The Storm Sets In

I've always heard it said that the storm rages at it's worst right before the calm.  Here I am, Lord!  Comfort me and protect my precious, little ones.  Today could not have been any more emotional.  And, it's a very mixed array of emotions I might add.  Prayers are being answered but not quite as we had hoped.  Confirmations of my worst fears have been overwhelming and even with all that we have....we must wait.  Sit and wait while more opportunity for further harm is upon us.  At this very hour, at this very minute....and I am completely powerless.

I'm leaning on you, Lord!  You are my strength.  In You I trust!  Let the power of prayers rain through this weekend.  Let the power of prayers be ever powerful on Tuesday.  Let the power of prayers protect my sweet babies!

As the storm begins to rage, my blog entries have certainly increased.  And, a dear friend asked this past week what should be a simple question :  "How can we help you?"  Yeah, not so simple really.  The biggest answer here is prayer....continual, constant prayer.  But, this person meant more on the up close and personal level.  And, truth be told....I simply did not know.  I had to put great thought into it.  I continuously try to put one foot in front of the other and keep on living each day in the midst of it all.  I haven't really stopped to think about this and part of that is because I know somewhere within that IF I do stop, those emotions may come as a tidal wave.  Character defect much?

But, what is reality but to realize that eventually that will occur anyway.  See there, I did learn me 'sum' edu-macation huh?  ;)  Yes, throwing in some attempts at humor to take away the surge because it is here.  It's here, not quite in full force but it's here.  So, love me.  That's what you can do.  Love me.  Don't pity me....love me.  Let me feel.  Listen.  Let me kick and scream.  Let me cry.  Let me melt down and be real.  Cry with me.  Let me rejoice in the fact that although we haven't made it to the other side just yet, the truth is slipping out.  Let me fall apart.  Help me back up.  Walk with me.  Love my kiddos.  And, when we do walk to other side, help us all to pick up the pieces and move on.  Love me at my worst so that I can thrive at my best.  For right now I am weak, so very weak and if not for my Savior Jesus Christ....I have no idea how I could travel this road.

Lord, let me be a light for you in it all.  Let me shine your word that says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0  Mercy Me:  The Hurt and the Healer

Mighty Prayer Warriors

Could this be it?

This past week, several new people stumbled across this blog for the first time and with that came new prayer warriors.  Thank you, Lord!  It could not have happened at a better time.  And, again....there was a moment this week in which I felt those prayers and their mighty power.  In the midst of moments in which I wanted to simply give up, cater to the enemy for the sake of it being "over", or simply run away the peace from the power of prayers washed over me.

It did not keep me solely focused on the task at hand with the preparations before me.  I have struggled in that area and likely should have accomplished far more at this point, but tonight...tonight things happened.

I don't know if it's enough and I don't know how it may be "perceived" by the powers that be....but it brought me down to my knees in a mixed array of tears both for the event itself and the glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe this is what we needed.

I know that's vague.  It's one of those moments in the journey that due to the sensitive nature of what is taking place, the details can not be revealed here.  But, the short of it all is that the "evidence" we have been lacking may have just been presented.  It could still be a stretch but it is certainly far closer than we have been thus far.  And, tomorrow may bring it to light.  Tomorrow, given the professional call of what has transpired will hopefully be enough to protect the innocent.  This is my prayer.  And, I am asking all of my mighty prayer warriors to join forces right now.

What ever you are doing....please stop for a moment.  For those that know names, please pray specifically for them.  For those that do not, God knows.  I just ask that you lift them up now.  I don't have much faith in the system and I'm sure that's understandably so if you have followed my entire journey here.  But, I do have faith in God.  And, I have faith in miracles.  And, I know that hard as it is....HIS timing is always perfect.  

There is always that chance that this may not be enough and if it's not, I will still press forward fighting with all that I have for what is right.  But, I'm hoping tonight's events are the key.  Thank you again for being a part of the journey with me.  

 Job 6

 Job 6:8
“Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for,

 Job 6:11
“What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?

God Speaks to Failing Strength

Today was by far one of the toughest days I've faced.  It started out with emotions generated by an event that reminded me much of Jr. High.  Do you ever get put in those situations today?  Geez.  Sometimes I forget that everyone is on a different level and that possibility still exists.  None the less, it came with much discomfort and I struggled to know whether or not I should confront the issue.  Instead, I found deep within that it is probably better that I just allow those beliefs of the other to be what they are rather than create what would likely be an embarrassing moment for that person.  Growing up is so hard sometimes! 

But, this was coupled with something far more painful than words can express.  I spent this entire day preparing documents for court.  And, the documents that I am preparing force me to recall every painful moment, every painful story, every painful report that my precious little ones have shared with me.  It reminds me of all those times that I "should" be able to protect and am not permitted due to our system.  It brings up those helpless feelings and those feelings that this will never end.  It brings up those feelings of failure as a mother and I gotta say, the weight of it all was so intense today.

I'm a strong person.  I've overcome a lot in my life but today I thought I might just break.  Today, I struggled with feelings of wanting to just throw in the towel.  And, then I took a break and jumped onto facebook.  And, the very first post I read from a friend was as follows:   "Parents, protect your little ones as best you can, as God protects you."  You want to talk about God at work?  I nearly broke into tears from such a short and simple statement.  It was just the reminder I needed to hear.  This is what I am doing.  This is why I am fighting.  This is my job.  This is my responsibility.  And, I must do everything within my power to stand up and protect!  My Father certainly protects me, even in this broken world in the midst of such injustice.  

I have several more days ahead of me in which I must continue to face these same facts as I did today in preparation for what's to come.  Today, I heard this gentle message that said it's time for me to allow others to carry me.  WHAT?!?  NO, not me!  Yes, it's a hard concept for me.  I want to do it all myself.  But, it's time to allow others to be a part.  Some of you already are just in sharing this journey with me through the blog and through prayers.  But, it's easy to hide behind the computer screen and heal through writing.  Sharing it face to face takes a whole 'nother type of courage but it also brings on a whole 'nother type of healing.

I've jumped out of my comfort zone just a little in the past week or so and I will continue to do so because the message I received today was clear.  I can not do this alone.  It doesn't matter how strong a person may or may not be, we all need to lean on others at some point.  This is not my strong point.  In fact, I'm pretty bad at it!  But, I will say that not long after I received this message, I began to experience some of that inner peace again.  The pain began to lessen and allow me a breather.  A neighbor then knocked on the door just wanting to sit and chat.  God took the burden away.  And, I thank Him!  And, I'm trying to listen.

Deuteronomy 1:12
But how can I bear your problems and your burdens and your disputes all by myself?

Psalm 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Galatians 6:2
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Beach Bummed....

The past two weeks have been a little different in our worlds and for the most part, in a good way.  Traditionally, we take a beach trip each year now.  This was started as a result of a very loving friend that "slightly" twisted my arm into doing something that would be good not only for our family unit as a whole but additionally something that would be good for ME.  What a concept, eh?  I'm typically not very good at doing things for myself.  But, one taste of this experience was all I needed.  It really hit home for me and it became "our" gift from then on.  

Unfortunately, due to all of the court may-ham that has been inflicted upon us and all the funding that it requires, our every last pot is gone including our vacation money.  No beach trip for us!  :(  It was heart-breaking to me and I was extremely sad that I could not provide this to my precious kiddos.  But, I decided to do what I could for "our vacation".  Thanks to coupons, memberships, and grandparents we were able to participate in many adventures right here at home.

We spent days fishing, bowling, skating, going to the Discovery Museum, the Zoo, and the Wonder Place.  We had a few movie nights, game nights, and special treat nights.  We truly tried to make the best of what we had in front of us and it was a pure joy to these kids as well as to me having the opportunity to watch them.  I don't think they are nearly as upset about missing the beach as me and that's good.  I may have missed out on the opportunity to get rejuvenated but I am honored to be their Mother and to be able to see the joy on their faces as they explore and grow.

The end of our time was met with one that continues to dictate, demand, and control....something that he finds great pleasure in at this moment.  Our vacation time was cut short per the court order and yet, I have no control over it due to the circumstances.  It was done purely out of a vindictive nature and it tears me up inside.  It continues on today with more demands and more control on such a level that a certain level of harm crosses our paths.  My hope is that the truth will be revealed PRONTO!  Forget soon....I've been hoping for "soon" for 3 years now.  Let's make it PRONTO, for their sakes.

In other news, I did finally take the big plunge and do something for me.  I missed the beach so it had to be "something" right?  I took the big plunge of a first date.  Yep, kind of scary I must admit.  For a long, long time I simply wasn't interested.  But, I finally took that step.  And, a part of the final decision came from a dear friend encouraging me (once again) to do something for ME.  Amazingly, I listened.  Thank you, friend!  

Here's looking for a good week.  May you all be blessed.  Thank you for being a part of the journey with me.

Help me Lord to remember Your words!

Psalm 15

A psalm of David.

¹ Lord, who may dwell in your sacred tent?
    Who may live on your holy mountain?

² The one whose walk is blameless,
    who does what is righteous,
    who speaks the truth from their heart;
³ whose tongue utters no slander,
    who does no wrong to a neighbor,
    and casts no slur on others;
⁴ who despises a vile person
    but honors those who fear the Lord;
who keeps an oath even when it hurts,
    and does not change their mind;
⁵ who lends money to the poor without interest;
    who does not accept a bribe against the innocent.

Whoever does these things
    will never be shaken.

What Prayer Will Do!

I can always tell when my friends have joined together to pray for us.  I know because I feel it....yes, literally.  And, the past two days are fine examples.  I have been free from the heavy burden for these past two days, free from the fears, and free from the concerns of what is to come.  I have been able to focus solely on my precious kiddos.

Today, I was able to sit back and witness the remarkable engineer-like mind of my oldest child as he was completely fascinated by how things work and even more intrigued by the thought of creating new ways to make the same objects work.  I witnessed this same child melt at the sight of animals and quickly fall into a role of caring and healing.  And, more still the mimicking behavior of a hibachi chef as he whipped up a meal for me to feast on and in doing so, never missed a beat of every intricate detail involved in the process.

I was able to witness the meticulous ways of my girl and her systematic way of play that truly gives her great joy.  She maps out everything in her mind and makes it happen from that point.  I was reminded of her passion for animals and the amazing connection she has with them unlike any typical response I see from day to day with other children.  She even allowed her sensitive nature to shine through in the midst of today's activities and in doing so exposed her heart so full of love.

And, I was able to witness my baby so musically inclined get into the groove with the right rhythm and beat.  I watched his cooperative, easy going nature shine while he joyfully explored new adventures.  And, in the midst of these new adventures I could see those little wheels turning in his head as he tried to figure out the details of how each thing functioned.  I was ecstatic to see his ability to express himself without concern of others and his perseverance to sit patiently while working to achieve a task.

Thank you, Lord!  Thank you, friends!  Thank you for the reprieve of all else in the world for these precious moments.  I will joyfully accept any reprieve at anytime.  It reminds me that this is not forever.  Nothing is permanent in this world.  And, it reminds me that THIS is what I am fighting for and they are worth any burden that I must bare.  They bring more joy than words could ever express.  What an amazing gift from God they are and I will continue to do everything in my power to protect them. 

Psalm 150

¹ Praise the Lord.^[a]

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heavens.
² Praise him for his acts of power;
    praise him for his surpassing greatness.
³ Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
    praise him with the harp and lyre,
⁴ praise him with timbrel and dancing,
    praise him with the strings and pipe,
⁵ praise him with the clash of cymbals,
    praise him with resounding cymbals.

⁶ Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord.

You Can Take 'Me' Out of the Church, but....

Another Sunday has arrived and what an "interesting" day this has become in my world.  During the course of my marriage while everyone else looked forward to the weekends, I dreaded them because it meant facing the horrors of my experience....an experience I vividly remember.  When I became free of that there was an expected shift in my experience, but not exactly what I had envisioned.  The shift removed that dread; however, my Sunday's became somber.

How can this be?  This is the Lord's day, a day of rest, a day of reflection, a day of rejuvenating, and a day of celebrating life through Him.  And, there are likely many reasons behind it but I struggled to isolate them in my own world.  I had a vague idea as to one reason and beyond that I simply walked through it week after week.

Today, a topic arose in our SS class that triggered more of that core root.  And, it trickles back to that moment that I was asked to leave my former church.  Here lies this new pastor completely lacking in knowledge of who I am, who my ex is, or any facet of our relationship and the dynamics of what had taken place.  And, yet in light of a rumor generated by others I was given not the third, but the thirty-third degree via a voicemail in which I was told never to return to the church because I was not welcome.  This came from the preacher and the preacher alone....not a group, not a committee, and not even with the confrontation to affirm any validity of what had been alleged.  I wasn't exactly hurt at this point.  I was angry.  And, I called a meeting with the pastor and another member of the church to confront the issue.  It took great lengths of conversation and quite bluntly "arm twisting" just to get this preacher to agree to meet and talk.  Within that conversation I became vulnerable and revealed some of my experience and also challenged this claimed authority he had taken on as I verbalized the "proper" steps of removing one from the church.  It came with a semi-calm but blank stare indicating the lack of belief to my experience.  The end result is that I was not "kicked" out of the church, but it was indeed over for me at that point.

It was over because half of the members fell into a very difficult place and without question believed all the hub-bub of what was circulating.  Add this to the lack of support from the leader of the church, one who single-handedly tried to cast me out and the end result is that I truly was not welcome as a whole.  I got tired of the stares, the glares, and the whispers coming from those I had called family.  It saddened me to no end as there was still half that loved, supported, and prayed along with me through it all.  It saddened me because of those that fell in the other category, not one....not one single ONE ever took it upon themselves to seek the truth.  But, the pain of remaining was far too great at that moment.  I had to walk away.

I will tell you that of all the painful moments along the way, aside from the pain involved with my precious kiddos and matters directly involving them, this was by far the most painful part of the entire process for me!  This was my church, my home, my family....I loved them dearly and still do.  I shared with them.  I became vulnerable with them.  I grew with them.  And, this was the end result....during a time when I needed them most.  I am so very, very grateful for the ones that did continue to love and support me during that time, but it became hard to tell with others which direction they were leaning.  

I realized in some degree today that this is a portion of what carries on for me.  I have a new home, a loving home, and one that challenges me to continue growing.  But, to break down that wall on such a level as to become "that" vulnerable again is not easy.  Whether it's a bit of fear that history may repeat itself unrealistic as that may be, or the simple fact that I haven't completely grieved the former loss or maybe a combination....here in lies the somber Sunday's.  

I don't dread Sundays.  It's not every Sunday and that's not the only reason behind it.  Some Sunday's are more of a release from the week, a moment in which I'm not running around and therefore am able to simply sit and feel those emotions of everything currently taking place.  But, it's time that this too take a shift.  And, blogging this portion of the journey is a step in the right direction.  It's a minor detail in retrospect of the entire experience as it played out as there were so many other factors and situations that also had quite an impact, but it's the overview that can best be summed up here.

The bottom line is that my battle wounds from this experience still hurt and they go deep.  They have played a vital role in my hesitations to become close to my new family.  But, they will not win.  There was a time in my life many, many years ago where I would have walked away from the church as a result but I know that is not the answer.  I know that these actions were by sinners, sinner like me and that God is and always will be the answer.  I'm grateful to have that strength today.

Exodus 15:2
“The LORD is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

The Rollercoaster Ride

My heart is heavy right now.  The past few weeks have been a complete roller coaster ride with that heavy heart setting in about every other day give or take.  To say it's uncomfortable is an understatement.  I simply do not like being in this place.  But, reflecting back this is more than an absolute nightmare.  It's the case that makes every attorney's jaw drop.  It's the scenario that creates new laws as a result of injustices.  And, then I look forward and ask how we simply move on.  My role is to protect and yet that has been stripped away from me.  My role is still to protect!

I will go to my grave trying everything within my powers, within legal standards to protect.  What I'd love to do right now is to run....far, far away.  Why, oh why do I have a conscience?!?  I can not do it not only because it is wrong but because that is not the life I want for my precious, little ones.

So, how does one move on?  When I say I'm waiting on my miracle....it's no exaggeration.  I don't know that anything in our world....our broken, sinful world can help to resolve this situation.  I have prayed many countless prayers through this process and cried many painful tears.  My faith has wavered multiple times as a result of my fear but I have to hang on to that one important element:  hope!

My prayer has always been that the truth would be revealed to the powers that be and somewhere deep down that hope still remains....that the truth WILL be revealed and that resolve will begin to occur and that healing will result.  It's not a matter of "if" for me....it's a matter of when.  It simply must happen.

I have learned many, many things on this journey and grown more than I would ever have imagined.  I'm ready to begin a new one!  Better yet, I'm ready to take a break before beginning a new one!  Life is so much more than this, yet for us...."this" is all consuming at times, more times than I'd like to admit.

For now, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other taking baby steps when necessary and allowing God to carry me when I'm unable to move.  

Job 5:15-17

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁵ He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
    he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
¹⁶ So the poor have hope,
    and injustice shuts its mouth.

¹⁷ “Blessed is the one whom God corrects;
    so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.