Another Sunday has arrived and what an "interesting" day this has become in my world. During the course of my marriage while everyone else looked forward to the weekends, I dreaded them because it meant facing the horrors of my experience....an experience I vividly remember. When I became free of that there was an expected shift in my experience, but not exactly what I had envisioned. The shift removed that dread; however, my Sunday's became somber.
How can this be? This is the Lord's day, a day of rest, a day of reflection, a day of rejuvenating, and a day of celebrating life through Him. And, there are likely many reasons behind it but I struggled to isolate them in my own world. I had a vague idea as to one reason and beyond that I simply walked through it week after week.
Today, a topic arose in our SS class that triggered more of that core root. And, it trickles back to that moment that I was asked to leave my former church. Here lies this new pastor completely lacking in knowledge of who I am, who my ex is, or any facet of our relationship and the dynamics of what had taken place. And, yet in light of a rumor generated by others I was given not the third, but the thirty-third degree via a voicemail in which I was told never to return to the church because I was not welcome. This came from the preacher and the preacher alone....not a group, not a committee, and not even with the confrontation to affirm any validity of what had been alleged. I wasn't exactly hurt at this point. I was angry. And, I called a meeting with the pastor and another member of the church to confront the issue. It took great lengths of conversation and quite bluntly "arm twisting" just to get this preacher to agree to meet and talk. Within that conversation I became vulnerable and revealed some of my experience and also challenged this claimed authority he had taken on as I verbalized the "proper" steps of removing one from the church. It came with a semi-calm but blank stare indicating the lack of belief to my experience. The end result is that I was not "kicked" out of the church, but it was indeed over for me at that point.
It was over because half of the members fell into a very difficult place and without question believed all the hub-bub of what was circulating. Add this to the lack of support from the leader of the church, one who single-handedly tried to cast me out and the end result is that I truly was not welcome as a whole. I got tired of the stares, the glares, and the whispers coming from those I had called family. It saddened me to no end as there was still half that loved, supported, and prayed along with me through it all. It saddened me because of those that fell in the other category, not one....not one single ONE ever took it upon themselves to seek the truth. But, the pain of remaining was far too great at that moment. I had to walk away.
I will tell you that of all the painful moments along the way, aside from the pain involved with my precious kiddos and matters directly involving them, this was by far the most painful part of the entire process for me! This was my church, my home, my family....I loved them dearly and still do. I shared with them. I became vulnerable with them. I grew with them. And, this was the end result....during a time when I needed them most. I am so very, very grateful for the ones that did continue to love and support me during that time, but it became hard to tell with others which direction they were leaning.
I realized in some degree today that this is a portion of what carries on for me. I have a new home, a loving home, and one that challenges me to continue growing. But, to break down that wall on such a level as to become "that" vulnerable again is not easy. Whether it's a bit of fear that history may repeat itself unrealistic as that may be, or the simple fact that I haven't completely grieved the former loss or maybe a combination....here in lies the somber Sunday's.
I don't dread Sundays. It's not every Sunday and that's not the only reason behind it. Some Sunday's are more of a release from the week, a moment in which I'm not running around and therefore am able to simply sit and feel those emotions of everything currently taking place. But, it's time that this too take a shift. And, blogging this portion of the journey is a step in the right direction. It's a minor detail in retrospect of the entire experience as it played out as there were so many other factors and situations that also had quite an impact, but it's the overview that can best be summed up here.
The bottom line is that my battle wounds from this experience still hurt and they go deep. They have played a vital role in my hesitations to become close to my new family. But, they will not win. There was a time in my life many, many years ago where I would have walked away from the church as a result but I know that is not the answer. I know that these actions were by sinners, sinner like me and that God is and always will be the answer. I'm grateful to have that strength today.
Exodus 15:2
“The LORD is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
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