This year is fast approaching it's final hours and I am in no way sad about that in any capacity. This has been a difficult year and this holiday season has been extreme, maybe the hardest I've ever experienced on some levels. And, right now that remains heavy on my heart.
It was certainly a different Christmas this year not having those precious little ones around. And, if that wasn't enough for one day a nice, unexpected trip to the ER came to be just to make life interesting. By the time I was released, the ground was completely covered with tons of snow and I had no other option but to attempt driving it after having experienced the morphine haze just an hour or so before. The ten minute drive home took 2 hours but I made it, after several re-routes. And, luckily I returned to a home with power in a time when most were without.
This is the time that I typically write out all those new resolutions....one's that I typically fulfill with success. But, not this year. This year is by far very different. Making resolutions is the last thing on my mind or in my heart. Survival is more fitting right now. Certain questions have come to mind for me recently within this season of trials.
I feel weak during this time and each day is an accomplishment in and of itself. It's a place I do not like in the least but in this process I have discovered (or maybe re-discovered) an area of life that is a struggle....leaning on others. I am so used to pushing forward, standing strong, however you want to view it that I simply do not stop for me. The downfall to this method is that eventually, life will hit in such a way that a minor event can make a huge impact. Such is the case for me this season. (Or maybe I'm just down-playing the event....none the less....)
But, how do you stop and lean? How do you allow others to help carry you when your strength is gone? How do you let others build you back up? It's not always easy and for some, it's downright difficult. Yes, I try to lean on God. But, God also made us relational people and we are supposed to trust in one another and help others when needed. It's difficult to be vulnerable. The writing of this entry is quite vulnerable and one that may not be easy to push the final "publish" button at the very end but it's still 'safer' than that face to face relational method. This is my struggle.
And, maybe this will end up being one of my resolutions....striving to lean more on those that are a part of my life. But, for now I know that I'm still in a time of struggle....a time when it feels that all strength is gone....a time when making it through the day or even the next hour is huge and I do not like this place nor do most people enjoy seeing others in this place. I guess that is a part of the struggle right there....feeling as though others should not have to be burdened by my own struggles.
I know I am blessed by many great folks in my life. It's up to me to allow them to be a part of "all" my life and not just the good. Easy said.... This blog was in part a way of allowing others to be a part of my faith journey but it also keeps me from having to voice it which is an important part of the journey too. This is my extremely vulnerable, last post of the year. My hopes are that I will grow in this area in the upcoming year and allow others to be more of a part of "every" aspect of my life. My hopes are that I will allow others to help carry me when it is needed, to lean when necessary, and to know that it is okay.
Until then, I know today is an exceptionally hard day. I pray that is not the case for you. May you be blessed with a wonderful and Happy New Year! Stay Safe!
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Grief Magnifies
I write today with a heart filled with grief. Things have changed yet again. There are now two pending motions before the courts. This is not necessarily a negative thing as it means we at least have opportunity to bring up the outrageous motion before the courts and as a second plus, to do so in front of a new Judge. The down side of this is that it did not sit well with the other party and retaliation upon the innocent was the result. That breaks my heart! It is not right. It is not just. It is not fair. And, I have no way of preventing it as a result of everything that has transpired.
That being said, the new preparations for the new motions begin....here we are again. And, to say that there are fears involved in the outcome of this one would be a huge understatement as this outcome could completely change our entire world in the blink of an eye. The fears of how we will take the next steps are ever present and we aren't even there at this point. The outcome is unknown but those fears exist. And, while I have tried to prepare for this moment over the course of the past year, I have been met with one closed door after another each and every time.
My heart is heavily burdened right now and this in only one area. But, my experience is that because of the burdens I am currently experiencing, the grief of this seems so much greater. Loss is a hard concept, no matter what the loss may be and when you couple it with this time of year and other stressors it's just hard. I have witnessed so many people lately that are also struggling with grief of some kind and it seems that many are struggling during this season. My heart goes out to them as well. Not only that, but we as a nation experienced a recent swarm of grief by the actions that took place to such precious, innocent lives.
I'm not sure that I really have any words of wisdom at this point. I'm not in the place to even attempt. But, I do know that I have turned to God on all of the matters. This is all that I know to do sometimes. I know that I feel weak to my very core and it's uncomfortable at best. I know that God's in control but that does not remove the pain. I know I have to walk through it but stumbling and crawling are methods that seem to make it all the worse. I know this is not forever, but right now it's intense. I imagine that for me personally, it was long overdue. I know that I try so hard to remain so strong that I sometimes forget I'm human. And, at some point, those emotions simply take over and I have to go through the process.
This has proven to be a very difficult holiday season. And, we're not quite through it yet. But, this is all a part of the being genuine aspect of this blog. If I simply skip over this portion and wait until the next event, then I am not being real. There are portions of our faith journey's that are far more difficult than we'd like to admit. And, here I am! And, I will continue to pray, to seek His guidance, and to breathe as sometimes in these moments that is all that I can do.
May your holiday be filled with joy and most importantly Christ! Blessings to all!
Psalm 31:9
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.
Psalm 88:9
My eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.
Psalm 35:14
I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother.
That being said, the new preparations for the new motions begin....here we are again. And, to say that there are fears involved in the outcome of this one would be a huge understatement as this outcome could completely change our entire world in the blink of an eye. The fears of how we will take the next steps are ever present and we aren't even there at this point. The outcome is unknown but those fears exist. And, while I have tried to prepare for this moment over the course of the past year, I have been met with one closed door after another each and every time.
My heart is heavily burdened right now and this in only one area. But, my experience is that because of the burdens I am currently experiencing, the grief of this seems so much greater. Loss is a hard concept, no matter what the loss may be and when you couple it with this time of year and other stressors it's just hard. I have witnessed so many people lately that are also struggling with grief of some kind and it seems that many are struggling during this season. My heart goes out to them as well. Not only that, but we as a nation experienced a recent swarm of grief by the actions that took place to such precious, innocent lives.
I'm not sure that I really have any words of wisdom at this point. I'm not in the place to even attempt. But, I do know that I have turned to God on all of the matters. This is all that I know to do sometimes. I know that I feel weak to my very core and it's uncomfortable at best. I know that God's in control but that does not remove the pain. I know I have to walk through it but stumbling and crawling are methods that seem to make it all the worse. I know this is not forever, but right now it's intense. I imagine that for me personally, it was long overdue. I know that I try so hard to remain so strong that I sometimes forget I'm human. And, at some point, those emotions simply take over and I have to go through the process.
This has proven to be a very difficult holiday season. And, we're not quite through it yet. But, this is all a part of the being genuine aspect of this blog. If I simply skip over this portion and wait until the next event, then I am not being real. There are portions of our faith journey's that are far more difficult than we'd like to admit. And, here I am! And, I will continue to pray, to seek His guidance, and to breathe as sometimes in these moments that is all that I can do.
May your holiday be filled with joy and most importantly Christ! Blessings to all!
Psalm 31:9
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.
Psalm 88:9
My eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.
Psalm 35:14
I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Miracles
It's been an entire month since my last post....wow! Time flies, especially this time of year. And, many things have happened in the past month. So, here's a little update on the court stuff: The huge, astronomical, overwhelming amount that the ex is proposing I pay?....The amount that should have to go before the courts with a trial to get a ruling?....Well, that's not going to happen! In light of yet another move made by the opposing, some wording and such of the legal matters were thrown around and it is now up to 'Sir Judge Hates Me Much' to simply make her own ruling by filling in the blank on the $$$ slot and signing it to make it official. No pressure there, eh? I continue to sit back waiting and praying that the Lord will shine down in this process. This Judge will no longer be here at the end of this year. Maybe just maybe, this can and will wait for a new Judge if that is the best thing. The news of something of this nature is not something I'm sure I really want this time of year.
And, in light of this bit of information, it is most definite at this point that the new motion made by opposing will not be heard until next year with a new Judge. Thank you to all my mighty prayer warriors on this aspect alone. I trust that this was the best route! And, I continue to trust that good things will come in the days ahead.
Today is the first day of Advent and I had the privilege to hear about miracles and the need for them today. I thought it only fitting to share some of the miracles that have been occurring in my life here recently and the ones I continue to pray about each day.
Last month we had our first major "home repair" of sorts to deal with as the main sewer line became blocked. That there is messy business! Bleck! The back-up that occurred within our home was not the worst issue per say as the home owner's only covers the actual 'unblocking of the pipe' so long as the pipe is above ground level, which ours was not and in addition to this, we had a broken pipe. Where you might ask? It was beneath the porch....of concrete. Oh yes! In addition to this we needed brakes, almost immediately. These were two major events that could not be ignored for obvious reasons and when you couple it with everyday life even without the court related stuff....well, we've all been there right?
But, miracles do happen. The funds for the brakes were provided per an interest free loan, one that is manageable. The funds for the sewer mess became available from God. Literally....a man of God (one that hardly knows me) with a heart of service sent the funds....period. Unbelievable! I read about these things and here I am living it today. I say from God because to see how it all played out and the timing....it was just God! A week or so after this event transpired, I received what I thought was my first Christmas card in the mail. It wasn't just any card though....it was a gift. An organization that is geared towards Homeschooler's sent us a gift of Christmas money for the kids this year. This is their service. And, it was totally unexpected and brought many emotionally unexplainable tears to my eyes. How did they pick us? Who am I to receive such blessings? I'm just another person trying to do the next right thing. To say I've had gratitude would be an understatement.
There are other miracles that have been traspiring as well. Dating, is one of them. Yep, there was a time that I got extremely comfortable without it and thought maybe never again is not so bad. LOL! But, I did eventually get back out there. And, the first couple of dates were first and last! Wow! There are some interesting people out there for sure. A wise man said, "You're picker is more refined now. It can weed out the bull." Maybe this is true! But, what's that saying....three's a charm? Maybe there is some truth to that one. The third date was a good one. And, there have been many additional dates with Numero Tres. It's a lot different these days to date. Maybe due to some of that gained "wisdom", maybe the changing of the times, maybe because I'm a parent now, or likely all of the above. But, in short....it's been fun. This I do call a miracle! :)
But, this morning as I was listening to the miracles needed for others and thinking about the miracles I continue to prayer for each day this is what came to mind for me: I have three of the most precious miracles I could ever hope for in life. And, as a parent I watched each of my miracles face some medical issues, each kiddo a little more challenging in that venue than the next and ultimately leading to my baby being on the brink of life, fighting to sustain during the initial 24 -48 hour window while my heart was completely torn in that NICU for two weeks. There's not a moment that goes by that I can not vividly recall sitting on the fence that Saturday with that question, "Do we go in to the clinic today or wait until Monday?" with the words of our Pediatrician ringing in my ears, "If you had waited even one day....the outcome would have been VERY different!" My three miracles have all overcome many medical challenges. What could have been VERY different, is a bright and funny, full of life little boy now. These are my miracles and they are the ones that I must protect. These are the miracles that the system won't "allow" me to protect.
So, as I was sitting there this morning listening, I was reflecting on the overall theme that has been transparent over the course of this journey....our need for miracles. It's a different kind of miracle because it's not about a medical issue. But, it is about the life, safety, and well being of miracles. I have prayed just as many of my faithful prayer warriors have prayed over and over for this miracle to take place. I want my kiddos to be safe....period! I have prayed specific prayers, I've prayed whatever is in the best interest prayers, and I've prayed general prayers. But, overall....it is a miracle that we are seeking. In the depths of what seems the impossible, we need a miracle. And, so my prayers continue. I have not lost hope, though at times I struggle. I know that God is still in control even when I do not understand.
May you be blessed with any miracles that you may need during this time as well! I love this time of year! And, I love all of my faithful friends and family that have helped me to stand strong through it all!
Psalm 77:11
I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
Psalm 77:14
You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
Psalm 105:5
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced.
And, in light of this bit of information, it is most definite at this point that the new motion made by opposing will not be heard until next year with a new Judge. Thank you to all my mighty prayer warriors on this aspect alone. I trust that this was the best route! And, I continue to trust that good things will come in the days ahead.
Today is the first day of Advent and I had the privilege to hear about miracles and the need for them today. I thought it only fitting to share some of the miracles that have been occurring in my life here recently and the ones I continue to pray about each day.
Last month we had our first major "home repair" of sorts to deal with as the main sewer line became blocked. That there is messy business! Bleck! The back-up that occurred within our home was not the worst issue per say as the home owner's only covers the actual 'unblocking of the pipe' so long as the pipe is above ground level, which ours was not and in addition to this, we had a broken pipe. Where you might ask? It was beneath the porch....of concrete. Oh yes! In addition to this we needed brakes, almost immediately. These were two major events that could not be ignored for obvious reasons and when you couple it with everyday life even without the court related stuff....well, we've all been there right?
But, miracles do happen. The funds for the brakes were provided per an interest free loan, one that is manageable. The funds for the sewer mess became available from God. Literally....a man of God (one that hardly knows me) with a heart of service sent the funds....period. Unbelievable! I read about these things and here I am living it today. I say from God because to see how it all played out and the timing....it was just God! A week or so after this event transpired, I received what I thought was my first Christmas card in the mail. It wasn't just any card though....it was a gift. An organization that is geared towards Homeschooler's sent us a gift of Christmas money for the kids this year. This is their service. And, it was totally unexpected and brought many emotionally unexplainable tears to my eyes. How did they pick us? Who am I to receive such blessings? I'm just another person trying to do the next right thing. To say I've had gratitude would be an understatement.
There are other miracles that have been traspiring as well. Dating, is one of them. Yep, there was a time that I got extremely comfortable without it and thought maybe never again is not so bad. LOL! But, I did eventually get back out there. And, the first couple of dates were first and last! Wow! There are some interesting people out there for sure. A wise man said, "You're picker is more refined now. It can weed out the bull." Maybe this is true! But, what's that saying....three's a charm? Maybe there is some truth to that one. The third date was a good one. And, there have been many additional dates with Numero Tres. It's a lot different these days to date. Maybe due to some of that gained "wisdom", maybe the changing of the times, maybe because I'm a parent now, or likely all of the above. But, in short....it's been fun. This I do call a miracle! :)
But, this morning as I was listening to the miracles needed for others and thinking about the miracles I continue to prayer for each day this is what came to mind for me: I have three of the most precious miracles I could ever hope for in life. And, as a parent I watched each of my miracles face some medical issues, each kiddo a little more challenging in that venue than the next and ultimately leading to my baby being on the brink of life, fighting to sustain during the initial 24 -48 hour window while my heart was completely torn in that NICU for two weeks. There's not a moment that goes by that I can not vividly recall sitting on the fence that Saturday with that question, "Do we go in to the clinic today or wait until Monday?" with the words of our Pediatrician ringing in my ears, "If you had waited even one day....the outcome would have been VERY different!" My three miracles have all overcome many medical challenges. What could have been VERY different, is a bright and funny, full of life little boy now. These are my miracles and they are the ones that I must protect. These are the miracles that the system won't "allow" me to protect.
So, as I was sitting there this morning listening, I was reflecting on the overall theme that has been transparent over the course of this journey....our need for miracles. It's a different kind of miracle because it's not about a medical issue. But, it is about the life, safety, and well being of miracles. I have prayed just as many of my faithful prayer warriors have prayed over and over for this miracle to take place. I want my kiddos to be safe....period! I have prayed specific prayers, I've prayed whatever is in the best interest prayers, and I've prayed general prayers. But, overall....it is a miracle that we are seeking. In the depths of what seems the impossible, we need a miracle. And, so my prayers continue. I have not lost hope, though at times I struggle. I know that God is still in control even when I do not understand.
May you be blessed with any miracles that you may need during this time as well! I love this time of year! And, I love all of my faithful friends and family that have helped me to stand strong through it all!
Psalm 77:11
I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
Psalm 77:14
You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
Psalm 105:5
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced.
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