We're drawing near the 4th year here. Four years of constant court battles that never seem to end. Four years of the most bizarre of bizarre circumstances unfolding before my eyes. Four years of the ever so slight glimmers of hope that the truth is about to be revealed and that things will somehow change. But, nothing yet.
My heart has been quite heavy this week. The big deadline for our previous court order is Sunday....a mere 4 days from now. I am devastated for the initial ruling of being found in contempt for following the order as it was dictated by a Judge. I found it even more devastating that my ex would have been awarded attorney's fees considering the circumstances. But, most devastating of all would be that those awards were made without a just trail to present the obvious which again....goes unheard by the lovely system we call 'justice'.
The past two plus months of my life have been filled with work, work, and more work. The path has been made difficult due to a myriad of circumstances that would prevent 'traditional' work at present. That being said, I have been through extensive training for a business I can conduct that would allow me to continue protecting my kiddos from further and unnecessary difficulties. But, this new business does not come easy. It is complicated by the fact that there are no funds on the front end to help promote and advertise it so in short....it is slow going right now.
It has impacted our family in some big ways. The kids feel the change and although the eldest can verbalize the reason we are doing these new things, they are not at an age of understanding the whys. But, they know that my time with them is different and my focus is different and that is not an easy pill to swallow. When they go to bed in the evenings, I continue to hit it hard with more steps to help get things rolling and I spend countless hours doing so which leads to one tired Momma....and any single parent out there surely understands the depths of that statement.
But, that statement is rather powerful for me right now. I AM tired, very tired. I'm trying very hard to hold on for that miracle but it's not easy. I've heard throughout my life from various people that I am strong and if I can give myself credit for anything, this would be it but I gotta be honest in saying that right now, I just do not feel it. In fact, I feel weak for even "feeling" weak if that makes sense. And, I feel like I'm letting down all of those that tell me I am strong.
I had a rather humbling experience this past week that I'm still struggling to accept. It was a spur of the moment outreach that occurred and it was extremely difficult on my end. The plus is that it allowed me the opportunity to get real with some folks that are filled with an amazing love. And, from my end....that was long overdue. But, it didn't come without discomfort or without an element of judgment that I'm still trying to process. I'd like to think that the overall result is a positive one that lead or will lead to open doors and a different level of relationships. I admit I have been more than hesitant based on my previous experience but it's time to move forward right?
The bottom line right now is that come tomorrow morning, I have to put "something" in the mail to my ex. I am in a scary place. And, I have no idea how any of this is going to play out. But, I have to continue leaning on God. I have to trust Him through all of my fears, my anger, my heartache, my discouragement, and my fatigue. He is the only solid rock! And, I will try to hang on to this powerful passage:
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
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