A Mother's Reflections

Sometimes in the midst of life and the constant battles that come with our situation, the important things get lost, overlooked, and forgotten.  The important things such as why the battle is even being fought in the first place.  Yes, I did say that because when it becomes your way of life, the "obvious" reasons are sometimes so far on the back burner in my broken human existence that I simply forget....until I'm so gently reminded.  One may ask how I could possibly forget such but what I mean is more basic, simple than the complex answers.  Let me explain.

I get tired....a lot.  I get tired of the constant cloud of this trial, this judge, this financial hardship, this order, etc. that I simply want to give up.  I get tired of those that do not fully understand nor want to understand and therefore cast judgment upon us.  I want to change our identities are run far, far away to escape.  I want to sprout wings and fly up to heaven to get relief.  I want us out!  It's not that I forget the battle is to protect the innocent....but I forget the simple reasons.  

On days like today I am gently reminded that the whole purpose behind this battle is LOVE.  It is a Mother's Love and that is one that is strong beyond measure.  For when I look into the eyes of my children, I see so much.  I am blessed beyond measure and I learn what I should be teaching.  Today I received the most precious gifts.  Let's face it, a 7, 5, and 4 year old by nature fall into roles of selfishness.  But, not these little gifts.  Today, I receive these special gifts hand crafted by three glorious angels.  I am gifted by two heart balloons that were decorated with messages that say, "I love you, Mom," and "Glad your in my heart...." two balloons that just yesterday these kiddos received as treats from a fun fair day.  I received hand made cards with sweet messages of love.  I received from the pocket of a 4 year old, a bright, shiny penny that was just found with pure excitement only moments earlier.  I received all of these things with pure selflessness....with pure joy and excitement given from their giving hearts and acts of service because they "love me so much," and they want my day to be special.  I got to overhear their early morning whispers as they worked hard to create these just for me.

And, this is where my strength comes from....this and God.  When I am tired beyond all belief, I look into their eyes and my strength is renewed.  No matter how much I want to quit, I simply can not because I WANT to do everything within my power for them.  I want to fight for them just as my Father fights for me.  He died for me....died, to save me.  And, I would do anything for my own.  My strength comes from God but God sends it through them.  This is something I imagine any parent understands.  

Their selfless acts remind me of what's important.  As we struggle with life within this battle, we've faced many hardships.  One of the big ones is the financial hardship of it all for let's face it....attorney's make a killing!  And, if you tally their fees per month it is by pure acts of God that those alone have been covered.  As I continue to sell off our belongings to survive at times, I'm reminded today of the big picture.  It doesn't matter that we do not have dressers, a "real" dinner table, mattresses that fit our sheets, or even end tables for our 'stuff'.  Did you catch that?....End tables for our 'stuff'....yes, we still have 'stuff' in the midst of it all.  And, we have a roof over our head.  Though we have have a tub that is 30 plus years old and plumbing just the same, we do have the ability to get clean....in our own home.  And, though we eat on a card table that shakes and wobbles at times with squeaky chairs that drive this Momma batty, we always have food upon it for each and every meal.  Our tempermental oven gets the job done.  And, our dryer which takes two hours per load is faster than the outside line or the hassles of a laundry mat.  I may be embarrassed of our chaos which exists more so than not....a HUGE change since having kids as it has totally changed my OCD nature that formally existed when everything had a place but I smile at the toys strewn upon the house because they are toys that my kiddos are able to enjoy and you are welcome in our chaos no matter how embarrassed I may be because it is love that is important, and not the lack of my alphabetized pantry.

Oh the things my children teach me.  And, the lessons are so big especially for their being so small.  My Father fights for me just the same.  He simply wants me to love Him and to spend all of my time and focus on him.  He wants me to give to Him what I have with pure joy, no matter how small it may seem....but to give my all and to do so without hesitation.  What a joyous and needed reminder when I get wrapped up in the complexities of this ongoing battle.  My children's joy is important.  They need my love!  And, love is enough.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's out there!

Deuteronomy 10:12

[ Fear the Lord ] And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

Inquiring Minds Wanna Know....

The big question:  Whatever happened?  Well, here we go.  God's grace and mercy is part of what happened.  And, the result is I was able to make a payment towards the inevitable.  Things remained quiet.  And, later that week we discovered the why.  My ex is no longer represented.  And, though we have our suspicions we may never know the "why's" behind his being let go.  But, this will mean that if he finds another one, that will be his 5th attorney in less than 4 years.

I can not explain accurately enough the level of relief that this news brought me.  I don't know why but it was as if I exhaled for the first time in nearly 4 years.  And, it felt good.  In the big picture, it means nothing more at this point than we are in limbo but it's still a nice feeling not having a pending case hanging over my head.

Meanwhile, there are still other things going on.   Some of those things are "in limbo" as well but it still remains hopeful that the truth is about to be revealed.  I am hoping, praying, and waiting.

During the wait, I continue to press forward.  Baseball season is amongst us for the first time and let me just tell you:  You don't know busy until you know 'baseball busy'.  Wow!  Talk about a lot all of the sudden.  We have been thoroughly enjoying it but it makes for tired kiddos and a tired Momma. 

The business is still moving forward and although we remain at a snail's pace for before mentioned reasons, prayers are bringing about some potentially huge changes in that department in the near future.  This is another opportunity on my end to practice faith when listening to those answers from God.  Please pray that those answers will be revealed soon and that I will have the faith to pursue them accordingly.

Our school year is coming to an end and graduations, dance recitals, and the close of ball seasons are quickly approaching.  I may not know what to do when summer finally hits!  In it all, we are still trying to adapt to the changes that this business has brought into our lives.  We are trying to cope with the change of time we spend and the ways we spend time together.  It has been a big adjustment for all.  But, God is in it!  And, I can see it in many ways.

With all of this including my ex's current lack of representation it has not stopped him in any way from his demanding, demeaning, belligerent ways with me.  In fact, he came real close to showing himself today in front of a crowd of peeps at the ballgame.  It wasn't until he realized that he was in fact being watched that he caught himself and played it Mr. Joe Cool.  One day, this will end.  I am sure of it.  I just hope and pray that it is a forced ending from authority long before my youngest is of legal age.  I am so tired of 'having to endure it.'

The past month though has been welcomed with a relief that was much needed though and I know a large part of that comes from all of the many prayers from my warriors and God!  I welcome this relief!  I cherish it!  And, I have been able to focus on other things as a result.

Please continue to pray for my kiddos.  Pray that truth will indeed be revealed soon.  Pray for the guidance of my business and it's success.  And, pray for my strength in it all.

Thanks for being with me on this journey.

Numbers 14:17 
 “Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared.