Sunday Reflections

Today was spent with some reflections and a lot of gratitude.  I was thinking back on the past 2.5 years and even some prior to that and the myriad of events that have transpired and I simply stopped to thank God!  A lot of people still think that is crazy.  What?!?  You thank God for living through absolute and total hell?!?  You thank God that nearly everything in your world was taken away?!?  You thank God that your life was turned upside down and that your friends & family turned against you and tried to cast you out of your own church?!?  YES!  Yes, I do!

Why?....It was all a part of the journey.  Don't get me wrong.  I wouldn't want to re-live it by any stretch but it was, oh how shall I say this....necessary!  When everything is taken away what's left aside from you?  YOU!  The mess was cleared so the focus could become clear.  I tried to trust the process along the way but all I could see were the multitude of closed doors.  That didn't; however, stop me from growing.  With each closed door, a new lesson emerged although it didn't say much for moving forward.


The moving forward was something at times I thought may never happen.  It wasn't that I didn't want to move forward but the obstacles in my path in large were out of my control.  Being side-tracked is an understatement.  But, in God's perfect timing things shifted.  The first big change for me was that moment I laid eyes on the picture above...the absolutely mortifying photo on the left.  I nearly fell apart seeing it pop up on FB.  It was the photo that symbolized how out of control my world had become and it was the moment I said, "No more!"  I had already been in that process of psyching myself up to make a change but this photo pushed me with great force.


Oddly, all other things followed suit.  When I made that decision to take my life back other things started to fall into place.  Remember that ONE magical day?....See previous posts if ya missed it.  This is how my world began changing.  I chose the one area that I could control and took action.  The domino effect began to unravel.  


There are still many things in the air right now.  Some are minor and some are HUGE and there are many in between.  But, I can see doors today.  They are within view.  I am walking towards some right now wondering how in the world it can even remotely be possible yet trusting the process and excited to see where it may lead.

I thank God for the journey for many reasons, but on some levels I thank Him simply because His purpose is so much higher than I'll ever understand.  Life is good!  And, just as the after shot above is not the finale, neither is this journey.  I am still pressing forward and there are still some obstacles to face before that anticipated day when I can finally say....resolve is here but I face what lies ahead with the new wisdom and experience that resulted from those paths. 

Jeremiah 3:15
Then I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with knowledge and understanding.




           

Migraine to Freedom

This was a BIG day!  And, the start of today was most unpleasant.  I felt it before I ever opened my eyes....that irritating throb in my head before I can even begin to stir indicating migraine, migraine.  And, today's was not just any migraine....it was one of those that literally makes ya sick.  Ick!  I was miserable....until that glorious moment....  And, really this a very rare thing in my world.  Of all days, huh?  Maybe it was just really poor timing (as if good timing for such a thing really exists) or maybe it was nerves, but none the less a nightmare.  Thankfully, it started to lessen closer to crunch time.

Today's events brought about a lot of new 'firsts' if you will.  First time facing the "system" in AR.  First time before the new power that be's.  :)  (My apologies to my fantabulous English teachers.  I really know better!)

Surprisingly, I did indeed remain calm throughout the entire experience.  I attribute the majority of this to God....period.  It most certainly would take a miracle.  The end result is that I remain free and we'll just leave it at that for now.  This was of course a good thing.  But, ya know....things never play out as you might expect.  The other aspect of today is that some more pertinent things are left unresolved for now with those decisions left to be addressed in the near future.

You would think that I'd walk away feeling good given today's outcome and initially I did experience this feeling; but it was short-lived and followed by a sinking feeling that has been hard to shake.  Is that based on past experience, or is that partly instincts of what's to come as a form of retaliation?  Could be either or neither.  But, I'd be lying if I said they didn't exist.


My decision in facing those uneasy feelings though is to turn back to God over and over again, to remain in prayer for what still lies ahead, for the powers that be to have the ability to see the truth and to make those decisions accordingly, and for the resolve to become a part of our lives.


I end today thanking God for granting my the ability to maintain peace within a process that is void of such a term.
 

The Arms of God

Today is Sunday and it is unlike many in the past.  Typically on the Sunday prior to a big week like the one I am about to face, Sunday's are trying on the emotions.  Whether that is about the significance of the week about to begin, the nerves at play, the day of rest giving time for such emotions to really show themselves, or some combination....today is different.

Today I feel the arms of God surround me, the love of God fill me, the peace of God taking over me.  Today is good and I thank God for this feeling and this freedom in Him.  This verse has been musically playing in my mind this morning:  

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Where would I be without Him?  It's a question that I simply can not comprehend.  He is all of this and so much more.  He is the reason I can hold my head up in the midst of life's trials and continue to put one foot in front of another.  He is the reason I can rest on this day with peace in my heart.  And, I do so not knowing what this week will hold when huge issues are about to be addressed.

Tomorrow may not be the same, but there is a verse that I find comforting right now which helps me when that faith wavers and those fears try to take hold.


Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Turn Your Hearing Aide On!

Oh what a busy week it has been....so busy in fact that some of life's most essential necessities have been poorly neglected, like facebook.  ;-)  Seriously though, it has been a week in which there were many late, late nights spent gathering data and documents galore in preparation for what's to come.

Through it all, while it puts me in a somewhat familiar spot with the whole chasing documents routine it is really very different.  The peace within the process has truly been a saving grace.  I have had moments of fear and self-doubt, but they are thankfully few and far between.  

I still have many questions in my head, but I hold hope in my heart.  Will this be God's perfect timing for all things to finally resolve?  My hope is YES!!!  My prayer is YES!!!

As exhausted as I feel in some respects, I am grateful to have a full weekend ahead of me with no time to stop.  That is likely a very good thing as I await the coming week.  This next week will be BIG in more ways than one.

One huge, "ultimate" decision will be made by the powers that be and in turn many lives will be effected.   At this point, I believe I have prepared in every way possible and all I can do is to sit back and allow God to take over from here.  As the time gets closer the prayers will likely increase not only for the outcome but for my nerves! 


It is also a big week in terms of one of those puzzle pieces that fell into place.  If all continues to go well and everything happens on time, I will soon have a place to call home.  Talk about two extremes, eh?  Yet, they could both be on the same end of the spectrum....


If there is anything I could pass on to others about my experience, it would have to be this....listen to your instincts.  When your gut is screaming at you pay attention even when other emotions are trying to take the lead.  The more I experience within this process, the more that central theme factors in....listen, listen, listen.  


For some reason, that makes me think about this story:  My Oldest...Mr. Way to Smart for his Age, mimics his Pop or picks on him whichever the case may be and will often say, "What, huh?....Hold on, I forgot to put my hearing aide in.  I can't hear you."  I sometimes feel this way when it comes to those gut feelings, those screaming instincts...but I must say that they are louder and clearer today than they have been in the past.  Praise the Lord!

Walking Through the Pain

Today, thus far, has been the most painful day I've experienced in quite some time.  Threats have been followed through on and the very sad, unbelievable reality to it all is that there is minimal likelihood that anything will be done about the entire situation.  That's my earthly fear and my earthly experience per the past 2.5 years talking.

My hope is that God will now intervene.  My hope is that God will place his hands on the powers that be and show them the truth and the dangers at play.  My hope is that all matters will quickly resolve at this point.  I have to cling to that at this moment and I have to keep reminding myself of this verse over and over:

"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of what you see before you. For the battle is not yours, but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15

It's hard to remove that battle from my own hands more so than not, but God's got this!  There is something so much bigger going on than what I can see right now.  That somewhat lightens the pain, but it doesn't take it away.  Holding fast to that faith during the pain?....That's important!

God has never failed me.  This world has, the courts have, attorney's have, people have, that list goes on and on....but not God.  He is my one constant!  Thank you, Lord!  Thank you for carrying me when I simply can not walk.  As my heart is weighted down today and I struggle to breathe, I'm looking to You.


I pray for healing.  I pray for the truth to be revealed to those that must make the ultimate decisions.  And, above all else I pray for Your constant love and protection for my precious, little ones!  Prayer works.  That has been shown to me more times than I am worthy.  The power of prayer is remarkable.  So, if you are reading this right now I ask you to just STOP.  Stop for a moment and pray as I embark on this painful portion of the journey.  God knows all the details!  God is in control!

"Oh LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness & righteousness come to my relief." Psalm 143:1

Then, there was this ONE DAY....

The next several months became a series of events.  I was in a place of searching....searching for common things such as doctors, lawyers (wait, is that common? ;-)), churches, etc.  But, I was also searching for other things such as how to get my feet back on solid ground, some place to call home, some means in which to support myself.

There were days in which the next step seemed easy and days that seemed overwhelming.  Those overwhelming feelings would emerge as I started seeing this pattern.  The pattern in my world was that every....and I do mean EVERY door continued to shut, one right after another.

I remember many nights simply praying, "please show me the way."  I truly had NO idea.  There have been so many times over the course of my life that I have felt that tug for missions.  That also became a struggle at this point.  Missions can be so many different things....short term, long term, action based, prayer based, local, out of town, out of country....this list goes on.

This became a part of my struggle as I tried to understand the purpose of all the closed doors.  I found a place to call home in terms of a church.  I was a bit nervous to go at first given the size, but it didn't take long at all for me to realize this was indeed where I was supposed to be at this time.  It was my first open door.  And, I got involved in small missions here and there.  Yet, the pull remained strong.

While this is going on, other doors continued to shut one right after another.  Every time I was right on the brink of possibility, an obstacle would interfere.  I think I amazed myself within this process with the ability to just move forward having the mentality that this was God's plan.  There was a time in my life that such a reaction would not have been the case.  Thank God for growth in Him!

Yet, I remained so confused....so lost with the journey.  I just didn't know where to go.

And, then there was this ONE DAY....this one day happened really out of no-where.  It was the day many of the pieces fell into place.  I kid you not....I sat down at the end of that day and literally looked up into the sky and praised God with thanks over and over and over.  


There was a series of events, news updates, etc. that all took place at the same time. I began thinking, this is it....FINALLY!  This is where things turn around in our world.  There was a lot of good but some of that good came with a heavy load to carry.

Have you ever experienced those answers to prayer when they are not exactly as you had hoped?  Sometimes, God's answers are through a series of events that we had not really banked on, hoped for, or dreamed of in any capacity.  Sometimes they can be hard to swallow.  And, sometimes the initial answer to prayer is followed by more tribulations before the 'end' result comes into play.

This is kind of where I am right now.  I have intentionally skipped over some very huge events none the less and left some of this entry in vague terms, but the message is what's important.  The initial "good" of one of the events on that glorious day came with intense pain and other emotions that are hard to face.  The initial answered prayer appears short lived and now we are in the midst of some hefty tribulations! 


The series of events that have just recently unfolded are hard and have left me with decisions that I can tell you beyond a doubt are the most difficult I have EVER had to make.  The results of those decisions are out of my control.  SCARY!  If you do not understand the intensity of that word "SCARY" be sure and see all previous posts!


After some recent threats and knowing more difficult decisions lie ahead, I have found myself attempting to waiver too far into the fear.  I thank God for bringing me back.  I once heard that when fear overpowers your hope, there is a problem.  Faith is the answer!  I'm grateful that even in situations that seem impossible, I can come back to this statement.  I can hang on to faith because of the hope I find in Jesus Christ.  HE CAN DO ANYTHING!!!  He has a plan.  


I pray most every night for the safety and protection of my children.  Right now, those prayers have increased....a lot!  I welcome my friends and family to join me in prayer.  This is a tough spot, but I pray that my actions within this leg of the journey will glorify God.  And, I pray that the 'end' result will soon come into play bringing forth those answered prayers.

It's Good to Be Home....Home Sweet Home!

As we arrived in our new state, the first couple of weeks were more like a vacation.  Those were followed by the standard 'get everything changed checklist' from addresses, to driver's license, etc.  This turned into the first couple of months being a huge period of transition from the minor items to the bigger decisions like new doctor's for example.

But, I must say that I experienced an unexpected in this process.  The plan here for us was to live with my folks until we were able to get into our own place.  Let me just say that if you have never had the 'experience' of returning home after having been independent for more years than I will state here....to term it 'experience' is the nicest way to put it.

Don't get me wrong, for I am grateful to have the support and to be taken in when it was needed.  What I did not bank on was the glimpse into the mirror.  I was faced with seeing myself through another person.  I was faced with seeing my flaws, my weaknesses, my defects.  And, it was not pretty in the least.  NO!  It was more than that....it was painful!  My tears were overflowing and my life was ever changing.

It was during this time that I remember thanking God for the 'experience'.  I knew that this was indeed part of the journey.  I had to travel this path in order to be exposed to the areas within myself that needed to change.  You know we never change when there is not any discomfort, right?  The time was now and the changes began taking action.  Wow, what an amazing freedom to see such things and have that ability to say, "no more."

In other areas, a new lifestyle was beginning.  It was my "nightmare" but at this point I will have to say this:  parts of my blog will have to remain vague unfortunately.  It's not something that I like; however, due to the sensitivity of the situation and the reality that (it is not over), I have to be real careful in what I do share at this point.  Some day at some point, I will be able to back track and fill in the gaps.  Until then, this will be more about the emotions rather than the specifics in some areas.

In the process of settling into a new life, the old familiar still continued as my ex was in contempt yet again.  Let me stop right here and just state that part of his 'offer' was that he would follow us here at the exact same time.  He worked out a deal where he could work remotely from his new state and not have to leave his job.  And, I was not taking any chances.  I began interviewing attorneys almost immediately.  What I discovered is that with each attorney I met with, my story results in the ultimate jaw drop with statements that follow like "Are you kidding me?"  "How could this happen?"  "The courts really allowed this?"  "WHAT?!?"

Of course these things did not change the outcome, but it certainly helped me to regain some of my own sanity in knowing that this was by far one of the craziest cases....period.  The outcome is jaw dropping.  Yet, there is reason....there is purpose in it that I must trust.  Some of those things have already been revealed to me for I question how likely it would have been for me to take a look so deep within myself and begin changing aspects that needed to be addressed if I had not walked such a path as this one.

I will never be who I was in some respects.  As I continued taking the next right step after step, somewhere in the midst of it all I had had enough!  It was time to take my life back.  My journey to health began as I jumped on the band wagon to weight loss.  The motivation was high and it felt awesome!  So, many things were changing and almost all of it was good!


The past 2 years had been a dark valley, the light of day no where in sight.  And, although the peace lived deep within me, I just could not see the slightest glimpse of that light no matter what I did.  At this point, I still could not say that the light was visible, but the hill was not nearly as steep.  The journey started to become easier and I knew that whatever path I was on, it was the right one.....or was it?


More to come.