Eyes on Heaven

I am here and I am breathing and just for today that is all I can do.  My tears have been overflowing and my brain simply can not comprehend the situation.  Thank goodness for friends and prayer and above all else a loving God that embraces me during these difficult trials.

There are many people doing some fancy footwork right now in efforts to see if wrongs can be made right.  Even in the midst of the wrongs that have been made, the endeavor to make it right will likely be an uphill battle and without a true miracle will not prevent further and unnecessary damage and trauma to the innocent.

How is a mother to move forward in such as this?  I sit back and listen to my oldest son who is wise way beyond his years.  I listen to his strong desire to go to Heaven.  How amazing is he that is so on fire he longs to be with Jesus.  If I can maintain that focus, how much better would things be right now?

Yes, we live in an imperfect world filled with pain and sorrow.  Yes, it is temporary.  And, yet it is so difficult to maintain our true purpose when faced with trials that knock us off our feet.  I had a moment, ever so brief in which I was able to simply sit back and say...."Lord, let me continue to shine for you in the process."  Regardless of it all, to hear Jesus say, "Well done my child," would be far greater than anything this earth could possibly offer.

I want to remain faithful.  I want to continue giving it over to Him, and trying not to take it back.  I want to continue doing the right thing when ever fiber in my being is screaming the opposite!  My prayers have steadily increased.  I continue to pray for my children's safety and well being but I am also praying for that urgent miracle!  I am praying for the guidance in how to provide for this travesty as well.  And, I am trying to listen.

Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

1 Chronicles 16:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ Look to the Lord and his strength;
    seek his face always.

¹² Remember the wonders he has done,
    his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
¹³ you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
    his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.

Crushing Sorrows

This was it....the BIG week....the BIG decision!  And, devastating does not even begin to touch the heart-ache of the outcome.  I have never....so many things have floored me within the process but this by far tops the cake.

The decision had already been clearly made prior to us entering the courtroom and it was so ruled based upon things that simply can not be....we'll leave it there for now.  There may be more to this story but at this moment, it is what it is.  I am hereby in contempt.  And, not only am I at a loss on this level, but I must also pay for his attorney's fees, etc. in addition to my own.

I was also in very certain and clear terms threatened by the powers that be to avoid measures that would protect the innocent.  There was more added at this moment but given the details and where we are in the process, that will be withheld.  The bottom line is that I have been placed in a no-win situation. 

And, who suffers?....If it were simply me, I could put on my big girl britches.  But, the heartache that comes from this is simply far greater than I can adequately put into words.  I focus on breathing....literally at times.  I focus in order to maintain my composure in front of precious, little ones that need me now more than ever.

It is no easy task.  The heaviness is felt in every fiber of my being.  I have experienced many thoughts, most of which are not one's that your average joe would admit.  But, they have been there.  I understand how people can get to certain levels and make certain choices today.  I may not be able to see myself acting out on those thoughts, but I do understand.  What happens when evil prevails and justice is no where near?  What happens when little ones depend on you for certain things and you are not "allowed" to fulfill those needs?

A test of faith?  I really do not know.  I'm beyond words at this point.  Somewhere deep within I still believe that the truth will come out and that things will somehow work out but right now it's hard for me to hold on to that belief and that trust.

I am thankful for friends that let me wail and share words that one can barely comprehend through all the tears.  I am thankful for those that continue to pray.  I am thankful for the love and support of so many that have helped me walk through this journey.  I WILL keep walking forward, one step at a time.

If you are following this blog, I ask for your many prayers during this time.  I ask that you pray for miracles at this point.  Please pray for the protection of those innocent lives.  Please pray that the truth will be revealed and that this will all come to an end.

Numbers 11:17
I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take some of the power of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them. They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone.

Friday Freedom

It's Friday.  Thank goodness!  And, this past week has been much better.  I realize my last post was not your "feel good" type of writing but it was brutal truth none the less.  Within trials, those moments exist.  I can not stay in them long today.  I have learned that I must walk through it but then walk beyond it and keep taking the next right step.

The beginning of this week started off with the pure joy of having my babies back safe in my arms.  There is no greater joy!  I also had the pleasure of talking with those that are strong supports right now and that comes with added relief.  It's hard to talk about this stuff at times because it, well....it's heavy.  But, having that ability is so beneficial and healing in the midst of it all.

I also had plenty of opportunity this week to focus on others and that rocks!  :)  I'm really loving my new life here even though the trials continue.  There are lots of good things on the horizon, good friends, good supports, and a great church.

I am again on the brink of a faith walk after having received the attorney's bill for this month due by the end of the month.  It's beyond me and my comprehension right now.  I have no idea how it will pan out but I'm praying and brainstorming and to my own surprise have not been overly stressed by it's seeming impossibility.

Aside from this, we are simply in a holding pattern.  Court is fast approaching but until then we kick back and enjoy life.  I am so thankful for new friends that remind me just how to do this when it's most needed!

Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Pressing Forward in the Midst of Helpless Feelings

Welcome to the very painful leg of this journey.  A lot of things have changed in a very short period of time.  Last week I walked through the process of depositions once again.  My experience this go round was much, much different than the first.  I am told that it went well and I do share that feeling.  My ex and his true colors were beaming within his and that is also a good thing.  My ex has also added to his motion and filed an additional one all of which are requesting "incarceration please."  And, we have finally filed one of our own.  The timing was long overdue and yet perfect timing. 

But, the heartache....oh the heartache.  My kiddos continue to struggle and things have escalated.  Again, sensitive nature....details withheld here but it's so hard to sit back and to watch knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do because of how the "system" works.  I must wait.  I must allow things to continue.  I must watch them continue in their own pains.  This is such a hard concept when as a parent my role is to protect and that right is not within my control at this point.

I have come to understand so many things within this experience.  I understand how people reach a point of wanting to take matters into their own hands.  I understand why people go into hiding or simply run.  I understand some of the reasons behind changing identities.  And, while I'm not going to participate, this understanding has served to remove more of my judgments due to lack of knowledge.  There is not better teacher than first hand experience.

I had to experience one of the most difficult, heart-breaking acts yesterday in the midst of screaming little ones.  And, the result was met with an avalanche of tears.  Tears for their pain, tears for all of our fears, tears for those feelings of failure as a Mother from the inability to protect in the legal sense, tears for what should not have to be....it was a long night and there are 6 more ahead of me at this point.

My fears are in overdrive and all I can do right now is pray, pray, and pray some more.  I pray for their safety.  I pray for the resolution to arrive quickly.  I pray for the strength to continue fighting on their behalf.

The question that keeps coming up for me is how can I continue praise God's name through it all.  And, while I do not know the "right" answer to this question if one exists, I simply do the little things for now.  Behind all of those tears, I thank Him for the ability to grieve and to release in healthy ways today.  I thank God for my support group, my faithful prayer warriors, and all those that are actively helping in this process.  And, I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes, the little steps are BIG accomplishments.

Psalm 10:13-15

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ Why does the wicked man revile God?
    Why does he say to himself,
    “He won’t call me to account”?
¹⁴ But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted;
    you consider their grief and take it in hand.
The victims commit themselves to you;
    you are the helper of the fatherless.
¹⁵ Break the arm of the wicked man;
    call the evildoer to account for his wickedness
    that would not otherwise be found out.

Perseverance....A Topic the Keeps Popping Up!

I'm having a bit of deja vu here.  Can we say, "Court, court, and more court?"  Sigh....  Yes, last Friday I was served yet again.  And, yet again the impending potential for the orange jumpsuit is at hand.  Here we go again!  But, oh....wait for it........wait for it.........on Monday I find out that they want to depose me.  If anyone is unfamiliar with that term, I think of it much like having my fingernails pulled out one by one or maybe even chopping them off at the knuckle.  It's grueling at best and nothing more than a tire-less fishing expedition.  That occurs next week!

In the meantime, I sit and wait.  Yes, those old familiar feelings submerge as I try to focus on the day at hand.  It becomes difficult to focus with all those unknowns ahead.  And, Monday was trying.  I remember the last depo I experienced.  My fears took hold initially.  But, after some discussions with attorney and taking the time to give it back to God, they did eventually subside.

Recently, someone shared their thoughts on this matter stating that it's all about to come to a head.  A part of me believes this to be true.  And, yet there is still this small uncertain part in the back of my head questioning if this is what I will have to endure for the next 15 to 18 years.  Surely not, but in light of what has already transpired for 3 years and counting now I'm just not convinced 100%.

I hope that this statement is very true as another stumbling block in my path now is that my resources for covering all of this are just about dry.  I've literally been told in light of the depo alone to go sell a kidney.  Although it wasn't meant "literally", really it is and I have to continue my prayers in this avenue as well.

I have been okay for the past 2 days.  My hope is that this peace does indeed continue.  I imagine it may be a little different next week, but my prayers are that I will remain at peace and remember that God is in control.  I am doing everything legally possible in my power to protect the innocent.  I have to continue trusting and believing that God has a plan and hope that I will one day understand it.

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

A Time for Everything....Even Orange Jumpsuits!

God has this fabulous way of creating exactly what is needed at the best moments.  Today had such the potential to spiral into the lashing of unwanted emotions.  My brain kicked into overload for brief moments, triggered by another one of those "blocks" that led to more heart ache.  I thought back to that moment that I was able to embrace my precious baby upon his return.  I remember thinking I'd never let him go again as I simply held him for hours.

In the midst of the additional "block" today, I long for that moment that I can embrace my other babies and know that they are okay and I pray for them constantly.

In light of so many, many things I was asked this ultimate question on Friday.....Are you willing to go to jail for the sake of your kids?  YES! YES! YES!  was my answer without hesitation.  That is so powerful for this imperfect human.  I strive to live as God would have me to live.  I fall short all the time.  But, there are certain areas in which I am proud of and would not want them to change.  One of those areas is having that 'clean' sheet.  Big surprise, eh?  Hush up all ye sarcastic friends of mine.  ;-)  But, seriously....clean as in nothing, nada,  not so much as a parking ticket.  To get a ding like oh I don't know, an arrest record....well, that would just mortify me.

But, as a parent I have discovered that the things I once clinged to are not nearly as important anymore.  Even a clean record does not carry such a huge weight if you counter it for what is right and was is best for the lives that must be protected.  I certainly would not have ventured into this area without the sound advice of the professionals involved but ultimately it still comes down to my choice and my actions.

I pray that this is not the road I must travel.  And, I pray that if it becomes my reality someone will bail me out.  Orange simply is not my color.  But, I know and feel in my heart that my actions were right.  I have also learned that I am tired of learning right now and would greatly appreciate a break.  ;-)
 
I found the following passage appropriate for today.  Originally, I was only going to post a portion of it but the entire passage was comforting.  There most certainly is a time for everything and I must remember that when those "things" are uncomfortable, unjust, and unholy!  It is I that must remain Christ-like within those difficult moments and trust in God's plan.  For He is perfect and His plan has great purpose.  Thank you, Lord for teachable moments even when I am tired of learning.

Ecclesiastes 3

New International Version (NIV)

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

¹⁵ Whatever is has already been,
    and what will be has been before;
    and God will call the past to account.^[b]

¹⁶ And I saw something else under the sun:

In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
    in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

¹⁷ I said to myself,

“God will bring into judgment
    both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
    a time to judge every deed.”

¹⁸ I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. ¹⁹ Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath^[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. ²⁰ All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. ²¹ Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”

²² So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

Every Parent's Worst Nightmare

If you're a parent, you likely want all the best for you child/children.  You teach them all about life.  You laugh with them.  You play with them.  You watch them grow.  You strive to protect them to the best of your ability.  And, you let them go at various stages so that they may embrace their independence in an effort to continue that pattern of growth.  As a parent, there are scary moments along the way.

For new parents, it may be those beginning unknowns:  What does each cry mean?  Am I holding them enough?  Too much?  Or on those glorious nights that a wee one sleeps well, it may be the constant checking just to be sure they are breathing when you really should be savoring those rare moments of good rest.

But, what happens when you let a child go for x, y, or z reason and they do not return?  Have you ever experienced that SINKING feeling when you know something is about to happen or has happened and you simply must wait to find out the "what"?  I have!  I experienced this gut wrenching, heart ache last weekend when my baby did not return home.  My ex refused his return.  It's hard enough when you know things are not as they should be but to have a child taken and held; that pain is horrid!

And, although police came in full force they were conveniently gone.  What more could I do but wait, and wait, and wait.  It was a weekend of no sleep.  And, it was a weekend in which my fears kicked up into high gear.  The fears were there for a multitude of reasons and the weekend's events caused them to escalate.


I'm really not sure how I made it through but God's blessing's shine when I least expect them.  Remember that "EXPERIENCE" I had with my former church with the folks that chose to participate?  I've noticed that it holds me back in my current church family.  I have sat back quietly just observing and taking t-niney baby steps in building relationships again.  I do not want to go through that pain a second time.


But, on this Sunday things were different.  It was a very small group in Sunday School and opportunity was ever present to share a bit on what has been going on in my world.  I can not say that it came easy as this is not an easy topic to discuss.  I would much rather laugh and forget heavy conversations.  But, that is not life and it is certainly not being "real".  I value the whole in others and often times must remind myself to give the whole to others.


Over the course of this past week, many things have been taking place.  I do not rest easy right now but I remain confident that God is in control.  My heart aches for the things that are transpiring.  And, yet hope remains that the end is near.  The end that brings forth resolution, healing, and that new life....it's sooooo close!  Whether that is hope or faith, it's comforting.


This morning, I realized that in my many months of 'observations' in my new church home I have witnessed so many glorious things.  I have witnessed a group of people that sincerely care about others, that focus on missions, that love others for their who they are, and that strive to help others in any way that is possible.  They help me to be a better person.

And, through prayer they offered me more than words can truly express.  I have seen some of the answers to these prayers unfolding all day long through a series of events and for that I am extremely grateful.  It is the power of God that can change a parent's worst nightmare into an absolute blessing.  There are still huge blocks ahead.  But, I am not alone.  My strength has been renewed today.  Thank you, Jesus! 


Exodus 15:2
The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.  He is my God, and I will praise Him, my father's God, and I will exalt Him.