Pressing Forward in the Midst of Helpless Feelings

Welcome to the very painful leg of this journey.  A lot of things have changed in a very short period of time.  Last week I walked through the process of depositions once again.  My experience this go round was much, much different than the first.  I am told that it went well and I do share that feeling.  My ex and his true colors were beaming within his and that is also a good thing.  My ex has also added to his motion and filed an additional one all of which are requesting "incarceration please."  And, we have finally filed one of our own.  The timing was long overdue and yet perfect timing. 

But, the heartache....oh the heartache.  My kiddos continue to struggle and things have escalated.  Again, sensitive nature....details withheld here but it's so hard to sit back and to watch knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do because of how the "system" works.  I must wait.  I must allow things to continue.  I must watch them continue in their own pains.  This is such a hard concept when as a parent my role is to protect and that right is not within my control at this point.

I have come to understand so many things within this experience.  I understand how people reach a point of wanting to take matters into their own hands.  I understand why people go into hiding or simply run.  I understand some of the reasons behind changing identities.  And, while I'm not going to participate, this understanding has served to remove more of my judgments due to lack of knowledge.  There is not better teacher than first hand experience.

I had to experience one of the most difficult, heart-breaking acts yesterday in the midst of screaming little ones.  And, the result was met with an avalanche of tears.  Tears for their pain, tears for all of our fears, tears for those feelings of failure as a Mother from the inability to protect in the legal sense, tears for what should not have to be....it was a long night and there are 6 more ahead of me at this point.

My fears are in overdrive and all I can do right now is pray, pray, and pray some more.  I pray for their safety.  I pray for the resolution to arrive quickly.  I pray for the strength to continue fighting on their behalf.

The question that keeps coming up for me is how can I continue praise God's name through it all.  And, while I do not know the "right" answer to this question if one exists, I simply do the little things for now.  Behind all of those tears, I thank Him for the ability to grieve and to release in healthy ways today.  I thank God for my support group, my faithful prayer warriors, and all those that are actively helping in this process.  And, I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes, the little steps are BIG accomplishments.

Psalm 10:13-15

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ Why does the wicked man revile God?
    Why does he say to himself,
    “He won’t call me to account”?
¹⁴ But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted;
    you consider their grief and take it in hand.
The victims commit themselves to you;
    you are the helper of the fatherless.
¹⁵ Break the arm of the wicked man;
    call the evildoer to account for his wickedness
    that would not otherwise be found out.