The holidays were fast approaching and I could practically taste the break, the relief if only for a moment, the security of simply being on the other side of the country as we went to visit family. It was my favorite time of year and we were off.
It was nice to be away and to see the pure joy of my kiddos as they relish in the opportunity to be spoiled by grandparents. I was loving it....for a day anyway. However, I got an "urgent" email from my attorney at this point informing me of my ex's "new" attorney. What does this mean exactly?....Well, I learned real quick that for me it meant doing everything in my power to get a new attorney as mine was clearly intimidated by this guy and he no longer wanted the case.
Due to the urgency of the matter, I kid you not...my ENTIRE visit was spent on the phone day after day trying to get a new attorney for representation. The problem: no funding = no attorneys. I'm not sure pro-bono exists within our economy today. No one would even give me the time of day. The "free and/or sliding scale services" in our area were overbooked and not accepting new clients. I finally realized that I was stuck!
I went back to my attorney explaining all the avenues that were dead ends. He had no sympathy, no compassion. He simply stated that I could no longer afford him and the rules of the game had changed. I had to become stern and stand my ground. This may very well have been part of the lesson in this experience for me as it is out of my comfort zone. The result is that he remained on the case, but he no longer "worked" for me or "fought" for me. He suddenly began doing only the bare minimum of what it took to get by and I knew this....what a horrible feeling in the midst of such a trying time.
So, the new motion on the floor.....drum roll please....the SAME motion from a year and a half ago when this all began. That's right! He's starting all over again! I took a deep breath but did not feel the intensity of the emotions this go round. There was a part of me that was very confident that this motion would fail.
I have learned in the journey to simply stand back at times and trust. Why?...Because there have been times that this action is all I had left in me. It became my only option. I learned to lean on God....a lot! I often question why it takes such difficult battles to remind me of this process but I know that I get very wrapped up in life when things are going well and I admit that God does not become my 1st during those times. It's certainly not something I am proud of but a struggle none-the-less.
During these times, God has certainly spoken to me in many ways and I try to listen even though my mind is saying "What?!?" I have had to rely more on Him because so many others turned away. I pray for the safety and well being of my kids daily and then I ask God to show me the what He wants me to gain from this process. I hope that I will be able to see!
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