The Rollercoaster Ride

My heart is heavy right now.  The past few weeks have been a complete roller coaster ride with that heavy heart setting in about every other day give or take.  To say it's uncomfortable is an understatement.  I simply do not like being in this place.  But, reflecting back this is more than an absolute nightmare.  It's the case that makes every attorney's jaw drop.  It's the scenario that creates new laws as a result of injustices.  And, then I look forward and ask how we simply move on.  My role is to protect and yet that has been stripped away from me.  My role is still to protect!

I will go to my grave trying everything within my powers, within legal standards to protect.  What I'd love to do right now is to run....far, far away.  Why, oh why do I have a conscience?!?  I can not do it not only because it is wrong but because that is not the life I want for my precious, little ones.

So, how does one move on?  When I say I'm waiting on my miracle....it's no exaggeration.  I don't know that anything in our world....our broken, sinful world can help to resolve this situation.  I have prayed many countless prayers through this process and cried many painful tears.  My faith has wavered multiple times as a result of my fear but I have to hang on to that one important element:  hope!

My prayer has always been that the truth would be revealed to the powers that be and somewhere deep down that hope still remains....that the truth WILL be revealed and that resolve will begin to occur and that healing will result.  It's not a matter of "if" for me....it's a matter of when.  It simply must happen.

I have learned many, many things on this journey and grown more than I would ever have imagined.  I'm ready to begin a new one!  Better yet, I'm ready to take a break before beginning a new one!  Life is so much more than this, yet for us...."this" is all consuming at times, more times than I'd like to admit.

For now, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other taking baby steps when necessary and allowing God to carry me when I'm unable to move.  

Job 5:15-17

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁵ He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
    he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
¹⁶ So the poor have hope,
    and injustice shuts its mouth.

¹⁷ “Blessed is the one whom God corrects;
    so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.