Here we are at the end of yet another year and I have to say, this year has been full in many ways. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot. I've hurt a lot. And, I've received gifts that were beyond my wildest dreams. And, as I prepare for what I am determined will be the greatest year yet, here are a few reflections I thought I'd share with you.
Back in that miserable existence I called marriage, I lived in what some would call the life of luxury. The ex made substantial funds but my lifestyle never reflected it. One reason is because I simply struggle to do anything for me. I'm aware of this but that didn't change the reality. I simply would not buy things for myself. I would provide for my kiddos without hesitation but even that was done in moderation.
After the divorce, I witnessed the most intense greed one could fathom. It has never been about the inability to provide for kiddos, but the absolute refusal. It has amazed me beyond measure to see the lengths that have been achieved to ensure these kiddos continue to receive less and less. And, because of the most bizarre circumstances of this outrageous case many of you know that working a traditional job is not within reach right now.
So, where does that leave us?....Living within our means and living with faith! It has not been an easy journey. In fact, it's a constant struggle to try and achieve necessities each month. But, God always provides. And, then he WOWS me with miracles just to remind me that He's here with me all the time! For example, this year my kiddos were adopted so to say for Christmas and Santa did very well! Not only that, he somehow "knew" exactly what to bring. Don't tell me miracles do not exist! They DO!!!
I have to say though that when things began being taken away one by one, jaw drop after jaw drop, I began to gain more and more. I have learned more and more about faith and how to truly live in it! I have learned more about pride and humility and those are such tough ones! I've painfully learned that others are going to continue to cross my path that will not understand and will cast judgment and somehow I will be okay. But, most importantly I have learned that life is simply not about all those "things". Relationships with others....now there's something that is important. And, having lost so much in a monetary sense, I have gained everything by being exposed to those relationships that are true and valuable. And, I am RICH!
I am blessed by those that love me and my kiddos. I am blessed by a church family that encourages and supports me. I am blessed by a fairy tale love story that came into my life at the most amazing and perfect time! And, I am looking forward to a New Year! While things continue to be in a period of "wait" in terms of this case, I continue to move forward excited about what lies ahead. I am determined that this will be the best year yet!
Thank you to all those that continue to love and support me on this journey. May you each be blessed in this new year.
God is Good....All the Time. All the Time....God is Good!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Second Chances....The Fairy Tale Type Love Story!
Some Dreams Do Come True....First and foremost, if you haven't already read the blog post "Follow Your Heart" from October 14, 2012....STOP right here and do that first.
SERIOUSLY....You'll want to read that before proceeding. :)
Alright, if you've read that post....proceed with caution as you might not want to drink anything while perusing this entry, especially if you're the spit your drink out all over the computer when something is funny type. This is a story that brings about a bit of, well....humor for some at certain points.
The blog entry "Follow Your Heart" is one that continuously comes up for me time and time again. It has done so more times than I can count over the years. When it comes up, there is this feeling inside that tells me to just go and talk to him. But, the timing has never been right. Obviously, the appropriateness of such a conversation would not have been okay during times that either one of us were married. That was a given so why then did it keep coming up over and over and over again? Well, obviously I've been divorced for some time now and I had no idea where he was in his life anymore. But, this voice continued to pursue....and it got louder and louder.
This past Sunday, that voice started screaming at me again. I knew I had to do something. On Monday, I discovered that he was no longer married. And, on Tuesday something came over me that I can not fully explain. I'm not a spontaneous type person at all. In fact, I have to plan out my spontaneity if that gives you any idea. But, Tuesday was very different. That voice would not cease. And, I had this huge debate going on in my head....the whole go vs. stay debate. And, there were reasons for both though the ones to go far outweighed the latter. One of the biggest reservations revolved around my uncertainty that he was even living in the same location anymore since all of his other information had changed and since I had sent him mail over the years and received no response. But, the ultimate decision was made and off I went, vulnerability and all.
The five hour drive gave plenty of time for thought and plenty of time for nerves to come into
play but to my own surprise, I remained very calm. There was this overwhelming sense that this was right. The timing was right. And, no matter the outcome it needed to be done at this point. My fears that I could not locate him or that he would be out of town or unwilling to talk were the only things getting in my way.
And, so it came to be that I was at his last known address. Interestingly, there was someone I caught a glimpse of in the back yard that ran into the house when I pulled up. It was not him. The car in the drive was not his and I was a little nervous at that point. No one answered the door. I banged....the dog barked, but no one would answer. Could this really be happening? Was he there, looking through the peep hole and saying, "Oh no...no way." Or was this a new person's home now?
What transpired after this is way out of character for me. I left a note on the door. I flagged down a neighbor to see if they knew whether or not he was still there. She knew him but had not seen in some time so she could not say for certain. I went to another neighbor's house and they had literally just moved in that day. And, so I sat in my van a little let down but determined not to give up. I had already tried several ways of trying to verify his location prior to this trip to no avail but in that moment in the van, I became thankful for facebook and the many connections it grants in my life today.
I reached out to some cop friends in that area to see if they could assist. Unfortunately, the timing did not work out as they were unavailable to do so at that hour. So, I decided to start my journey to some friends that had opened their home for me this evening. In route to their house, I saw a cop and decided to pull him over!
YES!!! You read that right....I pulled him over! Who is this girl?....:) I told him that I drove 5 hours today to meet this friend and was not sure he still lived in the same location and asked if he could verify his current address.
Of course he was a little hesitant at first. I received many standard questions like, "Is this a domestic issue? Is he an ex? Does he owe you money?" No, no, no....and at first I gave him nothing more than we were friends and had been out of touch for years. He could only do so much because it was not even his jurisdiction. And, what he could find was no more than what I already knew. Anything beyond that would require court orders.
My heart was sinking and this cop asked me what the visit was about. The one word that popped out of my mouth before I even realized it was, "LOVE". One sentence followed that word and this cop looked at me....a look that said it all, smiled, and quickly said...."Hang on." He wanted this to happen!
He got on the phone with his "friends" in the other jurisdiction. Because they were unable to verify anything further, they went out to this last known address. They banged on the door and received no response. They ran the tag of that car in the drive and discovered it was a relative. But, what did that mean? We still were not 100% sure.
This cop went the extra mile to help and we thought this was the end of the road but as I was about to drive away, he pulled me over to say they went out again and found him. HE'S THERE!!! And, he has your information now. I was a little baffled at this point because this cop that so desperately wanted to help me follow this dream was not sure if he was willing to talk to me or not. And, so I drove away....heading to my friend's home and wandering if this was the end of the road.
Not two seconds down the road, my phone rang. And, there he was!!! Of course, he thought I was dying since the cops had come beat on his door to track him down for me but as it turns out....the three letters I had sent him over the course of these years we've been out of touch were never received. He thought it was me that dropped off the face of the earth. WOW!
The following day was filled with some catch up and that moment of realizm when I shared my heart with him and the struggle I battled on my wedding day. The words that followed my sharing could not have been any more amazing. It was mutual. Yes.................What could be greater to hear in this moment than those precious words. It was mutual!
We pretty much picked up where we left off all those years ago and will likely laugh about the cops and that whole story from here on. The cop that helped me, turned the tables and tracked me down later to ask how things went because of his own curiosity. All the cops that were involved in that process were quite happy and are likely sharing this story amongst others themselves.
This is the kind of story I've only read about before and it's happening in reality. What a blessing and a gift. It follows up on that lesson I learned so long ago....follow your heart. I did it this time....I listened. And, though "something" took over me that gave me a boldness I can not explain I am grateful because the outcome was worth every step. Whatever the future may hold does not take away from the growth that resulted in this process. Thank you, Lord! And, thank you to the cop with a heart and those that joined in to make this possible.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight.
SERIOUSLY....You'll want to read that before proceeding. :)
Alright, if you've read that post....proceed with caution as you might not want to drink anything while perusing this entry, especially if you're the spit your drink out all over the computer when something is funny type. This is a story that brings about a bit of, well....humor for some at certain points.
The blog entry "Follow Your Heart" is one that continuously comes up for me time and time again. It has done so more times than I can count over the years. When it comes up, there is this feeling inside that tells me to just go and talk to him. But, the timing has never been right. Obviously, the appropriateness of such a conversation would not have been okay during times that either one of us were married. That was a given so why then did it keep coming up over and over and over again? Well, obviously I've been divorced for some time now and I had no idea where he was in his life anymore. But, this voice continued to pursue....and it got louder and louder.
This past Sunday, that voice started screaming at me again. I knew I had to do something. On Monday, I discovered that he was no longer married. And, on Tuesday something came over me that I can not fully explain. I'm not a spontaneous type person at all. In fact, I have to plan out my spontaneity if that gives you any idea. But, Tuesday was very different. That voice would not cease. And, I had this huge debate going on in my head....the whole go vs. stay debate. And, there were reasons for both though the ones to go far outweighed the latter. One of the biggest reservations revolved around my uncertainty that he was even living in the same location anymore since all of his other information had changed and since I had sent him mail over the years and received no response. But, the ultimate decision was made and off I went, vulnerability and all.
The five hour drive gave plenty of time for thought and plenty of time for nerves to come into
play but to my own surprise, I remained very calm. There was this overwhelming sense that this was right. The timing was right. And, no matter the outcome it needed to be done at this point. My fears that I could not locate him or that he would be out of town or unwilling to talk were the only things getting in my way.
And, so it came to be that I was at his last known address. Interestingly, there was someone I caught a glimpse of in the back yard that ran into the house when I pulled up. It was not him. The car in the drive was not his and I was a little nervous at that point. No one answered the door. I banged....the dog barked, but no one would answer. Could this really be happening? Was he there, looking through the peep hole and saying, "Oh no...no way." Or was this a new person's home now?
What transpired after this is way out of character for me. I left a note on the door. I flagged down a neighbor to see if they knew whether or not he was still there. She knew him but had not seen in some time so she could not say for certain. I went to another neighbor's house and they had literally just moved in that day. And, so I sat in my van a little let down but determined not to give up. I had already tried several ways of trying to verify his location prior to this trip to no avail but in that moment in the van, I became thankful for facebook and the many connections it grants in my life today.
I reached out to some cop friends in that area to see if they could assist. Unfortunately, the timing did not work out as they were unavailable to do so at that hour. So, I decided to start my journey to some friends that had opened their home for me this evening. In route to their house, I saw a cop and decided to pull him over!
YES!!! You read that right....I pulled him over! Who is this girl?....:) I told him that I drove 5 hours today to meet this friend and was not sure he still lived in the same location and asked if he could verify his current address.
Of course he was a little hesitant at first. I received many standard questions like, "Is this a domestic issue? Is he an ex? Does he owe you money?" No, no, no....and at first I gave him nothing more than we were friends and had been out of touch for years. He could only do so much because it was not even his jurisdiction. And, what he could find was no more than what I already knew. Anything beyond that would require court orders.
My heart was sinking and this cop asked me what the visit was about. The one word that popped out of my mouth before I even realized it was, "LOVE". One sentence followed that word and this cop looked at me....a look that said it all, smiled, and quickly said...."Hang on." He wanted this to happen!
He got on the phone with his "friends" in the other jurisdiction. Because they were unable to verify anything further, they went out to this last known address. They banged on the door and received no response. They ran the tag of that car in the drive and discovered it was a relative. But, what did that mean? We still were not 100% sure.
This cop went the extra mile to help and we thought this was the end of the road but as I was about to drive away, he pulled me over to say they went out again and found him. HE'S THERE!!! And, he has your information now. I was a little baffled at this point because this cop that so desperately wanted to help me follow this dream was not sure if he was willing to talk to me or not. And, so I drove away....heading to my friend's home and wandering if this was the end of the road.
Not two seconds down the road, my phone rang. And, there he was!!! Of course, he thought I was dying since the cops had come beat on his door to track him down for me but as it turns out....the three letters I had sent him over the course of these years we've been out of touch were never received. He thought it was me that dropped off the face of the earth. WOW!
The following day was filled with some catch up and that moment of realizm when I shared my heart with him and the struggle I battled on my wedding day. The words that followed my sharing could not have been any more amazing. It was mutual. Yes.................What could be greater to hear in this moment than those precious words. It was mutual!
We pretty much picked up where we left off all those years ago and will likely laugh about the cops and that whole story from here on. The cop that helped me, turned the tables and tracked me down later to ask how things went because of his own curiosity. All the cops that were involved in that process were quite happy and are likely sharing this story amongst others themselves.
This is the kind of story I've only read about before and it's happening in reality. What a blessing and a gift. It follows up on that lesson I learned so long ago....follow your heart. I did it this time....I listened. And, though "something" took over me that gave me a boldness I can not explain I am grateful because the outcome was worth every step. Whatever the future may hold does not take away from the growth that resulted in this process. Thank you, Lord! And, thank you to the cop with a heart and those that joined in to make this possible.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Father's Day Reflections
I found it interesting that my last post was on Mother's Day but today brought about some emotions that were more than overwhelming and thus a reflection has most certainly followed. First and foremost, the day was challenging. I spent time today watching and reading all of the facebook posts wishing father's a happy day and viewing pictures of childhood memories with father's and I felt a sadness come over me.
I am blessed with a wonderful step-father that I love dearly. He's funny. He loves me as his own. He's just as sarcastic as me, maybe even more so....actually I'm quite certain it's more so and he'd give the shirt off his back if need be to help anyone. But, I felt this surge of sadness for missing out on what it must be like to have a "father" growing up. I had one physically present but anyone that knows my story understands the meanings behind that phrase. There's a part of me that feels like I missed out and those feelings don't come around often. For the most part, I'm okay with my experience today but there are those occasional moments that sting.
This moment was brought about more so for the fact that I see history repeating itself than for the sting it singed upon me. I watch my own kiddos and the path that they are enduring in this respect and my heart aches for them. I know the truth. I see the truth. And, I feel their pain within those truths.
Their return home today brought about the most overwhelming emotion though as they shared the story of how my youngest nearly drowned. He was rescued not by those that should have been watching him and caring for him but by a stranger, an angel that pulled him out from under the water and placed him back in a safe area at which point my oldest continues the rescue by dragging him back to the bank. This makes not once, not twice, but three times now that situations have led to circumstances in which he could have easily been gone forever.
It's moments like this that I would not wish upon anyone. It's moment like this that cause the world to stop while I simply love and hug the ones I hold most dear. And, it's moments like this that I continue to find such extreme frustration in our system as this will not in the least be something that they will blink twice about because 'no harm came'.
It's moments like this that I thank my Heavenly Father for watching over me and my kiddos, for loving us and protecting us especially when I can not be present. Thank you for keeping my kiddos safe. Thank you for sending your angels to surround them. Thank you for loving me when I'm so unworthy. You are the most amazing Father anyone could ever have and I'm forever grateful for your love and mercy.
Love the ones you're with....wrap your arms around them and hold them dear.
2 Samuel 24:14
I am blessed with a wonderful step-father that I love dearly. He's funny. He loves me as his own. He's just as sarcastic as me, maybe even more so....actually I'm quite certain it's more so and he'd give the shirt off his back if need be to help anyone. But, I felt this surge of sadness for missing out on what it must be like to have a "father" growing up. I had one physically present but anyone that knows my story understands the meanings behind that phrase. There's a part of me that feels like I missed out and those feelings don't come around often. For the most part, I'm okay with my experience today but there are those occasional moments that sting.
This moment was brought about more so for the fact that I see history repeating itself than for the sting it singed upon me. I watch my own kiddos and the path that they are enduring in this respect and my heart aches for them. I know the truth. I see the truth. And, I feel their pain within those truths.
Their return home today brought about the most overwhelming emotion though as they shared the story of how my youngest nearly drowned. He was rescued not by those that should have been watching him and caring for him but by a stranger, an angel that pulled him out from under the water and placed him back in a safe area at which point my oldest continues the rescue by dragging him back to the bank. This makes not once, not twice, but three times now that situations have led to circumstances in which he could have easily been gone forever.
It's moments like this that I would not wish upon anyone. It's moment like this that cause the world to stop while I simply love and hug the ones I hold most dear. And, it's moments like this that I continue to find such extreme frustration in our system as this will not in the least be something that they will blink twice about because 'no harm came'.
It's moments like this that I thank my Heavenly Father for watching over me and my kiddos, for loving us and protecting us especially when I can not be present. Thank you for keeping my kiddos safe. Thank you for sending your angels to surround them. Thank you for loving me when I'm so unworthy. You are the most amazing Father anyone could ever have and I'm forever grateful for your love and mercy.
Love the ones you're with....wrap your arms around them and hold them dear.
2 Samuel 24:14
David said to Gad, “I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into human hands.”
Sunday, May 12, 2013
A Mother's Reflections
I get tired....a lot. I get tired of the constant cloud of this trial, this judge, this financial hardship, this order, etc. that I simply want to give up. I get tired of those that do not fully understand nor want to understand and therefore cast judgment upon us. I want to change our identities are run far, far away to escape. I want to sprout wings and fly up to heaven to get relief. I want us out! It's not that I forget the battle is to protect the innocent....but I forget the simple reasons.
On days like today I am gently reminded that the whole purpose behind this battle is LOVE. It is a Mother's Love and that is one that is strong beyond measure. For when I look into the eyes of my children, I see so much. I am blessed beyond measure and I learn what I should be teaching. Today I received the most precious gifts. Let's face it, a 7, 5, and 4 year old by nature fall into roles of selfishness. But, not these little gifts. Today, I receive these special gifts hand crafted by three glorious angels. I am gifted by two heart balloons that were decorated with messages that say, "I love you, Mom," and "Glad your in my heart...." two balloons that just yesterday these kiddos received as treats from a fun fair day. I received hand made cards with sweet messages of love. I received from the pocket of a 4 year old, a bright, shiny penny that was just found with pure excitement only moments earlier. I received all of these things with pure selflessness....with pure joy and excitement given from their giving hearts and acts of service because they "love me so much," and they want my day to be special. I got to overhear their early morning whispers as they worked hard to create these just for me.
And, this is where my strength comes from....this and God. When I am tired beyond all belief, I look into their eyes and my strength is renewed. No matter how much I want to quit, I simply can not because I WANT to do everything within my power for them. I want to fight for them just as my Father fights for me. He died for me....died, to save me. And, I would do anything for my own. My strength comes from God but God sends it through them. This is something I imagine any parent understands.
Their selfless acts remind me of what's important. As we struggle with life within this battle, we've faced many hardships. One of the big ones is the financial hardship of it all for let's face it....attorney's make a killing! And, if you tally their fees per month it is by pure acts of God that those alone have been covered. As I continue to sell off our belongings to survive at times, I'm reminded today of the big picture. It doesn't matter that we do not have dressers, a "real" dinner table, mattresses that fit our sheets, or even end tables for our 'stuff'. Did you catch that?....End tables for our 'stuff'....yes, we still have 'stuff' in the midst of it all. And, we have a roof over our head. Though we have have a tub that is 30 plus years old and plumbing just the same, we do have the ability to get clean....in our own home. And, though we eat on a card table that shakes and wobbles at times with squeaky chairs that drive this Momma batty, we always have food upon it for each and every meal. Our tempermental oven gets the job done. And, our dryer which takes two hours per load is faster than the outside line or the hassles of a laundry mat. I may be embarrassed of our chaos which exists more so than not....a HUGE change since having kids as it has totally changed my OCD nature that formally existed when everything had a place but I smile at the toys strewn upon the house because they are toys that my kiddos are able to enjoy and you are welcome in our chaos no matter how embarrassed I may be because it is love that is important, and not the lack of my alphabetized pantry.
Oh the things my children teach me. And, the lessons are so big especially for their being so small. My Father fights for me just the same. He simply wants me to love Him and to spend all of my time and focus on him. He wants me to give to Him what I have with pure joy, no matter how small it may seem....but to give my all and to do so without hesitation. What a joyous and needed reminder when I get wrapped up in the complexities of this ongoing battle. My children's joy is important. They need my love! And, love is enough.
Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's out there!
Deuteronomy 10:12
[ Fear the Lord ] And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Inquiring Minds Wanna Know....
The big question: Whatever happened? Well, here we go. God's grace and mercy is part of what happened. And, the result is I was able to make a payment towards the inevitable. Things remained quiet. And, later that week we discovered the why. My ex is no longer represented. And, though we have our suspicions we may never know the "why's" behind his being let go. But, this will mean that if he finds another one, that will be his 5th attorney in less than 4 years.
I can not explain accurately enough the level of relief that this news brought me. I don't know why but it was as if I exhaled for the first time in nearly 4 years. And, it felt good. In the big picture, it means nothing more at this point than we are in limbo but it's still a nice feeling not having a pending case hanging over my head.
Meanwhile, there are still other things going on. Some of those things are "in limbo" as well but it still remains hopeful that the truth is about to be revealed. I am hoping, praying, and waiting.
During the wait, I continue to press forward. Baseball season is amongst us for the first time and let me just tell you: You don't know busy until you know 'baseball busy'. Wow! Talk about a lot all of the sudden. We have been thoroughly enjoying it but it makes for tired kiddos and a tired Momma.
The business is still moving forward and although we remain at a snail's pace for before mentioned reasons, prayers are bringing about some potentially huge changes in that department in the near future. This is another opportunity on my end to practice faith when listening to those answers from God. Please pray that those answers will be revealed soon and that I will have the faith to pursue them accordingly.
Our school year is coming to an end and graduations, dance recitals, and the close of ball seasons are quickly approaching. I may not know what to do when summer finally hits! In it all, we are still trying to adapt to the changes that this business has brought into our lives. We are trying to cope with the change of time we spend and the ways we spend time together. It has been a big adjustment for all. But, God is in it! And, I can see it in many ways.
With all of this including my ex's current lack of representation it has not stopped him in any way from his demanding, demeaning, belligerent ways with me. In fact, he came real close to showing himself today in front of a crowd of peeps at the ballgame. It wasn't until he realized that he was in fact being watched that he caught himself and played it Mr. Joe Cool. One day, this will end. I am sure of it. I just hope and pray that it is a forced ending from authority long before my youngest is of legal age. I am so tired of 'having to endure it.'
The past month though has been welcomed with a relief that was much needed though and I know a large part of that comes from all of the many prayers from my warriors and God! I welcome this relief! I cherish it! And, I have been able to focus on other things as a result.
Please continue to pray for my kiddos. Pray that truth will indeed be revealed soon. Pray for the guidance of my business and it's success. And, pray for my strength in it all.
Thanks for being with me on this journey.
Numbers 14:17
“Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared.
I can not explain accurately enough the level of relief that this news brought me. I don't know why but it was as if I exhaled for the first time in nearly 4 years. And, it felt good. In the big picture, it means nothing more at this point than we are in limbo but it's still a nice feeling not having a pending case hanging over my head.
Meanwhile, there are still other things going on. Some of those things are "in limbo" as well but it still remains hopeful that the truth is about to be revealed. I am hoping, praying, and waiting.
During the wait, I continue to press forward. Baseball season is amongst us for the first time and let me just tell you: You don't know busy until you know 'baseball busy'. Wow! Talk about a lot all of the sudden. We have been thoroughly enjoying it but it makes for tired kiddos and a tired Momma.
The business is still moving forward and although we remain at a snail's pace for before mentioned reasons, prayers are bringing about some potentially huge changes in that department in the near future. This is another opportunity on my end to practice faith when listening to those answers from God. Please pray that those answers will be revealed soon and that I will have the faith to pursue them accordingly.
Our school year is coming to an end and graduations, dance recitals, and the close of ball seasons are quickly approaching. I may not know what to do when summer finally hits! In it all, we are still trying to adapt to the changes that this business has brought into our lives. We are trying to cope with the change of time we spend and the ways we spend time together. It has been a big adjustment for all. But, God is in it! And, I can see it in many ways.
With all of this including my ex's current lack of representation it has not stopped him in any way from his demanding, demeaning, belligerent ways with me. In fact, he came real close to showing himself today in front of a crowd of peeps at the ballgame. It wasn't until he realized that he was in fact being watched that he caught himself and played it Mr. Joe Cool. One day, this will end. I am sure of it. I just hope and pray that it is a forced ending from authority long before my youngest is of legal age. I am so tired of 'having to endure it.'
The past month though has been welcomed with a relief that was much needed though and I know a large part of that comes from all of the many prayers from my warriors and God! I welcome this relief! I cherish it! And, I have been able to focus on other things as a result.
Please continue to pray for my kiddos. Pray that truth will indeed be revealed soon. Pray for the guidance of my business and it's success. And, pray for my strength in it all.
Thanks for being with me on this journey.
Numbers 14:17
“Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
That Pesky Carrot....
I'm sure you've all seen the cartoon captions of the carrot dangling on a stick right in front giving that glimmer of hope, right? Yet, no matter how many steps forward you take or how fast you go, how much you persevere....that carrot remains unreachable. A false hope maybe? This is kind of how I feel.
We're drawing near the 4th year here. Four years of constant court battles that never seem to end. Four years of the most bizarre of bizarre circumstances unfolding before my eyes. Four years of the ever so slight glimmers of hope that the truth is about to be revealed and that things will somehow change. But, nothing yet.
My heart has been quite heavy this week. The big deadline for our previous court order is Sunday....a mere 4 days from now. I am devastated for the initial ruling of being found in contempt for following the order as it was dictated by a Judge. I found it even more devastating that my ex would have been awarded attorney's fees considering the circumstances. But, most devastating of all would be that those awards were made without a just trail to present the obvious which again....goes unheard by the lovely system we call 'justice'.
The past two plus months of my life have been filled with work, work, and more work. The path has been made difficult due to a myriad of circumstances that would prevent 'traditional' work at present. That being said, I have been through extensive training for a business I can conduct that would allow me to continue protecting my kiddos from further and unnecessary difficulties. But, this new business does not come easy. It is complicated by the fact that there are no funds on the front end to help promote and advertise it so in short....it is slow going right now.
It has impacted our family in some big ways. The kids feel the change and although the eldest can verbalize the reason we are doing these new things, they are not at an age of understanding the whys. But, they know that my time with them is different and my focus is different and that is not an easy pill to swallow. When they go to bed in the evenings, I continue to hit it hard with more steps to help get things rolling and I spend countless hours doing so which leads to one tired Momma....and any single parent out there surely understands the depths of that statement.
But, that statement is rather powerful for me right now. I AM tired, very tired. I'm trying very hard to hold on for that miracle but it's not easy. I've heard throughout my life from various people that I am strong and if I can give myself credit for anything, this would be it but I gotta be honest in saying that right now, I just do not feel it. In fact, I feel weak for even "feeling" weak if that makes sense. And, I feel like I'm letting down all of those that tell me I am strong.
I had a rather humbling experience this past week that I'm still struggling to accept. It was a spur of the moment outreach that occurred and it was extremely difficult on my end. The plus is that it allowed me the opportunity to get real with some folks that are filled with an amazing love. And, from my end....that was long overdue. But, it didn't come without discomfort or without an element of judgment that I'm still trying to process. I'd like to think that the overall result is a positive one that lead or will lead to open doors and a different level of relationships. I admit I have been more than hesitant based on my previous experience but it's time to move forward right?
The bottom line right now is that come tomorrow morning, I have to put "something" in the mail to my ex. I am in a scary place. And, I have no idea how any of this is going to play out. But, I have to continue leaning on God. I have to trust Him through all of my fears, my anger, my heartache, my discouragement, and my fatigue. He is the only solid rock! And, I will try to hang on to this powerful passage:
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
We're drawing near the 4th year here. Four years of constant court battles that never seem to end. Four years of the most bizarre of bizarre circumstances unfolding before my eyes. Four years of the ever so slight glimmers of hope that the truth is about to be revealed and that things will somehow change. But, nothing yet.
My heart has been quite heavy this week. The big deadline for our previous court order is Sunday....a mere 4 days from now. I am devastated for the initial ruling of being found in contempt for following the order as it was dictated by a Judge. I found it even more devastating that my ex would have been awarded attorney's fees considering the circumstances. But, most devastating of all would be that those awards were made without a just trail to present the obvious which again....goes unheard by the lovely system we call 'justice'.
The past two plus months of my life have been filled with work, work, and more work. The path has been made difficult due to a myriad of circumstances that would prevent 'traditional' work at present. That being said, I have been through extensive training for a business I can conduct that would allow me to continue protecting my kiddos from further and unnecessary difficulties. But, this new business does not come easy. It is complicated by the fact that there are no funds on the front end to help promote and advertise it so in short....it is slow going right now.
It has impacted our family in some big ways. The kids feel the change and although the eldest can verbalize the reason we are doing these new things, they are not at an age of understanding the whys. But, they know that my time with them is different and my focus is different and that is not an easy pill to swallow. When they go to bed in the evenings, I continue to hit it hard with more steps to help get things rolling and I spend countless hours doing so which leads to one tired Momma....and any single parent out there surely understands the depths of that statement.
But, that statement is rather powerful for me right now. I AM tired, very tired. I'm trying very hard to hold on for that miracle but it's not easy. I've heard throughout my life from various people that I am strong and if I can give myself credit for anything, this would be it but I gotta be honest in saying that right now, I just do not feel it. In fact, I feel weak for even "feeling" weak if that makes sense. And, I feel like I'm letting down all of those that tell me I am strong.
I had a rather humbling experience this past week that I'm still struggling to accept. It was a spur of the moment outreach that occurred and it was extremely difficult on my end. The plus is that it allowed me the opportunity to get real with some folks that are filled with an amazing love. And, from my end....that was long overdue. But, it didn't come without discomfort or without an element of judgment that I'm still trying to process. I'd like to think that the overall result is a positive one that lead or will lead to open doors and a different level of relationships. I admit I have been more than hesitant based on my previous experience but it's time to move forward right?
The bottom line right now is that come tomorrow morning, I have to put "something" in the mail to my ex. I am in a scary place. And, I have no idea how any of this is going to play out. But, I have to continue leaning on God. I have to trust Him through all of my fears, my anger, my heartache, my discouragement, and my fatigue. He is the only solid rock! And, I will try to hang on to this powerful passage:
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
At the Hands of His Abuse
Can this really be happening? There are two big things going on right now. One is that I can see answered prayers on the horizon. They do not appear to be coming in quite the way I as a sinful human had envisioned them but they are coming none the less. The outcome of those answered prayers, well.....STAY TUNED! I kind of hit on this briefly in the previous post and it's just a matter of time.
Meanwhile, I still have to endure. What has transpired this past week is belittling, demanding, degrading, relentless, abusive, mayhem from the ex. I am not at liberty to lose control which honestly is what I would love to do right now. No, instead I must continue to bite my tongue and accept it for what it is AND oblige for the time being. To say it's degrading is probably an understatement. It sent me into a tailspin of tears that shocked myself. I'm just so tired of it all....so very, very tired.
I do not feel very Christian like right now because I want to just let him have a piece of my mind for what it's worth. But, I can not. I want to just give up. But, I can not. I want to just run away. But, I can not. I should be reaching out and I find that hard. I should be relying on others and I find that even more difficult. For who am I to have moments of weakness? Who am I to break down and just lose it? I've held it together for the past how many years now? I'm supposed to be the strong one, right? I know how crazy that sounds but really....there's a message somewhere within that says I can not or do not have the right to break down.
This week's combination of events have led me to feeling extremely overwhelmed. I'm outta my comfort zone and I do not like it at all. I'm feeling the fears among so many other emotions and it's just a lot. And, as I try and focus on a Bible study that I am participating in, I am finding it hard to just allow my heart and my mind to be still. So, I am doing what I struggle to do and that is to allow that vulnerability to come out again. Here I am in all my genuineness. Faith is a journey, not a destination and sometimes it's difficult.
For all of my prayer warriors, I need you right now. I need an unspoken miracle before Friday. And, I have no idea what is about to unfold in light of the things I have discovered but I know it's big. Please pray for my strength right now because I feel so weak. Please pray for continued direction to the right path where the pieces of the puzzle will begin falling into place. Please pray for peace and protection and healing. Thank you for being you!
I saw the following posted on a FB friend's wall today and it spoke to me in a huge way.
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Meanwhile, I still have to endure. What has transpired this past week is belittling, demanding, degrading, relentless, abusive, mayhem from the ex. I am not at liberty to lose control which honestly is what I would love to do right now. No, instead I must continue to bite my tongue and accept it for what it is AND oblige for the time being. To say it's degrading is probably an understatement. It sent me into a tailspin of tears that shocked myself. I'm just so tired of it all....so very, very tired.
I do not feel very Christian like right now because I want to just let him have a piece of my mind for what it's worth. But, I can not. I want to just give up. But, I can not. I want to just run away. But, I can not. I should be reaching out and I find that hard. I should be relying on others and I find that even more difficult. For who am I to have moments of weakness? Who am I to break down and just lose it? I've held it together for the past how many years now? I'm supposed to be the strong one, right? I know how crazy that sounds but really....there's a message somewhere within that says I can not or do not have the right to break down.
This week's combination of events have led me to feeling extremely overwhelmed. I'm outta my comfort zone and I do not like it at all. I'm feeling the fears among so many other emotions and it's just a lot. And, as I try and focus on a Bible study that I am participating in, I am finding it hard to just allow my heart and my mind to be still. So, I am doing what I struggle to do and that is to allow that vulnerability to come out again. Here I am in all my genuineness. Faith is a journey, not a destination and sometimes it's difficult.
For all of my prayer warriors, I need you right now. I need an unspoken miracle before Friday. And, I have no idea what is about to unfold in light of the things I have discovered but I know it's big. Please pray for my strength right now because I feel so weak. Please pray for continued direction to the right path where the pieces of the puzzle will begin falling into place. Please pray for peace and protection and healing. Thank you for being you!
I saw the following posted on a FB friend's wall today and it spoke to me in a huge way.
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Be Careful What You Pray For....And, that Pivotal Moment I Wanted to Give Up
Have you ever heard that phrase?....I certainly have, many times over the course of my life. And, a part of me kind of chuckles but that's just due to my own belief system. There is much to be said about prayer and some of those things are debates about whether or not there is a right or wrong way to pray, whether prays are pure or selfish, whether prayers should follow a specific guideline, and the list can go on. Many believe that praying for God's will is the best way to pray and while I will not argue this point, I also believe that it is okay to pray for what is in our hearts. I mean, after all, God already knows this anyway.
I also hold to the belief that God's will is going to happen regardless of how I pray. Prayers are not always answered in the ways we may hope or in the ways we envision, but the end result is that they are answered according to God's will. Some of those prayers are unfolding right now.
This has been a long, emotional journey thus far and for those of you that have been with me every step of the way you understand how powerful that statement is and the depths of meaning that it holds. You understand because you have seen up close and personal a series of injustices playing out one right after another, a series of laws overlooked, motions and rulings overlooked, Judges gone mad, attorney's jaw's hitting the floor, and the culprit behind it all getting away with just about anything one can imagine within the process.
I had just about reached my bottom after this last hearing. And, who knows....maybe it was my bottom. I certainly hope so at this point. But, in light of the discoveries we made within the hearing it was more than abundantly clear that the ex was in contempt. And, yet when it was addressed with his attorney due to the clever wording of the response, once again there is nothing that we can do at this point. He walks away scott free....again!
I wanted to just cave. How?....How can this continue to be the case time and time again? With the combination of this news, the outcome of the hearing, and the unspoken I wrote about not too long ago I was ready to pack it in and just throw my hands up in the air. My emotions were bottoming out. My tears have been so abundant in the past few months, that there were not any more to release. It was a pivotal moment for me....having held on to faith for so long, having prayed for so long, having endured for so long and attempting to do so with grace, and here I was ready to give up.
And, that's when it happened. I received some news in regards the unspoken that completely changed so many, many things. It was an answered prayer. It was a specific prayer that I had been praying for quite some time and the answer was received. It lightened my heart. And, while there are still many prayers in regards to this unspoken, this is a beginning that holds promise and has meaning that I can not put into words right now. (Imagine that!)
But, it didn't end there. In regards to the ex and the above mentioned response, some documents had to be released by him to me. Within those documents, I discovered something HUGE. Unfortunately, I have to leave it there at this moment. But, HUGE is the key word here. For now, I can say this....prayers are not always answered in the ways that we hope. This discovery is not one that will walk it's way into family courts. It's bigger than that! And, the result has the potential to completely change the course of our lives in some very big ways. That does not come without fear. But, it also answers some long prayed for requests even if done so in ways that we did not envision.
Just when I was ready to pack it in, God showed Himself in ways that spoke volumes. In that pivotal moment, reminders of God's presence were revealed. Don't give up before the miracle....another phrase I've heard many times over the course of my life. And, I stand here living it as we speak. I have some renewed strength in these moments and strengthened faith as I press forward into what awaits around the corner. And, my prayers continue. I welcome yours as well.
15 “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
17 Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
I also hold to the belief that God's will is going to happen regardless of how I pray. Prayers are not always answered in the ways we may hope or in the ways we envision, but the end result is that they are answered according to God's will. Some of those prayers are unfolding right now.
This has been a long, emotional journey thus far and for those of you that have been with me every step of the way you understand how powerful that statement is and the depths of meaning that it holds. You understand because you have seen up close and personal a series of injustices playing out one right after another, a series of laws overlooked, motions and rulings overlooked, Judges gone mad, attorney's jaw's hitting the floor, and the culprit behind it all getting away with just about anything one can imagine within the process.
I had just about reached my bottom after this last hearing. And, who knows....maybe it was my bottom. I certainly hope so at this point. But, in light of the discoveries we made within the hearing it was more than abundantly clear that the ex was in contempt. And, yet when it was addressed with his attorney due to the clever wording of the response, once again there is nothing that we can do at this point. He walks away scott free....again!
I wanted to just cave. How?....How can this continue to be the case time and time again? With the combination of this news, the outcome of the hearing, and the unspoken I wrote about not too long ago I was ready to pack it in and just throw my hands up in the air. My emotions were bottoming out. My tears have been so abundant in the past few months, that there were not any more to release. It was a pivotal moment for me....having held on to faith for so long, having prayed for so long, having endured for so long and attempting to do so with grace, and here I was ready to give up.
And, that's when it happened. I received some news in regards the unspoken that completely changed so many, many things. It was an answered prayer. It was a specific prayer that I had been praying for quite some time and the answer was received. It lightened my heart. And, while there are still many prayers in regards to this unspoken, this is a beginning that holds promise and has meaning that I can not put into words right now. (Imagine that!)
But, it didn't end there. In regards to the ex and the above mentioned response, some documents had to be released by him to me. Within those documents, I discovered something HUGE. Unfortunately, I have to leave it there at this moment. But, HUGE is the key word here. For now, I can say this....prayers are not always answered in the ways that we hope. This discovery is not one that will walk it's way into family courts. It's bigger than that! And, the result has the potential to completely change the course of our lives in some very big ways. That does not come without fear. But, it also answers some long prayed for requests even if done so in ways that we did not envision.
Just when I was ready to pack it in, God showed Himself in ways that spoke volumes. In that pivotal moment, reminders of God's presence were revealed. Don't give up before the miracle....another phrase I've heard many times over the course of my life. And, I stand here living it as we speak. I have some renewed strength in these moments and strengthened faith as I press forward into what awaits around the corner. And, my prayers continue. I welcome yours as well.
1 Samuel 1:15-17
17 Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
Monday, February 11, 2013
Get Your Peanuts, Popcorn....
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls....Step right up. Today was yet another court day and it was very similar to a three ring circus. And, for what reason? This was supposed to be a hearing over child support. One would think that's pretty cut and dry, right? Has anything in this case been cut and dry? I think not! What on earth made me think this would be any different.
It was a new moment for us because we have yet another new Judge. But, that didn't come without new fears and wondering which way this hearing would pan out. It started out fairly even kill. And, then it happened....the jabs, the punches, the devious acts to sneak in any and every past event that has transpired via the other parties "interpretation" all for the listening pleasure of this new Judge. How it was even allowed to transpire is beyond me but none the less, every jab that the AR courts frown upon was taken in the efforts to make me look bad on the front end.
The result is that it opened up a huge can of worms that I can easily foresee becoming a new motion in the not so distant future....one that clearly already is accompanied by a bias within this courtroom. But, let's not go there for right now.
Today's end result was a partial win on our parts. The ex successfully takes more and more away from these kiddos through his voluntary actions. It saddens me. It sickens me. It infuriates me. And, he smiles.
The partial win is the fact that it will not be enforced for another 6 months. That gives us a little bit of a window to get things rolling in my new business and hopefully generate enough to compensate the difference. The bad news is that due to the order of the last hearing and today's events in addition, I have to come up with some pretty significant funds by the end of March or face the wrath of the court rooms yet again. In my mind, it seems impossible. I'm hoping for a miracle and trying to hang on to faith.
I walked away watching my attorney smile in disbelief that we actually got that much considering how things have historically played out in our cases. And, for me....I didn't experience the "joy" that should accompany a win. I actually experienced more anger having discovered more of his actions that are clear violations and contempt charges that went unnoticed in this process and question if he will ever be called out on these things within the courts. How does he consistently get away with so much? It baffles me. It floors me. And, I am so tired!
Shortly after court today a new discovery was made. And, it's one of those discoveries that could be significant yet given the history and track record has the potential to be overlooked just like everything else. My prayers are that this will be significant enough to open the eyes of this new Judge.
In the meantime, I will continue putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, that is all I can do. And, sometimes....that is enough.
Ezekiel 20:36
It was a new moment for us because we have yet another new Judge. But, that didn't come without new fears and wondering which way this hearing would pan out. It started out fairly even kill. And, then it happened....the jabs, the punches, the devious acts to sneak in any and every past event that has transpired via the other parties "interpretation" all for the listening pleasure of this new Judge. How it was even allowed to transpire is beyond me but none the less, every jab that the AR courts frown upon was taken in the efforts to make me look bad on the front end.
The result is that it opened up a huge can of worms that I can easily foresee becoming a new motion in the not so distant future....one that clearly already is accompanied by a bias within this courtroom. But, let's not go there for right now.
Today's end result was a partial win on our parts. The ex successfully takes more and more away from these kiddos through his voluntary actions. It saddens me. It sickens me. It infuriates me. And, he smiles.
The partial win is the fact that it will not be enforced for another 6 months. That gives us a little bit of a window to get things rolling in my new business and hopefully generate enough to compensate the difference. The bad news is that due to the order of the last hearing and today's events in addition, I have to come up with some pretty significant funds by the end of March or face the wrath of the court rooms yet again. In my mind, it seems impossible. I'm hoping for a miracle and trying to hang on to faith.
I walked away watching my attorney smile in disbelief that we actually got that much considering how things have historically played out in our cases. And, for me....I didn't experience the "joy" that should accompany a win. I actually experienced more anger having discovered more of his actions that are clear violations and contempt charges that went unnoticed in this process and question if he will ever be called out on these things within the courts. How does he consistently get away with so much? It baffles me. It floors me. And, I am so tired!
Shortly after court today a new discovery was made. And, it's one of those discoveries that could be significant yet given the history and track record has the potential to be overlooked just like everything else. My prayers are that this will be significant enough to open the eyes of this new Judge.
In the meantime, I will continue putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, that is all I can do. And, sometimes....that is enough.
Ezekiel 20:36
As I judged your ancestors in the wilderness of the land of Egypt, so I will judge you, declares the Sovereign Lord.
(Even if justice is NEVER served here on earth....each person must one day face the only real "Judge".)
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Approaching the Other Side
It's been a while now, but I have slowly been walking through the trial step by step. And, once again much has been learned through this process. I've learned more about me, but better than that....I've learned more about my relationship and communication style with God. The past couple of months have had me in a nearly constant conversation with God....something that I strive for as a Christian and fail at miserably until facing pain. But, through this experience I've also learned more about listening to God....a concept that still baffles me on many levels if it's not presented in the burning bush sort of style.
Through friends and supporters that have lent an ear, all the messages were consistent yet they interfered with God's message and with what had been laid upon my heart. That's a tough place to be in when coming from a place of having been taught that God's messages can come through others. How do you know?
A big lesson of trust is what transpired. Trusting in God and trusting in myself....and doing so when no one else agrees....wow. The messages I have received from God have all been validated thus far but it meant me having to sit with and walk through the pain. The messages continue and the trust must as well. I can not say that it's an easy path by any stretch but I've learned a great deal about that inner voice too.
This path still continues and while I do not know how it will unfold, I do know that for today I am to simply trust. I continue to communicate, to listen, and to "try" and have the patience to see the results. The experience did result in my reaching outside of my comfort zone and trusting other people. And, I survived and so did they. :)
And, strangely....some of the lessons learned within this process correlate to my upcoming court trails. They are fast approaching and have the potential to completely change our lives. But, that inner voice has been screaming here recently about some things related to the case which I now have to voice aloud to my attorney. I have no idea where that will lead us but listening to that voice and taking action is growth none the less.
Please continue to join me in prayers for those precious little ones, for this case, and for what is currently left as an unspoken.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Through friends and supporters that have lent an ear, all the messages were consistent yet they interfered with God's message and with what had been laid upon my heart. That's a tough place to be in when coming from a place of having been taught that God's messages can come through others. How do you know?
A big lesson of trust is what transpired. Trusting in God and trusting in myself....and doing so when no one else agrees....wow. The messages I have received from God have all been validated thus far but it meant me having to sit with and walk through the pain. The messages continue and the trust must as well. I can not say that it's an easy path by any stretch but I've learned a great deal about that inner voice too.
This path still continues and while I do not know how it will unfold, I do know that for today I am to simply trust. I continue to communicate, to listen, and to "try" and have the patience to see the results. The experience did result in my reaching outside of my comfort zone and trusting other people. And, I survived and so did they. :)
And, strangely....some of the lessons learned within this process correlate to my upcoming court trails. They are fast approaching and have the potential to completely change our lives. But, that inner voice has been screaming here recently about some things related to the case which I now have to voice aloud to my attorney. I have no idea where that will lead us but listening to that voice and taking action is growth none the less.
Please continue to join me in prayers for those precious little ones, for this case, and for what is currently left as an unspoken.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.
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