank God for bringing me back. I once heard that when fear overpowers your hope, there is a problem. Faith is the answer! I'm grateful that even in situations that seem impossible, I can come back to this statement. I can hang on to faith because of the hope I find in Jesus Christ. HE CAN DO ANYTHING!!! He has a plan.
I pray most every night for the safety and protection of my children. Right now, those prayers have increased....a lot! I welcome my friends and family to join me in prayer. This is a tough spot, but I pray that my actions within this leg of the journey will glorify God. And, I pray that the 'end' result will soon come into play bringing forth those answered prayers.
There were days in which the next step seemed easy and days that seemed overwhelming. Those overwhelming feelings would emerge as I started seeing this pattern. The pattern in my world was that every....and I do mean EVERY door continued to shut, one right after another.
I remember many nights simply praying, "please show me the way." I truly had NO idea. There have been so many times over the course of my life that I have felt that tug for missions. That also became a struggle at this point. Missions can be so many different things....short term, long term, action based, prayer based, local, out of town, out of country....this list goes on.
This became a part of my struggle as I tried to understand the purpose of all the closed doors. I found a place to call home in terms of a church. I was a bit nervous to go at first given the size, but it didn't take long at all for me to realize this was indeed where I was supposed to be at this time. It was my first open door. And, I got involved in small missions here and there. Yet, the pull remained strong.
While this is going on, other doors continued to shut one right after another. Every time I was right on the brink of possibility, an obstacle would interfere. I think I amazed myself within this process with the ability to just move forward having the mentality that this was God's plan. There was a time in my life that such a reaction would not have been the case. Thank God for growth in Him!
Yet, I remained so confused....so lost with the journey. I just didn't know where to go.
And, then there was this ONE DAY....this one day happened really out of no-where. It was the day many of the pieces fell into place. I kid you not....I sat down at the end of that day and literally looked up into the sky and praised God with thanks over and over and over.
There was a series of events, news updates, etc. that all took place at the same time. I began thinking, this is it....FINALLY! This is where things turn around in our world. There was a lot of good but some of that good came with a heavy load to carry.
Have you ever experienced those answers to prayer when they are not exactly as you had hoped? Sometimes, God's answers are through a series of events that we had not really banked on, hoped for, or dreamed of in any capacity. Sometimes they can be hard to swallow. And, sometimes the initial answer to prayer is followed by more tribulations before the 'end' result comes into play.
This is kind of where I am right now. I have intentionally skipped over some very huge events none the less and left some of this entry in vague terms, but the message is what's important. The initial "good" of one of the events on that glorious day came with intense pain and other emotions that are hard to face. The initial answered prayer appears short lived and now we are in the midst of some hefty tribulations!
The series of events that have just recently unfolded are hard and have left me with decisions that I can tell you beyond a doubt are the most difficult I have EVER had to make. The results of those decisions are out of my control. SCARY! If you do not understand the intensity of that word "SCARY" be sure and see all previous posts!
After some recent threats and knowing more difficult decisions lie ahead, I have found myself attempting to waiver too far into the fear. I thank God for bringing me back. I once heard that when fear overpowers your hope, there is a problem. Faith is the answer! I'm grateful that even in situations that seem impossible, I can come back to this statement. I can hang on to faith because of the hope I find in Jesus Christ. HE CAN DO ANYTHING!!! He has a plan.
I pray most every night for the safety and protection of my children. Right now, those prayers have increased....a lot! I welcome my friends and family to join me in prayer. This is a tough spot, but I pray that my actions within this leg of the journey will glorify God. And, I pray that the 'end' result will soon come into play bringing forth those answered prayers.
Monday, April 16, 2012
It's Good to Be Home....Home Sweet Home!
As we arrived in our new state, the first couple of weeks were more like a vacation. Those were followed by the standard 'get everything changed checklist' from addresses, to driver's license, etc. This turned into the first couple of months being a huge period of transition from the minor items to the bigger decisions like new doctor's for example.
But, I must say that I experienced an unexpected in this process. The plan here for us was to live with my folks until we were able to get into our own place. Let me just say that if you have never had the 'experience' of returning home after having been independent for more years than I will state here....to term it 'experience' is the nicest way to put it.
Don't get me wrong, for I am grateful to have the support and to be taken in when it was needed. What I did not bank on was the glimpse into the mirror. I was faced with seeing myself through another person. I was faced with seeing my flaws, my weaknesses, my defects. And, it was not pretty in the least. NO! It was more than that....it was painful! My tears were overflowing and my life was ever changing.
It was during this time that I remember thanking God for the 'experience'. I knew that this was indeed part of the journey. I had to travel this path in order to be exposed to the areas within myself that needed to change. You know we never change when there is not any discomfort, right? The time was now and the changes began taking action. Wow, what an amazing freedom to see such things and have that ability to say, "no more."
In other areas, a new lifestyle was beginning. It was my "nightmare" but at this point I will have to say this: parts of my blog will have to remain vague unfortunately. It's not something that I like; however, due to the sensitivity of the situation and the reality that (it is not over), I have to be real careful in what I do share at this point. Some day at some point, I will be able to back track and fill in the gaps. Until then, this will be more about the emotions rather than the specifics in some areas.
In the process of settling into a new life, the old familiar still continued as my ex was in contempt yet again. Let me stop right here and just state that part of his 'offer' was that he would follow us here at the exact same time. He worked out a deal where he could work remotely from his new state and not have to leave his job. And, I was not taking any chances. I began interviewing attorneys almost immediately. What I discovered is that with each attorney I met with, my story results in the ultimate jaw drop with statements that follow like "Are you kidding me?" "How could this happen?" "The courts really allowed this?" "WHAT?!?"
Of course these things did not change the outcome, but it certainly helped me to regain some of my own sanity in knowing that this was by far one of the craziest cases....period. The outcome is jaw dropping. Yet, there is reason....there is purpose in it that I must trust. Some of those things have already been revealed to me for I question how likely it would have been for me to take a look so deep within myself and begin changing aspects that needed to be addressed if I had not walked such a path as this one.
I will never be who I was in some respects. As I continued taking the next right step after step, somewhere in the midst of it all I had had enough! It was time to take my life back. My journey to health began as I jumped on the band wagon to weight loss. The motivation was high and it felt awesome! So, many things were changing and almost all of it was good!
The past 2 years had been a dark valley, the light of day no where in sight. And, although the peace lived deep within me, I just could not see the slightest glimpse of that light no matter what I did. At this point, I still could not say that the light was visible, but the hill was not nearly as steep. The journey started to become easier and I knew that whatever path I was on, it was the right one.....or was it?
More to come.
But, I must say that I experienced an unexpected in this process. The plan here for us was to live with my folks until we were able to get into our own place. Let me just say that if you have never had the 'experience' of returning home after having been independent for more years than I will state here....to term it 'experience' is the nicest way to put it.
Don't get me wrong, for I am grateful to have the support and to be taken in when it was needed. What I did not bank on was the glimpse into the mirror. I was faced with seeing myself through another person. I was faced with seeing my flaws, my weaknesses, my defects. And, it was not pretty in the least. NO! It was more than that....it was painful! My tears were overflowing and my life was ever changing.
It was during this time that I remember thanking God for the 'experience'. I knew that this was indeed part of the journey. I had to travel this path in order to be exposed to the areas within myself that needed to change. You know we never change when there is not any discomfort, right? The time was now and the changes began taking action. Wow, what an amazing freedom to see such things and have that ability to say, "no more."
In other areas, a new lifestyle was beginning. It was my "nightmare" but at this point I will have to say this: parts of my blog will have to remain vague unfortunately. It's not something that I like; however, due to the sensitivity of the situation and the reality that (it is not over), I have to be real careful in what I do share at this point. Some day at some point, I will be able to back track and fill in the gaps. Until then, this will be more about the emotions rather than the specifics in some areas.
In the process of settling into a new life, the old familiar still continued as my ex was in contempt yet again. Let me stop right here and just state that part of his 'offer' was that he would follow us here at the exact same time. He worked out a deal where he could work remotely from his new state and not have to leave his job. And, I was not taking any chances. I began interviewing attorneys almost immediately. What I discovered is that with each attorney I met with, my story results in the ultimate jaw drop with statements that follow like "Are you kidding me?" "How could this happen?" "The courts really allowed this?" "WHAT?!?"
Of course these things did not change the outcome, but it certainly helped me to regain some of my own sanity in knowing that this was by far one of the craziest cases....period. The outcome is jaw dropping. Yet, there is reason....there is purpose in it that I must trust. Some of those things have already been revealed to me for I question how likely it would have been for me to take a look so deep within myself and begin changing aspects that needed to be addressed if I had not walked such a path as this one.
I will never be who I was in some respects. As I continued taking the next right step after step, somewhere in the midst of it all I had had enough! It was time to take my life back. My journey to health began as I jumped on the band wagon to weight loss. The motivation was high and it felt awesome! So, many things were changing and almost all of it was good!
The past 2 years had been a dark valley, the light of day no where in sight. And, although the peace lived deep within me, I just could not see the slightest glimpse of that light no matter what I did. At this point, I still could not say that the light was visible, but the hill was not nearly as steep. The journey started to become easier and I knew that whatever path I was on, it was the right one.....or was it?
More to come.
Wrapping It Up
So, here's hoping to wrap up the last leg of the first part of this journey! Many things transpired over short periods of time on this last leg. Many motions were made by the ex. Some were withdrawn but others were made in their place. Threats were made. Threats were followed up on. In the court room, orders were overlooked, decisions were made in chambers without trials, those with testimony were never brought forward, and my nightmare became reality.
And, to top it all off....in the midst of becoming homeless as a direct result of the threats that were followed up on by the other party, the liberal state in all it's glory says, "I refuse to hear a case on re-location unless a custody eval specifically suggests it." What were we to do? Here we have family members that may not live another second....yes, it was that serious and no way to even visit let alone move closer to be with them and have the support that was greatly needed.
You wanna talk about the loneliest moments? In one sense, yes....these were those moments. Yet, in another sense that peace, that amazing peace still surrounded me and filled me with the ability to press forward, the ability to know on some level that everything would be okay, and that is most certainly God's awesome love.
When I began pushing my ex for the custody eval, a sudden offer came across the table. It was one that in essence says, give up the rest of what I want and I'll let you move. In the twisted, liberal dynamics of the courts....I was told that if I refused such an offer even though I was giving everything else up....it would not fair well in my courts once that homelessness become official. I had no choice.
And, that is exactly what I did. I signed those papers 'against my will' if you will....and said my goodbyes to the ones that were still in my support corner and I tell ya....I could not get out of there quick enough!
This trip, this journey with 3 kids, 2 cats, and 2 parental figures along with myself driving for 5 days across the country was far more than a move for me. It was the beginning of the end and simply a new beginning! And, throughout it all God was there. If you have never had the pleasure of driving through multiple states and just gazing at God's beauty, I would strongly encourage it. It was most certainly everywhere.
And, during those hours even in the midst of being harassed by the other party, the weight began to lift. The weight of the constant court battles, the constant chasing of documentations, the constant "I don't know's", it was all gone during these days of travel. I looked forward to the days to come. I looked forward to what God had in store. I looked forward to somehow serving Him more through my experience.
And, to top it all off....in the midst of becoming homeless as a direct result of the threats that were followed up on by the other party, the liberal state in all it's glory says, "I refuse to hear a case on re-location unless a custody eval specifically suggests it." What were we to do? Here we have family members that may not live another second....yes, it was that serious and no way to even visit let alone move closer to be with them and have the support that was greatly needed.
You wanna talk about the loneliest moments? In one sense, yes....these were those moments. Yet, in another sense that peace, that amazing peace still surrounded me and filled me with the ability to press forward, the ability to know on some level that everything would be okay, and that is most certainly God's awesome love.
When I began pushing my ex for the custody eval, a sudden offer came across the table. It was one that in essence says, give up the rest of what I want and I'll let you move. In the twisted, liberal dynamics of the courts....I was told that if I refused such an offer even though I was giving everything else up....it would not fair well in my courts once that homelessness become official. I had no choice.
And, that is exactly what I did. I signed those papers 'against my will' if you will....and said my goodbyes to the ones that were still in my support corner and I tell ya....I could not get out of there quick enough!
This trip, this journey with 3 kids, 2 cats, and 2 parental figures along with myself driving for 5 days across the country was far more than a move for me. It was the beginning of the end and simply a new beginning! And, throughout it all God was there. If you have never had the pleasure of driving through multiple states and just gazing at God's beauty, I would strongly encourage it. It was most certainly everywhere.
And, during those hours even in the midst of being harassed by the other party, the weight began to lift. The weight of the constant court battles, the constant chasing of documentations, the constant "I don't know's", it was all gone during these days of travel. I looked forward to the days to come. I looked forward to what God had in store. I looked forward to somehow serving Him more through my experience.
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