A Mother's Reflections

Sometimes in the midst of life and the constant battles that come with our situation, the important things get lost, overlooked, and forgotten.  The important things such as why the battle is even being fought in the first place.  Yes, I did say that because when it becomes your way of life, the "obvious" reasons are sometimes so far on the back burner in my broken human existence that I simply forget....until I'm so gently reminded.  One may ask how I could possibly forget such but what I mean is more basic, simple than the complex answers.  Let me explain.

I get tired....a lot.  I get tired of the constant cloud of this trial, this judge, this financial hardship, this order, etc. that I simply want to give up.  I get tired of those that do not fully understand nor want to understand and therefore cast judgment upon us.  I want to change our identities are run far, far away to escape.  I want to sprout wings and fly up to heaven to get relief.  I want us out!  It's not that I forget the battle is to protect the innocent....but I forget the simple reasons.  

On days like today I am gently reminded that the whole purpose behind this battle is LOVE.  It is a Mother's Love and that is one that is strong beyond measure.  For when I look into the eyes of my children, I see so much.  I am blessed beyond measure and I learn what I should be teaching.  Today I received the most precious gifts.  Let's face it, a 7, 5, and 4 year old by nature fall into roles of selfishness.  But, not these little gifts.  Today, I receive these special gifts hand crafted by three glorious angels.  I am gifted by two heart balloons that were decorated with messages that say, "I love you, Mom," and "Glad your in my heart...." two balloons that just yesterday these kiddos received as treats from a fun fair day.  I received hand made cards with sweet messages of love.  I received from the pocket of a 4 year old, a bright, shiny penny that was just found with pure excitement only moments earlier.  I received all of these things with pure selflessness....with pure joy and excitement given from their giving hearts and acts of service because they "love me so much," and they want my day to be special.  I got to overhear their early morning whispers as they worked hard to create these just for me.

And, this is where my strength comes from....this and God.  When I am tired beyond all belief, I look into their eyes and my strength is renewed.  No matter how much I want to quit, I simply can not because I WANT to do everything within my power for them.  I want to fight for them just as my Father fights for me.  He died for me....died, to save me.  And, I would do anything for my own.  My strength comes from God but God sends it through them.  This is something I imagine any parent understands.  

Their selfless acts remind me of what's important.  As we struggle with life within this battle, we've faced many hardships.  One of the big ones is the financial hardship of it all for let's face it....attorney's make a killing!  And, if you tally their fees per month it is by pure acts of God that those alone have been covered.  As I continue to sell off our belongings to survive at times, I'm reminded today of the big picture.  It doesn't matter that we do not have dressers, a "real" dinner table, mattresses that fit our sheets, or even end tables for our 'stuff'.  Did you catch that?....End tables for our 'stuff'....yes, we still have 'stuff' in the midst of it all.  And, we have a roof over our head.  Though we have have a tub that is 30 plus years old and plumbing just the same, we do have the ability to get clean....in our own home.  And, though we eat on a card table that shakes and wobbles at times with squeaky chairs that drive this Momma batty, we always have food upon it for each and every meal.  Our tempermental oven gets the job done.  And, our dryer which takes two hours per load is faster than the outside line or the hassles of a laundry mat.  I may be embarrassed of our chaos which exists more so than not....a HUGE change since having kids as it has totally changed my OCD nature that formally existed when everything had a place but I smile at the toys strewn upon the house because they are toys that my kiddos are able to enjoy and you are welcome in our chaos no matter how embarrassed I may be because it is love that is important, and not the lack of my alphabetized pantry.

Oh the things my children teach me.  And, the lessons are so big especially for their being so small.  My Father fights for me just the same.  He simply wants me to love Him and to spend all of my time and focus on him.  He wants me to give to Him what I have with pure joy, no matter how small it may seem....but to give my all and to do so without hesitation.  What a joyous and needed reminder when I get wrapped up in the complexities of this ongoing battle.  My children's joy is important.  They need my love!  And, love is enough.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's out there!

Deuteronomy 10:12

[ Fear the Lord ] And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

Inquiring Minds Wanna Know....

The big question:  Whatever happened?  Well, here we go.  God's grace and mercy is part of what happened.  And, the result is I was able to make a payment towards the inevitable.  Things remained quiet.  And, later that week we discovered the why.  My ex is no longer represented.  And, though we have our suspicions we may never know the "why's" behind his being let go.  But, this will mean that if he finds another one, that will be his 5th attorney in less than 4 years.

I can not explain accurately enough the level of relief that this news brought me.  I don't know why but it was as if I exhaled for the first time in nearly 4 years.  And, it felt good.  In the big picture, it means nothing more at this point than we are in limbo but it's still a nice feeling not having a pending case hanging over my head.

Meanwhile, there are still other things going on.   Some of those things are "in limbo" as well but it still remains hopeful that the truth is about to be revealed.  I am hoping, praying, and waiting.

During the wait, I continue to press forward.  Baseball season is amongst us for the first time and let me just tell you:  You don't know busy until you know 'baseball busy'.  Wow!  Talk about a lot all of the sudden.  We have been thoroughly enjoying it but it makes for tired kiddos and a tired Momma. 

The business is still moving forward and although we remain at a snail's pace for before mentioned reasons, prayers are bringing about some potentially huge changes in that department in the near future.  This is another opportunity on my end to practice faith when listening to those answers from God.  Please pray that those answers will be revealed soon and that I will have the faith to pursue them accordingly.

Our school year is coming to an end and graduations, dance recitals, and the close of ball seasons are quickly approaching.  I may not know what to do when summer finally hits!  In it all, we are still trying to adapt to the changes that this business has brought into our lives.  We are trying to cope with the change of time we spend and the ways we spend time together.  It has been a big adjustment for all.  But, God is in it!  And, I can see it in many ways.

With all of this including my ex's current lack of representation it has not stopped him in any way from his demanding, demeaning, belligerent ways with me.  In fact, he came real close to showing himself today in front of a crowd of peeps at the ballgame.  It wasn't until he realized that he was in fact being watched that he caught himself and played it Mr. Joe Cool.  One day, this will end.  I am sure of it.  I just hope and pray that it is a forced ending from authority long before my youngest is of legal age.  I am so tired of 'having to endure it.'

The past month though has been welcomed with a relief that was much needed though and I know a large part of that comes from all of the many prayers from my warriors and God!  I welcome this relief!  I cherish it!  And, I have been able to focus on other things as a result.

Please continue to pray for my kiddos.  Pray that truth will indeed be revealed soon.  Pray for the guidance of my business and it's success.  And, pray for my strength in it all.

Thanks for being with me on this journey.

Numbers 14:17 
 “Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared.

That Pesky Carrot....

I'm sure you've all seen the cartoon captions of the carrot dangling on a stick right in front giving that glimmer of hope, right?  Yet, no matter how many steps forward you take or how fast you go, how much you persevere....that carrot remains unreachable.  A false hope maybe?  This is kind of how I feel.

We're drawing near the 4th year here.  Four years of constant court battles that never seem to end.  Four years of the most bizarre of bizarre circumstances unfolding before my eyes.  Four years of the ever so slight glimmers of hope that the truth is about to be revealed and that things will somehow change.  But, nothing yet.

My heart has been quite heavy this week.  The big deadline for our previous court order is Sunday....a mere 4 days from now.  I am devastated for the initial ruling of being found in contempt for following the order as it was dictated by a Judge.  I found it even more devastating that my ex would have been awarded attorney's fees considering the circumstances.  But, most devastating of all would be that those awards were made without a just trail to present the obvious which again....goes unheard by the lovely system we call 'justice'.  

The past two plus months of my life have been filled with work, work, and more work.  The path has been made difficult due to a myriad of circumstances that would prevent 'traditional' work at present.  That being said, I have been through extensive training for a business I can conduct that would allow me to continue protecting my kiddos from further and unnecessary difficulties.  But, this new business does not come easy.  It is complicated by the fact that there are no funds on the front end to help promote and advertise it so in short....it is slow going right now.

It has impacted our family in some big ways.  The kids feel the change and although the eldest can verbalize the reason we are doing these new things, they are not at an age of understanding the whys.  But, they know that my time with them is different and my focus is different and that is not an easy pill to swallow.  When they go to bed in the evenings, I continue to hit it hard with more steps to help get things rolling and I spend countless hours doing so which leads to one tired Momma....and any single parent out there surely understands the depths of that statement.

But, that statement is rather powerful for me right now.  I AM tired, very tired.  I'm trying very hard to hold on for that miracle but it's not easy.  I've heard throughout my life from various people that I am strong and if I can give myself credit for anything, this would be it but I gotta be honest in saying that right now, I just do not feel it.  In fact, I feel weak for even "feeling" weak if that makes sense.  And, I feel like I'm letting down all of those that tell me I am strong.

I had a rather humbling experience this past week that I'm still struggling to accept.  It was a spur of the moment outreach that occurred and it was extremely difficult on my end.  The plus is that it allowed me the opportunity to get real with some folks that are filled with an amazing love.  And, from my end....that was long overdue.  But, it didn't come without discomfort or without an element of judgment that I'm still trying to process.  I'd like to think that the overall result is a positive one that lead or will lead to open doors and a different level of relationships.  I admit I have been more than hesitant based on my previous experience but it's time to move forward right?

The bottom line right now is that come tomorrow morning, I have to put "something" in the mail to my ex.  I am in a scary place.  And, I have no idea how any of this is going to play out.  But, I have to continue leaning on God.  I have to trust Him through all of my fears, my anger, my heartache, my discouragement, and my fatigue.  He is the only solid rock!  And, I will try to hang on to this powerful passage:

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

At the Hands of His Abuse

Can this really be happening?  There are two big things going on right now.  One is that I can see answered prayers on the horizon.  They do not appear to be coming in quite the way I as a sinful human had envisioned them but they are coming none the less.  The outcome of those answered prayers, well.....STAY TUNED!  I kind of hit on this briefly in the previous post and it's just a matter of time.

Meanwhile, I still have to endure.  What has transpired this past week is belittling, demanding, degrading, relentless, abusive, mayhem from the ex.  I am not at liberty to lose control which honestly is what I would love to do right now.  No, instead I must continue to bite my tongue and accept it for what it is AND oblige for the time being.  To say it's degrading is probably an understatement.  It sent me into a tailspin of tears that shocked myself.  I'm just so tired of it all....so very, very tired.

I do not feel very Christian like right now because I want to just let him have a piece of my mind for what it's worth.  But, I can not.  I want to just give up.  But, I can not.  I want to just run away.  But, I can not.  I should be reaching out and I find that hard.  I should be relying on others and I find that even more difficult.  For who am I to have moments of weakness?  Who am I to break down and just lose it?  I've held it together for the past how many years now?  I'm supposed to be the strong one, right?  I know how crazy that sounds but really....there's a message somewhere within that says I can not or do not have the right to break down.

This week's combination of events have led me to feeling extremely overwhelmed.  I'm outta my comfort zone and I do not like it at all.  I'm feeling the fears among so many other emotions and it's just a lot.  And, as I try and focus on a Bible study that I am participating in, I am finding it hard to just allow my heart and my mind to be still.  So, I am doing what I struggle to do and that is to allow that vulnerability to come out again.  Here I am in all my genuineness.  Faith is a journey, not a destination and sometimes it's difficult.

For all of my prayer warriors, I need you right now.  I need an unspoken miracle before Friday.  And, I have no idea what is about to unfold in light of the things I have discovered but I know it's big.  Please pray for my strength right now because I feel so weak.  Please pray for continued direction to the right path where the pieces of the puzzle will begin falling into place.  Please pray for peace and protection and healing.  Thank you for being you!

I saw the following posted on a FB friend's wall today and it spoke to me in a huge way.
 
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
 

Be Careful What You Pray For....And, that Pivotal Moment I Wanted to Give Up

Have you ever heard that phrase?....I certainly have, many times over the course of my life.  And, a part of me kind of chuckles but that's just due to my own belief system.  There is much to be said about prayer and some of those things are debates about whether or not there is a right or wrong way to pray, whether prays are pure or selfish, whether prayers should follow a specific guideline, and the list can go on.  Many believe that praying for God's will is the best way to pray and while I will not argue this point, I also believe that it is okay to pray for what is in our hearts.  I mean, after all, God already knows this anyway.

I also hold to the belief that God's will is going to happen regardless of how I pray.  Prayers are not always answered in the ways we may hope or in the ways we envision, but the end result is that they are answered according to God's will.  Some of those prayers are unfolding right now.

This has been a long, emotional journey thus far and for those of you that have been with me every step of the way you understand how powerful that statement is and the depths of meaning that it holds.  You understand because you have seen up close and personal a series of injustices playing out one right after another, a series of laws overlooked, motions and rulings overlooked, Judges gone mad, attorney's jaw's hitting the floor, and the culprit behind it all getting away with just about anything one can imagine within the process.

I had just about reached my bottom after this last hearing.  And, who knows....maybe it was my bottom.  I certainly hope so at this point.  But, in light of the discoveries we made within the hearing it was more than abundantly clear that the ex was in contempt.  And, yet when it was addressed with his attorney due to the clever wording of the response, once again there is nothing that we can do at this point.  He walks away scott free....again!

I wanted to just cave.  How?....How can this continue to be the case time and time again?  With the combination of this news, the outcome of the hearing, and the unspoken I wrote about not too long ago I was ready to pack it in and just throw my hands up in the air.  My emotions were bottoming out.  My tears have been so abundant in the past few months, that there were not any more to release.  It was a pivotal moment for me....having held on to faith for so long, having prayed for so long, having endured for so long and attempting to do so with grace, and here I was ready to give up. 

And, that's when it happened.  I received some news in regards the unspoken that completely changed so many, many things.  It was an answered prayer.  It was a specific prayer that I had been praying for quite some time and the answer was received.  It lightened my heart.  And, while there are still many prayers in regards to this unspoken, this is a beginning that holds promise and has meaning that I can not put into words right now.  (Imagine that!)

But, it didn't end there.  In regards to the ex and the above mentioned response, some documents had to be released by him to me.  Within those documents, I discovered something HUGE.  Unfortunately, I have to leave it there at this moment.  But, HUGE is the key word here.  For now, I can say this....prayers are not always answered in the ways that we hope.  This discovery is not one that will walk it's way into family courts.  It's bigger than that!  And, the result has the potential to completely change the course of our lives in some very big ways.  That does not come without fear.  But, it also answers some long prayed for requests even if done so in ways that we did not envision.

Just when I was ready to pack it in, God showed Himself in ways that spoke volumes.  In that pivotal moment, reminders of God's presence were revealed.  Don't give up before the miracle....another phrase I've heard many times over the course of my life.  And, I stand here living it as we speak.  I have some renewed strength in these moments and strengthened faith as I press forward into what awaits around the corner.  And, my prayers continue.  I welcome yours as well.

1 Samuel 1:15-17

¹⁵ “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. ¹⁶ Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
¹⁷ Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

Get Your Peanuts, Popcorn....

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls....Step right up.  Today was yet another court day and it was very similar to a three ring circus.  And, for what reason?  This was supposed to be a hearing over child support.  One would think that's pretty cut and dry, right?  Has anything in this case been cut and dry?  I think not!  What on earth made me think this would be any different.

It was a new moment for us because we have yet another new Judge.  But, that didn't come without new fears and wondering which way this hearing would pan out.  It started out fairly even kill.  And, then it happened....the jabs, the punches, the devious acts to sneak in any and every past event that has transpired via the other parties "interpretation" all for the listening pleasure of this new Judge.  How it was even allowed to transpire is beyond me but none the less, every jab that the AR courts frown upon was taken in the efforts to make me look bad on the front end.

The result is that it opened up a huge can of worms that I can easily foresee becoming a new motion in the not so distant future....one that clearly already is accompanied by a bias within this courtroom.  But, let's not go there for right now.

Today's end result was a partial win on our parts.  The ex successfully takes more and more away from these kiddos through his voluntary actions.  It saddens me.  It sickens me.  It infuriates me.  And, he smiles. 

The partial win is the fact that it will not be enforced for another 6 months.  That gives us a little bit of a window to get things rolling in my new business and hopefully generate enough to compensate the difference.  The bad news is that due to the order of the last hearing and today's events in addition, I have to come up with some pretty significant funds by the end of March or face the wrath of the court rooms yet again.  In my mind, it seems impossible.  I'm hoping for a miracle and trying to hang on to faith.

I walked away watching my attorney smile in disbelief that we actually got that much considering how things have historically played out in our cases.  And, for me....I didn't experience the "joy" that should accompany a win.  I actually experienced more anger having discovered more of his actions that are clear violations and contempt charges that went unnoticed in this process and question if he will ever be called out on these things within the courts.  How does he consistently get away with so much?  It baffles me.  It floors me.  And, I am so tired!

Shortly after court today a new discovery was made.  And, it's one of those discoveries that could be significant yet given the history and track record has the potential to be overlooked just like everything else.  My prayers are that this will be significant enough to open the eyes of this new Judge.  

In the meantime, I will continue putting one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes, that is all I can do.  And, sometimes....that is enough.




Ezekiel 20:36

As I judged your ancestors in the wilderness of the land of Egypt, so I will judge you, declares the Sovereign Lord.

 

(Even if justice is NEVER served here on earth....each person must one day face the only real "Judge".)

Approaching the Other Side

It's been a while now, but I have slowly been walking through the trial step by step.  And, once again much has been learned through this process.  I've learned more about me, but better than that....I've learned more about my relationship and communication style with God.  The past couple of months have had me in a nearly constant conversation with God....something that I strive for as a Christian and fail at miserably until facing pain.  But, through this experience I've also learned more about listening to God....a concept that still baffles me on many levels if it's not presented in the burning bush sort of style.

Through friends and supporters that have lent an ear, all the messages were consistent yet they interfered with God's message and with what had been laid upon my heart.  That's a tough place to be in when coming from a place of having been taught that God's messages can come through others.  How do you know?  

A big lesson of trust is what transpired.  Trusting in God and trusting in myself....and doing so when no one else agrees....wow.  The messages I have received from God have all been validated thus far but it meant me having to sit with and walk through the pain.  The messages continue and the trust must as well.  I can not say that it's an easy path by any stretch but I've learned a great deal about that inner voice too.

This path still continues and while I do not know how it will unfold, I do know that for today I am to simply trust.  I continue to communicate, to listen, and to "try" and have the patience to see the results.  The experience did result in my reaching outside of my comfort zone and trusting other people.  And, I survived and so did they.  :)

And, strangely....some of the lessons learned within this process correlate to my upcoming court trails.  They are fast approaching and have the potential to completely change our lives.  But, that inner voice has been screaming here recently about some things related to the case which I now have to voice aloud to my attorney.  I have no idea where that will lead us but listening to that voice and taking action is growth none the less.  

Please continue to join me in prayers for those precious little ones, for this case, and for what is currently left as an unspoken.

Proverbs 3:5-6
 
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.