The next few months became a time in which I was tested the most in my faith. By this time, I was tired. I was worn out, broken, beat down, scared, and filled with grief from those that choose to judge, criticize, and shame me. I noticed that for the first time in my life, I turned to food for comfort. Big sigh....
Yes, I was living a life that basically consisted of doing whatever it took to get through the next day, the next hour, the next moment, sometimes a mere second seemed unbearable. I focused as much time and energy as possible on my kiddos. And, I slept! When I had to remain awake in order to do more work for the case which was often, I'd work and eat....work and eat. The quality of my life was lacking and I knew that I simply had to walk through this until I could get to the other side.
But, it was during this time that I did stop to some degree. Someone else took over. It was my body, my mind, my work....and yet, it was not. God stepped in and took the wheel. He carried me when I was weak. He lifted my spirits when I was defeated. He comforted me when others ran away. He loved me when others judged. And, when my fears kicked into high gear He never removed the peace that I held onto deep down knowing that He was in control!
I think at this point, I knew that things were not going to end well at this time. I somehow knew that part of my journey would include losing most everything before gaining it all but knowing this did not calm my fears or prevent me from fighting for what was right. What can I say?....I lived in a liberal state, with liberal judges, an attorney that was terrified of his opposing counsel, and an ex that continued to con and manipulate all those around him.
I had to return to relying solely upon God. I sometimes wander why it is that it takes trials and tribulations to remind me of this important task but I must admit that when life is good, I get caught up in it and more so than not, God becomes my second thought. I forget that we are here for a short time and our focus should be on God all the time. Struggles bring me to my knees. And, with this particular struggle more lessons than I ever thought imaginable are being incorporated. (More on that aspect later.) This journey is changing who I am on many levels. And, for that, I thank God!
But, it was during this time that I did stop to some degree. Someone else took over. It was my body, my mind, my work....and yet, it was not. God stepped in and took the wheel. He carried me when I was weak. He lifted my spirits when I was defeated. He comforted me when others ran away. He loved me when others judged. And, when my fears kicked into high gear He never removed the peace that I held onto deep down knowing that He was in control!
I think at this point, I knew that things were not going to end well at this time. I somehow knew that part of my journey would include losing most everything before gaining it all but knowing this did not calm my fears or prevent me from fighting for what was right. What can I say?....I lived in a liberal state, with liberal judges, an attorney that was terrified of his opposing counsel, and an ex that continued to con and manipulate all those around him.
I had to return to relying solely upon God. I sometimes wander why it is that it takes trials and tribulations to remind me of this important task but I must admit that when life is good, I get caught up in it and more so than not, God becomes my second thought. I forget that we are here for a short time and our focus should be on God all the time. Struggles bring me to my knees. And, with this particular struggle more lessons than I ever thought imaginable are being incorporated. (More on that aspect later.) This journey is changing who I am on many levels. And, for that, I thank God!
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