This year is fast approaching it's final hours and I am in no way sad about that in any capacity. This has been a difficult year and this holiday season has been extreme, maybe the hardest I've ever experienced on some levels. And, right now that remains heavy on my heart.
It was certainly a different Christmas this year not having those precious little ones around. And, if that wasn't enough for one day a nice, unexpected trip to the ER came to be just to make life interesting. By the time I was released, the ground was completely covered with tons of snow and I had no other option but to attempt driving it after having experienced the morphine haze just an hour or so before. The ten minute drive home took 2 hours but I made it, after several re-routes. And, luckily I returned to a home with power in a time when most were without.
This is the time that I typically write out all those new resolutions....one's that I typically fulfill with success. But, not this year. This year is by far very different. Making resolutions is the last thing on my mind or in my heart. Survival is more fitting right now. Certain questions have come to mind for me recently within this season of trials.
I feel weak during this time and each day is an accomplishment in and of itself. It's a place I do not like in the least but in this process I have discovered (or maybe re-discovered) an area of life that is a struggle....leaning on others. I am so used to pushing forward, standing strong, however you want to view it that I simply do not stop for me. The downfall to this method is that eventually, life will hit in such a way that a minor event can make a huge impact. Such is the case for me this season. (Or maybe I'm just down-playing the event....none the less....)
But, how do you stop and lean? How do you allow others to help carry you when your strength is gone? How do you let others build you back up? It's not always easy and for some, it's downright difficult. Yes, I try to lean on God. But, God also made us relational people and we are supposed to trust in one another and help others when needed. It's difficult to be vulnerable. The writing of this entry is quite vulnerable and one that may not be easy to push the final "publish" button at the very end but it's still 'safer' than that face to face relational method. This is my struggle.
And, maybe this will end up being one of my resolutions....striving to lean more on those that are a part of my life. But, for now I know that I'm still in a time of struggle....a time when it feels that all strength is gone....a time when making it through the day or even the next hour is huge and I do not like this place nor do most people enjoy seeing others in this place. I guess that is a part of the struggle right there....feeling as though others should not have to be burdened by my own struggles.
I know I am blessed by many great folks in my life. It's up to me to allow them to be a part of "all" my life and not just the good. Easy said.... This blog was in part a way of allowing others to be a part of my faith journey but it also keeps me from having to voice it which is an important part of the journey too. This is my extremely vulnerable, last post of the year. My hopes are that I will grow in this area in the upcoming year and allow others to be more of a part of "every" aspect of my life. My hopes are that I will allow others to help carry me when it is needed, to lean when necessary, and to know that it is okay.
Until then, I know today is an exceptionally hard day. I pray that is not the case for you. May you be blessed with a wonderful and Happy New Year! Stay Safe!
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
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