Today was spent with some reflections and a lot of gratitude. I was thinking back on the past 2.5 years and even some prior to that and the myriad of events that have transpired and I simply stopped to thank God! A lot of people still think that is crazy. What?!? You thank God for living through absolute and total hell?!? You thank God that nearly everything in your world was taken away?!? You thank God that your life was turned upside down and that your friends & family turned against you and tried to cast you out of your own church?!? YES! Yes, I do!
Why?....It was all a part of the journey. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want to re-live it by any stretch but it was, oh how shall I say this....necessary! When everything is taken away what's left aside from you? YOU! The mess was cleared so the focus could become clear. I tried to trust the process along the way but all I could see were the multitude of closed doors. That didn't; however, stop me from growing. With each closed door, a new lesson emerged although it didn't say much for moving forward.
The moving forward was something at times I thought may never happen. It wasn't that I didn't want to move forward but the obstacles in my path in large were out of my control. Being side-tracked is an understatement. But, in God's perfect timing things shifted. The first big change for me was that moment I laid eyes on the picture above...the absolutely mortifying photo on the left. I nearly fell apart seeing it pop up on FB. It was the photo that symbolized how out of control my world had become and it was the moment I said, "No more!" I had already been in that process of psyching myself up to make a change but this photo pushed me with great force.
Oddly, all other things followed suit. When I made that decision to take my life back other things started to fall into place. Remember that ONE magical day?....See previous posts if ya missed it. This is how my world began changing. I chose the one area that I could control and took action. The domino effect began to unravel.
There are still many things in the air right now. Some are minor and some are HUGE and there are many in between. But, I can see doors today. They are within view. I am walking towards some right now wondering how in the world it can even remotely be possible yet trusting the process and excited to see where it may lead.
I thank God for the journey for many reasons, but on some levels I thank Him simply because His purpose is so much higher than I'll ever understand. Life is good! And, just as the after shot above is not the finale, neither is this journey. I am still pressing forward and there are still some obstacles to face before that anticipated day when I can finally say....resolve is here but I face what lies ahead with the new wisdom and experience that resulted from those paths.
Jeremiah 3:15
Then I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with knowledge and understanding.
This was a BIG day! And, the start of today was most unpleasant. I felt it before I ever opened my eyes....that irritating throb in my head before I can even begin to stir indicating migraine, migraine. And, today's was not just any migraine....it was one of those that literally makes ya sick. Ick! I was miserable....until that glorious moment.... And, really this a very rare thing in my world. Of all days, huh? Maybe it was just really poor timing (as if good timing for such a thing really exists) or maybe it was nerves, but none the less a nightmare. Thankfully, it started to lessen closer to crunch time.
Today's events brought about a lot of new 'firsts' if you will. First time facing the "system" in AR. First time before the new power that be's. :) (My apologies to my fantabulous English teachers. I really know better!)
Surprisingly, I did indeed remain calm throughout the entire experience. I attribute the majority of this to God....period. It most certainly would take a miracle. The end result is that I remain free and we'll just leave it at that for now. This was of course a good thing. But, ya know....things never play out as you might expect. The other aspect of today is that some more pertinent things are left unresolved for now with those decisions left to be addressed in the near future.
You would think that I'd walk away feeling good given today's outcome and initially I did experience this feeling; but it was short-lived and followed by a sinking feeling that has been hard to shake. Is that based on past experience, or is that partly instincts of what's to come as a form of retaliation? Could be either or neither. But, I'd be lying if I said they didn't exist.
My decision in facing those uneasy feelings though is to turn back to God over and over again, to remain in prayer for what still lies ahead, for the powers that be to have the ability to see the truth and to make those decisions accordingly, and for the resolve to become a part of our lives.
I end today thanking God for granting my the ability to maintain peace within a process that is void of such a term.
