Thursday, March 24, 2011

Too Good to be True?....You Better Believe It!

When it came down to the nitty gritty of the divorce, I had met with the person that would soon become my attorney.  He went over all the paper work with me and told me what could and could not be with our circumstances.  My ex and I decided, given the circumstances, that it would be in our best interest to do the divorce on our own.  It would eliminate finances that we did not have and the time and energy that I certainly did not have to spare.

We disagreed on some areas and made compromises but all in all, we came to terms on everything.  It took quite a bit of time to get there but in some respects it seemed easy....too easy!  You know that saying....and boy does it ever ring true in this case!  The Judge saw nothing out of the ordinary with our papers and the divorce became official.


My ex has this pattern though.  He will say one thing today, and tomorrow or the next day he will change his mind.  He also has some pretty intense anger with the inability to let anything go....ever!  Couple this formula together and you have a ticking time bomb so to say.

Two events took place not long after the divorce:  One involved me upholding the court papers.  That did not set well with him at all.  The other completely baffles me on some levels.  He had been flirting with me ever since the divorce.  I just do not understand this behavior and certainly did not reciprocate.  During one visitation he asked me if I was depressed at all about this divorce.  I refused to discuss this with him even though he kept pushing.

Three days later, a mere 6 weeks after the divorce, I was served!  Yep, the first motion and one of the rarest motions that exists within divorce cases was being presented by the ex in all his glory.  After reading the details which were chopped full of lies and officially hiring my attorney, the journey for the next year and a half and counting began.  And, oh....what a journey it has been thus far.


More to come soon.

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Grief that was Lifted

I had struggled for a very long time with my marriage.  My reality is that the glorious day I walked down the isle a part of me wanted to run.  I thought it was those marriage jitters to some degree but I think even then, deep down I knew this was not right.  But, I couldn't see the full picture at that time in my life and I was so afraid to admit it and leave the altar lest I disappoint all those that put so much time and effort into helping me with the wedding process.

That mask came off during the honeymoon and I did know at that point I had made a big mistake.  However, at that point I was so focused on the vows and upholding them that I thought it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to make it work.  I spent every waking hour trying and it soon began to consume my life.

I rarely understood what was going on.  I just knew that in the eyes of my ex, I was the one to blame.  It was all my fault all the time.  It was something I said, something I did, something I didn't say, something I didn't do....I could do no right.  And, there were times that I truly began to believe these things.


I grieved so much during the course of the marriage that by the time I became brave enough to stand up and make the change, I had nothing else to grieve....at least not in terms of the relationship.  What I did grieve were some milestones in my life.


I have always wanted a big family!  After having my first precious angel, that did not change.  In fact, the desire became even stronger.  There were moments not long after the divorce that I had to face in terms of not knowing if that desire would ever be fulfilled.  Precious milestones from my youngest angel would bring questions like, "Will this be the last?"  The moment in time in which I normally become pregnant again was huge.  I grieved this unknown because that desire is so, so strong!


So, I did the only thing I knew to do and I remember this moment well!  While taking a shower, as this is the one time I know I will not be interrupted by kiddos, I began talking to God.  I shared with him my desires and told him of the pain I was experiencing and asked for help.  And, in that moment my life changed.


Every one of my babies are "medical babies" and each one has been progressively more medical than the one before.  We almost lost Nathanael and that was one of the most terrifying moments I've ever experienced in my life.  God spoke to me, clear as day and told me that if I had conceived another child with my ex, this child would have died.  And, in that moment a peace came to me.  It was a peace that allowed me to let go of the focus of my desire and instead focus of the 3 precious gifts that were before me.  The pain and the grief were lifted immediately.


I don't know what God's plan is for the remainder of my life and whether or not more children will be a part of that plan.  The desire is still there but it does not cause great pain in my life today.  I have been granted that freedom.


Everything is all about God's great timing.  I had to travel this journey for many reasons.  Part of the reason is no doubt the 3 greatest gifts of life and that's only one reason.  But, the journey to end also had perfect timing because God saved my heart from the grief that would have resulted had I not listened to him at that time.  I have never received a message as clear as this one from God and it is one that I will never, ever forget!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Starting from the Present and Working Backwards....

Welcome to my blog.  I'm new at this so please be patient.  I'm also a single mother of 3 young children so understand that my posts may not be on any specific or consistent time schedule.  But, I am here to share a part of my journey.
 
Most of you already know bits and pieces and some know with great detail; however, for many reasons that could not be stated up until now I have been unable to really share the heart of what my experience has been like beyond a select couple of folks.  The times are changing and I am very grateful!

This is a journey of trials and struggles, of new experiences, the unexpected, the unknowns, fears, frustrations, pain, changes in relationships, growth, and the consistent Grace of God throughout the entire process.  You are welcome to be a part of that with me today.

I will be traveling back to the beginning of my divorce and working up to the present to give some glimpses into what the past year and a half have been like in my world.  It is my experience, my emotions, my journey and I say that for a reason that will soon be revealed within my posts.  This is not a gossip column so I ask that you respect that and do not use it for that purpose.  

I have grown a lot and learned a lot during this time and I want anyone out there to know that no matter what life throws at you, God is the only constant and that my friends is ENOUGH.  He is the source of my strength and the most loving, caring, forgiving Father I could ever imagine.  I am so very grateful to know Him and to know that He knows and loves me!  Blessings to all those that share in this journey.