No Fund Me....But Please Support Me!

Interesting topic, right?  So, let me explain.  HUMILITY is hard!  Yes, that's right.  I said it.  HUMILITY is hard!  I see Go Fund Me accounts all the time and I feel compassion for most and then I feel this strange feeling of "Wow, how did they do that?"  It doesn't seem strange to me or weird in any way as the 'majority' of the one's I've read are quite legit and I've even supported some of them.  

However, I tried one of my own not so long ago and I can not say those feelings were positive in any way.  I felt embarrassed and wanted to go hide under a rock.  It was horrible for me.  And, I know that a huge part of that is all about learning the art of humility which I lack but none the less, I did not find comfort in reaching out for help.

All of that being said, I must share the most difficult part of my journey thus far.  I'm in dire need right now.  I'm in a bad place financially because we have FINALLY come to a place where we have legitimate grounds to take my ex to court on contempt charges.  Not only that, it is FINALLY time to bring in an ad litem on the kiddos behalf.  If you've been following my blog and our court cases, you know how HUGE this is at this time!  And, if you are just chiming in, you need only read through all the previous blogs to get an idea of how HUGE and pivotal this moment truly is at this time!  All things are beginning to come together for what I hope is good but the difficult part is that I'm all tapped out at this point and I have to come up with the enormous funding to make it all happen.

So, what that looks like for me is this....I would love to set up a Go Fund Me account and see it miraculously fill up to goal, but I simply cannot bring myself to doing it.  It's too hard!  Maybe that is growth left within me that is yet to be accomplished.  But, I would much rather EARN it!  I would much rather see folks support me in my business so that I can legitimately raise those funds!  I want to earn them honestly!  Is that such a foreign concept in our world today?  Sometimes it feels that way! 

My attorney has estimated at a bare minimum at least $4500 for this case to transpire.  And, we are already running full course ahead because it is a matter of my children's safety!  I am left having to simply trust the process and that all things will work out.  But, the funds must happen.  I have no choice in that matter. 

So, in sending up prayers what I would like to share with others is simply this:  support my business.  If that is not something you want for your personal life, share them with others.  But support my business.  I have a lot of funds that simply must be raised immediately and I need help.  I am "well enough" today to know that I am worthy of help yet still struggle with the humility of setting up a Go Fund Me account, so I'm asking for your support.  Ask your friends and family too if they may want to give our products a try for their personal journeys.  I know personally that we have products for EVERY person out there but not every person is ready.  I'm asking for your help in this area. 

I'd like to honestly raise the $4500 that will be necessary to see this case through.  That's a whole lot of Plexus but I believe it can be done and within the time frame that is necessary for our God is great!  So, please feel free to share my website with your friends and family and above all else please pray that God will help us to provide the necessary provisions to see this case through.  This is a huge moment in our lives that requires a lot of trust and faith in God.  So, friends I pray that you will pray with us during this time.  The most ultimate prayer would be that the truth will finally be revealed in court and that my 3 precious kiddos will be protected.  But, in addition to that I pray that the financial means to make it all happen will transpire as well.  Please pray with us during this time!  We have been praying for this moment for years and would hate to see that financial obstacles end up being the barrier for the results we have been so diligently praying for all of this time! 

Thank you in advance for your prayers and support.  Here is my website that you may use and/or share with others to help support us during this time:  www.shopmyplexus.com/lbarnes.  And, please know that I am here to answer questions and to be a support in anyone's journey at anytime!  This is not just a "purchase" in my book.  I want to see you succeed! 

The CEO of our company always says, "If you're blessed, be a blessing!"  Blessings to you all!  And, thank you for your continued support!

Matthew 7:7-12
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?

John 14:12-14

Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

Everyone is Fighting a Battle, So Be Kind....Always!

As most of you know this blog was originally created to share my journey of divorce and God's grace in that process. I am currently 6 years post divorce at this point. And, while I still must deal with constant struggles and battles the frequency has been reduced for which I am grateful. Life continues on whether the divorce battle is present or not and I have experienced a whole lot of life in the past couple of years. There have been many wonderful, absolutely amazing moments. And, there have been some horrific and tragic ones as well. Isn't it this way for many?

So, what is our true purpose here on earth? Are we here to run this American rat race that exists today going 90 to nothing trying to accomplish everything? Do we strive to be the best that we can be in our field of expertise to the extend that it takes away from our friends and family? Do we give unto our kiddos all of our time and energy to the point that we have nothing left for ourselves? What is our true purpose?

In this past year, I have been learning and growing in ways I never expected! After surviving a horrific tragedy, my life has changed in ways that may be hard to explain in words. But, much to other's most likely surprise it has been in good ways! I have learned that life is far more than accomplishing "my desires". Life is about living for God....period!

Let me say that again....life is about living for God....period! I have reached a place in which I want to slow down. And, by slowing down I don't mean just a little but tremendously. Is that possible for us....a single mom with 3 kiddos that love to participate in life? It's not easy. And, it may not happen in the way that I imagine but I know that this is what is on my heart. And, why you ask?

Because God wants more time with me and in my busy, busy life chasing down one thing after another I put Him on the back burner. That's not okay and it took a tragedy for me to see this behavior in it's fullness. God wants our relationship to be first in all things. He wants me to lean on Him 24/7, to share my life with Him, to listen to Him, to spend my time with Him. And, He is worthy of this time!

So, in preparation for next year, I have sat down with my kiddos and we are looking at what we can say NO too. And, saying no is perfectly okay. While cutting back may be a very gradual process, it is one that we are embracing as we have come to love the "family time" that it has brought into our lives. And, I have loved the one on one time with God that it has brought into my life!

I'm not quite 'healed' just yet. I'm still on that journey towards working through the tragedy but I will say that God has been a stronghold in this process and I am grateful for the path that I have taken. I have learned so much and look forward to what is ahead.

Healing is a process. And, a part of that is sharing our journey with another. I have only shared my journey with a select few but in doing so I begin to heal more and more. The more I share my story, the stronger I become. And, maybe just maybe if I ever reach a point of sharing my story with others that will help another person to grow and heal. After all, we are all relational people no matter where we are in this journey of life today.

May you each be blessed today and find the ability to slow down if only for a moment and enjoy all that is around you!

James 4:8
Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Thanksgiving Reflections

As Thanksgiving approaches this week, I wanted to share a little on the beauty of Thanksgiving reflections.  This past year has been full indeed and as I look back I am once again reminded of how God is always at work within our lives.

I stumbled across Plexus near the end of last year, not because of my desire to lose more weight since I had already achieved my first goal.  But, by inquiring to know what it was all about I was invited into a business opportunity that I just could not turn down.  Given the most bizarre of bizarre court cases that places me in a position of being "unable to work a tradition job" right now, this opportunity was all the more inviting.  Who knew then, that a whirlwind of God at work would transpire?!?....

Being an ambassador with Plexus, trying the products to be able to share my experience first hand with others was a must in my book.  And, what happened for me among many others things was a sudden desire and motivation to set new goals and to enter into the world of a gym with a personal trainer.  I was inspired by my love but that desire....that motivation....that energy, this was a result of Plexus.  

I was filled with gratitude upon finding a trainer with a generous heart....one that was willing to work with me on more than one level.  He sticks with me each week, encouraging me, motivating me, challenging me, and helping me to grow.

Near the first of this year an unwelcomed and tragic event took place in my life but I had no idea this would lead to yet more healing and growth in my personal life.  Fully supported by those closest to me and filled with their love and encouragement, I knew that seeking some guidance to walk through the healing process would be important.  Little did I know that this person set out to help in this journey was all a part of God's plan from the beginning.

For those that know and understand this statement....the name Daniel came back into to my life....in God's perfect timing, in His most perfect way.  But, here's the amazing part as I sit and reflect.

This person that became crucial to this process of growth and healing was known and available to me as a result of getting involved in the improvement of my health and seeking out a trainer, an event that transpired as a result of following my intuition and asking some questions to a friend from high school that kept posting about Plexus.  And, while mapped out on a blog this seems short lived....this was a series of events that took a year to transpire fully as I sit here today.

God is always at work and I have been blessed beyond belief by his grace and mercy.  As a result of seeking out this person to walk in this journey with me, I was blessed yet again in some other amazing ways that were so unexpected but also in God's perfect timing.  And, not only that....I have been growing in my walk with God, getting back into the word, and sharing this with another dear friend.

My friends, He is here.  He is everywhere and even in the midst of the most trying situations (much like the trials of this divorce journey that this blog focuses on) He is present.  And, while I do not always understand or feel His presence in every moment I know that He is with me and this gives me the strength to endure, persevere, and press forward.

As a single mom, it takes little to excite me these days.  And, my excitement is ever present right now as I type.  We live a very busy life.  While my kiddos do not have many extra curricular activities, they each have more than one.  Even one would be a lot.  But, I find that we are constantly on the go.  And, when I'm tired or sick or having a difficult day I simply move forward anyway.  But, this week....this week we shall stop!

I am so thankful for this opportunity and about as excited as a school-girl waiting on that call from the popular boy at school!  :)  But, as of Tuesday with one exception that day.....from Tuesday until Saturday we shall unplug.  We are not going anywhere at all.  We are letting go of schedules, routines, and the like.  There will be no school, no activities, no errands....nothing...nada.  And, I can not tell you how exciting this is to me right now!  I am hoping to find rest....true rest and relaxation!  

So, as our day of thanks approaches, I want to say that I am thankful for all of my friends and family that have supported me through it all, encouraged me, prayed for me and with me, and continue to be there to see me through all of life.  My hope is that you will find gratitude in your lives as well and are able to see how God is working for you, in you, and through you.  May you each be blessed this week and throughout the season!

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hebrews 12:28-29  
²⁸ Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, ²⁹ for our “God is a consuming fire.”

When Hope Seems Lost....

I'm looking at my last blog entry and it's hard to believe it's been nearly a year.  Where has the time gone?  In some ways this year has flown by and in others it has been the snail pace.

It pains me to say we are still in a holding pattern!  After all this time, all this pain, all the kiddos continued sufferings....we are still in holding just waiting for the right time and the right circumstances.  It doesn't seem fair to say the least.

Why should they have to continue suffering in the midst of chaos simply because our system is so warped and broken?  I do not understand this at all!

And, yet I'm reminded of this passage in 1 Peter 1:7 that says, "These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold.  So if you faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."

I admit that I felt a little bit of hope dissipate today with some news I received and I had to sit with it for a while before I could even move forward.  But, somewhere deep down I still feel that things will work out in time.  I hate to ponder that the time will last much longer.  It seems that it has been far too long even now but I know that God is in control and He has a plan.  I have to remind myself to trust in this process.

So, for now I ask for your prayers dear friends.  Pray for that truth to be revealed and for protection to reign over us all as we trust in Him.  

2 Corinthians 1:3-7  All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.  So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation!  For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement for you.  Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer.  We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.

When I Had It All, I Was Poor....When I Lost It All, I Gained Everything!

Here we are at the end of yet another year and I have to say, this year has been full in many ways.  I've learned a lot.  I've grown a lot.  I've hurt a lot.  And, I've received gifts that were beyond my wildest dreams.  And, as I prepare for what I am determined will be the greatest year yet, here are a few reflections I thought I'd share with you.

Back in that miserable existence I called marriage, I lived in what some would call the life of luxury.  The ex made substantial funds but my lifestyle never reflected it.  One reason is because I simply struggle to do anything for me.  I'm aware of this but that didn't change the reality.  I simply would not buy things for myself.  I would provide for my kiddos without hesitation but even that was done in moderation.

After the divorce, I witnessed the most intense greed one could fathom.  It has never been about the inability to provide for kiddos, but the absolute refusal.  It has amazed me beyond measure to see the lengths that have been achieved to ensure these kiddos continue to receive less and less.  And, because of the most bizarre circumstances of this outrageous case many of you know that working a traditional job is not within reach right now.  

So, where does that leave us?....Living within our means and living with faith!  It has not been an easy journey.  In fact, it's a constant struggle to try and achieve necessities each month.  But, God always provides.  And, then he WOWS me with miracles just to remind me that He's here with me all the time!  For example, this year my kiddos were adopted so to say for Christmas and Santa did very well!  Not only that, he somehow "knew" exactly what to bring.  Don't tell me miracles do not exist!  They DO!!!

I have to say though that when things began being taken away one by one, jaw drop after jaw drop, I began to gain more and more.  I have learned more and more about faith and how to truly live in it!  I have learned more about pride and humility and those are such tough ones!  I've painfully learned that others are going to continue to cross my path that will not understand and will cast judgment and somehow I will be okay.  But, most importantly I have learned that life is simply not about all those "things".  Relationships with others....now there's something that is important.  And, having lost so much in a monetary sense, I have gained everything by being exposed to those relationships that are true and valuable.  And, I am RICH!

I am blessed by those that love me and my kiddos.  I am blessed by a church family that encourages and supports me.  I am blessed by a fairy tale love story that came into my life at the most amazing and perfect time!  And, I am looking forward to a New Year!  While things continue to be in a period of "wait" in terms of this case, I continue to move forward excited about what lies ahead.  I am determined that this will be the best year yet!

Thank you to all those that continue to love and support me on this journey.  May you each be blessed in this new year.

God is Good....All the Time.  All the Time....God is Good!

Second Chances....The Fairy Tale Type Love Story!

Some Dreams Do Come True....First and foremost, if you haven't already read the blog post "Follow Your Heart" from October 14, 2012....STOP right here and do that first.

SERIOUSLY....You'll want to read that before proceeding.  :)

Alright, if you've read that post....proceed with caution as you might not want to drink anything while perusing this entry, especially if you're the spit your drink out all over the computer when something is funny type.  This is a story that brings about a bit of, well....humor for some at certain points.

The blog entry "Follow Your Heart" is one that continuously comes up for me time and time again.  It has done so more times than I can count over the years.  When it comes up, there is this feeling inside that tells me to just go and talk to him.  But, the timing has never been right.  Obviously, the appropriateness of such a conversation would not have been okay during times that either one of us were married.  That was a given so why then did it keep coming up over and over and over again?  Well, obviously I've been divorced for some time now and I had no idea where he was in his life anymore.  But, this voice continued to pursue....and it got louder and louder.

This past Sunday, that voice started screaming at me again.  I knew I had to do something.  On Monday, I discovered that he was no longer married.  And, on Tuesday something came over me that I can not fully explain.  I'm not a spontaneous type person at all.  In fact, I have to plan out my spontaneity if that gives you any idea.  But, Tuesday was very different.  That voice would not cease.  And, I had this huge debate going on in my head....the whole go vs. stay debate.  And, there were reasons for both though the ones to go far outweighed the latter.    One of the biggest reservations revolved around my uncertainty that he was even living in the same location anymore since all of his other information had changed and since I had sent him mail over the years and received no response.  But, the ultimate decision was made and off I went, vulnerability and all.

The five hour drive gave plenty of time for thought and plenty of time for nerves to come into 
play but to my own surprise, I remained very calm.  There was this overwhelming sense that this was right.  The timing was right.  And, no matter the outcome it needed to be done at this point.  My fears that I could not locate him or that he would be out of town or unwilling to talk were the only things getting in my way. 

And, so it came to be that I was at his last known address.  Interestingly, there was someone I caught a glimpse of in the back yard that ran into the house when I pulled up.  It was not him.  The car in the drive was not his and I was a little nervous at that point.  No one answered the door.  I banged....the dog barked, but no one would answer.  Could this really be happening?  Was he there, looking through the peep hole and saying, "Oh no...no way."  Or was this a new person's home now?

What transpired after this is way out of character for me.  I left a note on the door.  I flagged down a neighbor to see if they knew whether or not he was still there.  She knew him but had not seen in some time so she could not say for certain.  I went to another neighbor's house and they had literally just moved in that day.  And, so I sat in my van a little let down but determined not to give up.  I had already tried several ways of trying to verify his location prior to this trip to no avail but in that moment in the van, I became thankful for facebook and the many connections it grants in my life today.

I reached out to some cop friends in that area to see if they could assist.  Unfortunately, the timing did not work out as they were unavailable to do so at that hour.  So, I decided to start my journey to some friends that had opened their home for me this evening.  In route to their house, I saw a cop and decided to pull him over!

YES!!!  You read that right....I pulled him over!  Who is this girl?....:)  I told him that I drove 5 hours today to meet this friend and was not sure he still lived in the same location and asked if he could verify his current address.

Of course he was a little hesitant at first.  I received many standard questions like, "Is this a domestic issue?  Is he an ex?  Does he owe you money?"  No, no, no....and at first I gave him nothing more than we were friends and had been out of touch for years.  He could only do so much because it was not even his jurisdiction.  And, what he could find was no more than what I already knew.  Anything beyond that would require court orders.  

My heart was sinking and this cop asked me what the visit was about.  The one word that popped out of my mouth before I even realized it was, "LOVE".  One sentence followed that word and this cop looked at me....a look that said it all, smiled, and quickly said...."Hang on."  He wanted this to happen!

He got on the phone with his "friends" in the other jurisdiction.  Because they were unable to verify anything further, they went out to this last known address.  They banged on the door and received no response.  They ran the tag of that car in the drive and discovered it was a relative.  But, what did that mean?  We still were not 100% sure.

This cop went the extra mile to help and we thought this was the end of the road but as I was about to drive away, he pulled me over to say they went out again and found him.  HE'S THERE!!!  And, he has your information now.  I was a little baffled at this point because this cop that so desperately wanted to help me follow this dream was not sure if he was willing to talk to me or not.  And, so I drove away....heading to my friend's home and wandering if this was the end of the road.

Not two seconds down the road, my phone rang.  And, there he was!!!  Of course, he thought I was dying since the cops had come beat on his door to track him down for me but as it turns out....the three letters I had sent him over the course of these years we've been out of touch were never received.  He thought it was me that dropped off the face of the earth.  WOW!

The following day was filled with some catch up and that moment of realizm when I shared my heart with him and the struggle I battled on my wedding day.  The words that followed my sharing could not have been any more amazing.  It was mutual.  Yes.................What could be greater to hear in this moment than those precious words.  It was mutual!

We pretty much picked up where we left off all those years ago and will likely laugh about the cops and that whole story from here on.  The cop that helped me, turned the tables and tracked me down later to ask how things went because of his own curiosity.  All the cops that were involved in that process were quite happy and are likely sharing this story amongst others themselves.

This is the kind of story I've only read about before and it's happening in reality.  What a blessing and a gift.  It follows up on that lesson I learned so long ago....follow your heart.  I did it this time....I listened.  And, though "something" took over me that gave me a boldness I can not explain I am grateful because the outcome was worth every step.  Whatever the future may hold does not take away from the growth that resulted in this process.  Thank you, Lord!  And, thank you to the cop with a heart and those that joined in to make this possible. 
 
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight.

Father's Day Reflections

I found it interesting that my last post was on Mother's Day but today brought about some emotions that were more than overwhelming and thus a reflection has most certainly followed.  First and foremost, the day was challenging.  I spent time today watching and reading all of the facebook posts wishing father's a happy day and viewing pictures of childhood memories with father's and I felt a sadness come over me.  

I am blessed with a wonderful step-father that I love dearly.  He's funny.  He loves me as his own.  He's just as sarcastic as me, maybe even more so....actually I'm quite certain it's more so and he'd give the shirt off his back if need be to help anyone.  But, I felt this surge of sadness for missing out on what it must be like to have a "father" growing up.  I had one physically present but anyone that knows my story understands the meanings behind that phrase.  There's a part of me that feels like I missed out and those feelings don't come around often.  For the most part, I'm okay with my experience today but there are those occasional moments that sting.

This moment was brought about more so for the fact that I see history repeating itself than for the sting it singed upon me.  I watch my own kiddos and the path that they are enduring in this respect and my heart aches for them.  I know the truth.  I see the truth.  And, I feel their pain within those truths.

Their return home today brought about the most overwhelming emotion though as they shared the story of how my youngest nearly drowned.  He was rescued not by those that should have been watching him and caring for him but by a stranger, an angel that pulled him out from under the water and placed him back in a safe area at which point my oldest continues the rescue by dragging him back to the bank.  This makes not once, not twice, but three times now that situations have led to circumstances in which he could have easily been gone forever.

It's moments like this that I would not wish upon anyone.  It's moment like this that cause the world to stop while I simply love and hug the ones I hold most dear.  And, it's moments like this that I continue to find such extreme frustration in our system as this will not in the least be something that they will blink twice about because 'no harm came'.  

It's moments like this that I thank my Heavenly Father for watching over me and my kiddos, for loving us and protecting us especially when I can not be present.  Thank you for keeping my kiddos safe.  Thank you for sending your angels to surround them.  Thank you for loving me when I'm so unworthy.  You are the most amazing Father anyone could ever have and I'm forever grateful for your love and mercy.

Love the ones you're with....wrap your arms around them and hold them dear.

2 Samuel 24:14

David said to Gad, “I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into human hands.”

A Mother's Reflections

Sometimes in the midst of life and the constant battles that come with our situation, the important things get lost, overlooked, and forgotten.  The important things such as why the battle is even being fought in the first place.  Yes, I did say that because when it becomes your way of life, the "obvious" reasons are sometimes so far on the back burner in my broken human existence that I simply forget....until I'm so gently reminded.  One may ask how I could possibly forget such but what I mean is more basic, simple than the complex answers.  Let me explain.

I get tired....a lot.  I get tired of the constant cloud of this trial, this judge, this financial hardship, this order, etc. that I simply want to give up.  I get tired of those that do not fully understand nor want to understand and therefore cast judgment upon us.  I want to change our identities are run far, far away to escape.  I want to sprout wings and fly up to heaven to get relief.  I want us out!  It's not that I forget the battle is to protect the innocent....but I forget the simple reasons.  

On days like today I am gently reminded that the whole purpose behind this battle is LOVE.  It is a Mother's Love and that is one that is strong beyond measure.  For when I look into the eyes of my children, I see so much.  I am blessed beyond measure and I learn what I should be teaching.  Today I received the most precious gifts.  Let's face it, a 7, 5, and 4 year old by nature fall into roles of selfishness.  But, not these little gifts.  Today, I receive these special gifts hand crafted by three glorious angels.  I am gifted by two heart balloons that were decorated with messages that say, "I love you, Mom," and "Glad your in my heart...." two balloons that just yesterday these kiddos received as treats from a fun fair day.  I received hand made cards with sweet messages of love.  I received from the pocket of a 4 year old, a bright, shiny penny that was just found with pure excitement only moments earlier.  I received all of these things with pure selflessness....with pure joy and excitement given from their giving hearts and acts of service because they "love me so much," and they want my day to be special.  I got to overhear their early morning whispers as they worked hard to create these just for me.

And, this is where my strength comes from....this and God.  When I am tired beyond all belief, I look into their eyes and my strength is renewed.  No matter how much I want to quit, I simply can not because I WANT to do everything within my power for them.  I want to fight for them just as my Father fights for me.  He died for me....died, to save me.  And, I would do anything for my own.  My strength comes from God but God sends it through them.  This is something I imagine any parent understands.  

Their selfless acts remind me of what's important.  As we struggle with life within this battle, we've faced many hardships.  One of the big ones is the financial hardship of it all for let's face it....attorney's make a killing!  And, if you tally their fees per month it is by pure acts of God that those alone have been covered.  As I continue to sell off our belongings to survive at times, I'm reminded today of the big picture.  It doesn't matter that we do not have dressers, a "real" dinner table, mattresses that fit our sheets, or even end tables for our 'stuff'.  Did you catch that?....End tables for our 'stuff'....yes, we still have 'stuff' in the midst of it all.  And, we have a roof over our head.  Though we have have a tub that is 30 plus years old and plumbing just the same, we do have the ability to get clean....in our own home.  And, though we eat on a card table that shakes and wobbles at times with squeaky chairs that drive this Momma batty, we always have food upon it for each and every meal.  Our tempermental oven gets the job done.  And, our dryer which takes two hours per load is faster than the outside line or the hassles of a laundry mat.  I may be embarrassed of our chaos which exists more so than not....a HUGE change since having kids as it has totally changed my OCD nature that formally existed when everything had a place but I smile at the toys strewn upon the house because they are toys that my kiddos are able to enjoy and you are welcome in our chaos no matter how embarrassed I may be because it is love that is important, and not the lack of my alphabetized pantry.

Oh the things my children teach me.  And, the lessons are so big especially for their being so small.  My Father fights for me just the same.  He simply wants me to love Him and to spend all of my time and focus on him.  He wants me to give to Him what I have with pure joy, no matter how small it may seem....but to give my all and to do so without hesitation.  What a joyous and needed reminder when I get wrapped up in the complexities of this ongoing battle.  My children's joy is important.  They need my love!  And, love is enough.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's out there!

Deuteronomy 10:12

[ Fear the Lord ] And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

Inquiring Minds Wanna Know....

The big question:  Whatever happened?  Well, here we go.  God's grace and mercy is part of what happened.  And, the result is I was able to make a payment towards the inevitable.  Things remained quiet.  And, later that week we discovered the why.  My ex is no longer represented.  And, though we have our suspicions we may never know the "why's" behind his being let go.  But, this will mean that if he finds another one, that will be his 5th attorney in less than 4 years.

I can not explain accurately enough the level of relief that this news brought me.  I don't know why but it was as if I exhaled for the first time in nearly 4 years.  And, it felt good.  In the big picture, it means nothing more at this point than we are in limbo but it's still a nice feeling not having a pending case hanging over my head.

Meanwhile, there are still other things going on.   Some of those things are "in limbo" as well but it still remains hopeful that the truth is about to be revealed.  I am hoping, praying, and waiting.

During the wait, I continue to press forward.  Baseball season is amongst us for the first time and let me just tell you:  You don't know busy until you know 'baseball busy'.  Wow!  Talk about a lot all of the sudden.  We have been thoroughly enjoying it but it makes for tired kiddos and a tired Momma. 

The business is still moving forward and although we remain at a snail's pace for before mentioned reasons, prayers are bringing about some potentially huge changes in that department in the near future.  This is another opportunity on my end to practice faith when listening to those answers from God.  Please pray that those answers will be revealed soon and that I will have the faith to pursue them accordingly.

Our school year is coming to an end and graduations, dance recitals, and the close of ball seasons are quickly approaching.  I may not know what to do when summer finally hits!  In it all, we are still trying to adapt to the changes that this business has brought into our lives.  We are trying to cope with the change of time we spend and the ways we spend time together.  It has been a big adjustment for all.  But, God is in it!  And, I can see it in many ways.

With all of this including my ex's current lack of representation it has not stopped him in any way from his demanding, demeaning, belligerent ways with me.  In fact, he came real close to showing himself today in front of a crowd of peeps at the ballgame.  It wasn't until he realized that he was in fact being watched that he caught himself and played it Mr. Joe Cool.  One day, this will end.  I am sure of it.  I just hope and pray that it is a forced ending from authority long before my youngest is of legal age.  I am so tired of 'having to endure it.'

The past month though has been welcomed with a relief that was much needed though and I know a large part of that comes from all of the many prayers from my warriors and God!  I welcome this relief!  I cherish it!  And, I have been able to focus on other things as a result.

Please continue to pray for my kiddos.  Pray that truth will indeed be revealed soon.  Pray for the guidance of my business and it's success.  And, pray for my strength in it all.

Thanks for being with me on this journey.

Numbers 14:17 
 “Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared.

That Pesky Carrot....

I'm sure you've all seen the cartoon captions of the carrot dangling on a stick right in front giving that glimmer of hope, right?  Yet, no matter how many steps forward you take or how fast you go, how much you persevere....that carrot remains unreachable.  A false hope maybe?  This is kind of how I feel.

We're drawing near the 4th year here.  Four years of constant court battles that never seem to end.  Four years of the most bizarre of bizarre circumstances unfolding before my eyes.  Four years of the ever so slight glimmers of hope that the truth is about to be revealed and that things will somehow change.  But, nothing yet.

My heart has been quite heavy this week.  The big deadline for our previous court order is Sunday....a mere 4 days from now.  I am devastated for the initial ruling of being found in contempt for following the order as it was dictated by a Judge.  I found it even more devastating that my ex would have been awarded attorney's fees considering the circumstances.  But, most devastating of all would be that those awards were made without a just trail to present the obvious which again....goes unheard by the lovely system we call 'justice'.  

The past two plus months of my life have been filled with work, work, and more work.  The path has been made difficult due to a myriad of circumstances that would prevent 'traditional' work at present.  That being said, I have been through extensive training for a business I can conduct that would allow me to continue protecting my kiddos from further and unnecessary difficulties.  But, this new business does not come easy.  It is complicated by the fact that there are no funds on the front end to help promote and advertise it so in short....it is slow going right now.

It has impacted our family in some big ways.  The kids feel the change and although the eldest can verbalize the reason we are doing these new things, they are not at an age of understanding the whys.  But, they know that my time with them is different and my focus is different and that is not an easy pill to swallow.  When they go to bed in the evenings, I continue to hit it hard with more steps to help get things rolling and I spend countless hours doing so which leads to one tired Momma....and any single parent out there surely understands the depths of that statement.

But, that statement is rather powerful for me right now.  I AM tired, very tired.  I'm trying very hard to hold on for that miracle but it's not easy.  I've heard throughout my life from various people that I am strong and if I can give myself credit for anything, this would be it but I gotta be honest in saying that right now, I just do not feel it.  In fact, I feel weak for even "feeling" weak if that makes sense.  And, I feel like I'm letting down all of those that tell me I am strong.

I had a rather humbling experience this past week that I'm still struggling to accept.  It was a spur of the moment outreach that occurred and it was extremely difficult on my end.  The plus is that it allowed me the opportunity to get real with some folks that are filled with an amazing love.  And, from my end....that was long overdue.  But, it didn't come without discomfort or without an element of judgment that I'm still trying to process.  I'd like to think that the overall result is a positive one that lead or will lead to open doors and a different level of relationships.  I admit I have been more than hesitant based on my previous experience but it's time to move forward right?

The bottom line right now is that come tomorrow morning, I have to put "something" in the mail to my ex.  I am in a scary place.  And, I have no idea how any of this is going to play out.  But, I have to continue leaning on God.  I have to trust Him through all of my fears, my anger, my heartache, my discouragement, and my fatigue.  He is the only solid rock!  And, I will try to hang on to this powerful passage:

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

At the Hands of His Abuse

Can this really be happening?  There are two big things going on right now.  One is that I can see answered prayers on the horizon.  They do not appear to be coming in quite the way I as a sinful human had envisioned them but they are coming none the less.  The outcome of those answered prayers, well.....STAY TUNED!  I kind of hit on this briefly in the previous post and it's just a matter of time.

Meanwhile, I still have to endure.  What has transpired this past week is belittling, demanding, degrading, relentless, abusive, mayhem from the ex.  I am not at liberty to lose control which honestly is what I would love to do right now.  No, instead I must continue to bite my tongue and accept it for what it is AND oblige for the time being.  To say it's degrading is probably an understatement.  It sent me into a tailspin of tears that shocked myself.  I'm just so tired of it all....so very, very tired.

I do not feel very Christian like right now because I want to just let him have a piece of my mind for what it's worth.  But, I can not.  I want to just give up.  But, I can not.  I want to just run away.  But, I can not.  I should be reaching out and I find that hard.  I should be relying on others and I find that even more difficult.  For who am I to have moments of weakness?  Who am I to break down and just lose it?  I've held it together for the past how many years now?  I'm supposed to be the strong one, right?  I know how crazy that sounds but really....there's a message somewhere within that says I can not or do not have the right to break down.

This week's combination of events have led me to feeling extremely overwhelmed.  I'm outta my comfort zone and I do not like it at all.  I'm feeling the fears among so many other emotions and it's just a lot.  And, as I try and focus on a Bible study that I am participating in, I am finding it hard to just allow my heart and my mind to be still.  So, I am doing what I struggle to do and that is to allow that vulnerability to come out again.  Here I am in all my genuineness.  Faith is a journey, not a destination and sometimes it's difficult.

For all of my prayer warriors, I need you right now.  I need an unspoken miracle before Friday.  And, I have no idea what is about to unfold in light of the things I have discovered but I know it's big.  Please pray for my strength right now because I feel so weak.  Please pray for continued direction to the right path where the pieces of the puzzle will begin falling into place.  Please pray for peace and protection and healing.  Thank you for being you!

I saw the following posted on a FB friend's wall today and it spoke to me in a huge way.
 
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
 

Be Careful What You Pray For....And, that Pivotal Moment I Wanted to Give Up

Have you ever heard that phrase?....I certainly have, many times over the course of my life.  And, a part of me kind of chuckles but that's just due to my own belief system.  There is much to be said about prayer and some of those things are debates about whether or not there is a right or wrong way to pray, whether prays are pure or selfish, whether prayers should follow a specific guideline, and the list can go on.  Many believe that praying for God's will is the best way to pray and while I will not argue this point, I also believe that it is okay to pray for what is in our hearts.  I mean, after all, God already knows this anyway.

I also hold to the belief that God's will is going to happen regardless of how I pray.  Prayers are not always answered in the ways we may hope or in the ways we envision, but the end result is that they are answered according to God's will.  Some of those prayers are unfolding right now.

This has been a long, emotional journey thus far and for those of you that have been with me every step of the way you understand how powerful that statement is and the depths of meaning that it holds.  You understand because you have seen up close and personal a series of injustices playing out one right after another, a series of laws overlooked, motions and rulings overlooked, Judges gone mad, attorney's jaw's hitting the floor, and the culprit behind it all getting away with just about anything one can imagine within the process.

I had just about reached my bottom after this last hearing.  And, who knows....maybe it was my bottom.  I certainly hope so at this point.  But, in light of the discoveries we made within the hearing it was more than abundantly clear that the ex was in contempt.  And, yet when it was addressed with his attorney due to the clever wording of the response, once again there is nothing that we can do at this point.  He walks away scott free....again!

I wanted to just cave.  How?....How can this continue to be the case time and time again?  With the combination of this news, the outcome of the hearing, and the unspoken I wrote about not too long ago I was ready to pack it in and just throw my hands up in the air.  My emotions were bottoming out.  My tears have been so abundant in the past few months, that there were not any more to release.  It was a pivotal moment for me....having held on to faith for so long, having prayed for so long, having endured for so long and attempting to do so with grace, and here I was ready to give up. 

And, that's when it happened.  I received some news in regards the unspoken that completely changed so many, many things.  It was an answered prayer.  It was a specific prayer that I had been praying for quite some time and the answer was received.  It lightened my heart.  And, while there are still many prayers in regards to this unspoken, this is a beginning that holds promise and has meaning that I can not put into words right now.  (Imagine that!)

But, it didn't end there.  In regards to the ex and the above mentioned response, some documents had to be released by him to me.  Within those documents, I discovered something HUGE.  Unfortunately, I have to leave it there at this moment.  But, HUGE is the key word here.  For now, I can say this....prayers are not always answered in the ways that we hope.  This discovery is not one that will walk it's way into family courts.  It's bigger than that!  And, the result has the potential to completely change the course of our lives in some very big ways.  That does not come without fear.  But, it also answers some long prayed for requests even if done so in ways that we did not envision.

Just when I was ready to pack it in, God showed Himself in ways that spoke volumes.  In that pivotal moment, reminders of God's presence were revealed.  Don't give up before the miracle....another phrase I've heard many times over the course of my life.  And, I stand here living it as we speak.  I have some renewed strength in these moments and strengthened faith as I press forward into what awaits around the corner.  And, my prayers continue.  I welcome yours as well.

1 Samuel 1:15-17

¹⁵ “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. ¹⁶ Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
¹⁷ Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

Get Your Peanuts, Popcorn....

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls....Step right up.  Today was yet another court day and it was very similar to a three ring circus.  And, for what reason?  This was supposed to be a hearing over child support.  One would think that's pretty cut and dry, right?  Has anything in this case been cut and dry?  I think not!  What on earth made me think this would be any different.

It was a new moment for us because we have yet another new Judge.  But, that didn't come without new fears and wondering which way this hearing would pan out.  It started out fairly even kill.  And, then it happened....the jabs, the punches, the devious acts to sneak in any and every past event that has transpired via the other parties "interpretation" all for the listening pleasure of this new Judge.  How it was even allowed to transpire is beyond me but none the less, every jab that the AR courts frown upon was taken in the efforts to make me look bad on the front end.

The result is that it opened up a huge can of worms that I can easily foresee becoming a new motion in the not so distant future....one that clearly already is accompanied by a bias within this courtroom.  But, let's not go there for right now.

Today's end result was a partial win on our parts.  The ex successfully takes more and more away from these kiddos through his voluntary actions.  It saddens me.  It sickens me.  It infuriates me.  And, he smiles. 

The partial win is the fact that it will not be enforced for another 6 months.  That gives us a little bit of a window to get things rolling in my new business and hopefully generate enough to compensate the difference.  The bad news is that due to the order of the last hearing and today's events in addition, I have to come up with some pretty significant funds by the end of March or face the wrath of the court rooms yet again.  In my mind, it seems impossible.  I'm hoping for a miracle and trying to hang on to faith.

I walked away watching my attorney smile in disbelief that we actually got that much considering how things have historically played out in our cases.  And, for me....I didn't experience the "joy" that should accompany a win.  I actually experienced more anger having discovered more of his actions that are clear violations and contempt charges that went unnoticed in this process and question if he will ever be called out on these things within the courts.  How does he consistently get away with so much?  It baffles me.  It floors me.  And, I am so tired!

Shortly after court today a new discovery was made.  And, it's one of those discoveries that could be significant yet given the history and track record has the potential to be overlooked just like everything else.  My prayers are that this will be significant enough to open the eyes of this new Judge.  

In the meantime, I will continue putting one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes, that is all I can do.  And, sometimes....that is enough.




Ezekiel 20:36

As I judged your ancestors in the wilderness of the land of Egypt, so I will judge you, declares the Sovereign Lord.

 

(Even if justice is NEVER served here on earth....each person must one day face the only real "Judge".)

Approaching the Other Side

It's been a while now, but I have slowly been walking through the trial step by step.  And, once again much has been learned through this process.  I've learned more about me, but better than that....I've learned more about my relationship and communication style with God.  The past couple of months have had me in a nearly constant conversation with God....something that I strive for as a Christian and fail at miserably until facing pain.  But, through this experience I've also learned more about listening to God....a concept that still baffles me on many levels if it's not presented in the burning bush sort of style.

Through friends and supporters that have lent an ear, all the messages were consistent yet they interfered with God's message and with what had been laid upon my heart.  That's a tough place to be in when coming from a place of having been taught that God's messages can come through others.  How do you know?  

A big lesson of trust is what transpired.  Trusting in God and trusting in myself....and doing so when no one else agrees....wow.  The messages I have received from God have all been validated thus far but it meant me having to sit with and walk through the pain.  The messages continue and the trust must as well.  I can not say that it's an easy path by any stretch but I've learned a great deal about that inner voice too.

This path still continues and while I do not know how it will unfold, I do know that for today I am to simply trust.  I continue to communicate, to listen, and to "try" and have the patience to see the results.  The experience did result in my reaching outside of my comfort zone and trusting other people.  And, I survived and so did they.  :)

And, strangely....some of the lessons learned within this process correlate to my upcoming court trails.  They are fast approaching and have the potential to completely change our lives.  But, that inner voice has been screaming here recently about some things related to the case which I now have to voice aloud to my attorney.  I have no idea where that will lead us but listening to that voice and taking action is growth none the less.  

Please continue to join me in prayers for those precious little ones, for this case, and for what is currently left as an unspoken.

Proverbs 3:5-6
 
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.
 

The Last Post of the Year

This year is fast approaching it's final hours and I am in no way sad about that in any capacity.  This has been a difficult year and this holiday season has been extreme, maybe the hardest I've ever experienced on some levels.  And, right now that remains heavy on my heart.

It was certainly a different Christmas this year not having those precious little ones around.  And, if that wasn't enough for one day a nice, unexpected trip to the ER came to be just to make life interesting.  By the time I was released, the ground was completely covered with tons of snow and I had no other option but to attempt driving it after having experienced the morphine haze just an hour or so before.  The ten minute drive home took 2 hours but I made it, after several re-routes.  And, luckily I returned to a home with power in a time when most were without.

This is the time that I typically write out all those new resolutions....one's that I typically fulfill with success.  But, not this year.  This year is by far very different.  Making resolutions is the last thing on my mind or in my heart.  Survival is more fitting right now.  Certain questions have come to mind for me recently within this season of trials.

I feel weak during this time and each day is an accomplishment in and of itself.  It's a place I do not like in the least but in this process I have discovered (or maybe re-discovered) an area of life that is a struggle....leaning on others.  I am so used to pushing forward, standing strong, however you want to view it that I simply do not stop for me.  The downfall to this method is that eventually, life will hit in such a way that a minor event can make a huge impact.  Such is the case for me this season.  (Or maybe I'm just down-playing the event....none the less....)

But, how do you stop and lean?  How do you allow others to help carry you when your strength is gone?  How do you let others build you back up?  It's not always easy and for some, it's downright difficult.  Yes, I try to lean on God.  But, God also made us relational people and we are supposed to trust in one another and help others when needed.  It's difficult to be vulnerable.  The writing of this entry is quite vulnerable and one that may not be easy to push the final "publish" button at the very end but it's still 'safer' than that face to face relational method.  This is my struggle.

And, maybe this will end up being one of my resolutions....striving to lean more on those that are a part of my life.  But, for now I know that I'm still in a time of struggle....a time when it feels that all strength is gone....a time when making it through the day or even the next hour is huge and I do not like this place nor do most people enjoy seeing others in this place.  I guess that is a part of the struggle right there....feeling as though others should not have to be burdened by my own struggles.  

I know I am blessed by many great folks in my life.  It's up to me to allow them to be a part of "all" my life and not just the good.  Easy said....  This blog was in part a way of allowing others to be a part of my faith journey but it also keeps me from having to voice it which is an important part of the journey too.  This is my extremely vulnerable, last post of the year.  My hopes are that I will grow in this area in the upcoming year and allow others to be more of a part of "every" aspect of my life.  My hopes are that I will allow others to help carry me when it is needed, to lean when necessary, and to know that it is okay.

Until then, I know today is an exceptionally hard day.  I pray that is not the case for you.  May you be blessed with a wonderful and Happy New Year!  Stay Safe!

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Grief Magnifies

I write today with a heart filled with grief.  Things have changed yet again.  There are now two pending motions before the courts.  This is not necessarily a negative thing as it means we at least have opportunity to bring up the outrageous motion before the courts and as a second plus, to do so in front of a new Judge.  The down side of this is that it did not sit well with the other party and retaliation upon the innocent was the result.  That breaks my heart!  It is not right.  It is not just.  It is not fair.  And, I have no way of preventing it as a result of everything that has transpired.

That being said, the new preparations for the new motions begin....here we are again.  And, to say that there are fears involved in the outcome of this one would be a huge understatement as this outcome could completely change our entire world in the blink of an eye.  The fears of how we will take the next steps are ever present and we aren't even there at this point.  The outcome is unknown but those fears exist.  And, while I have tried to prepare for this moment over the course of the past year, I have been met with one closed door after another each and every time.

My heart is heavily burdened right now and this in only one area.  But, my experience is that because of the burdens I am currently experiencing, the grief of this seems so much greater.  Loss is a hard concept, no matter what the loss may be and when you couple it with this time of year and other stressors it's just hard.  I have witnessed so many people lately that are also struggling with grief of some kind and it seems that many are struggling during this season.  My heart goes out to them as well.  Not only that, but we as a nation experienced a recent swarm of grief by the actions that took place to such precious, innocent lives.

I'm not sure that I really have any words of wisdom at this point.  I'm not in the place to even attempt.  But, I do know that I have turned to God on all of the matters.  This is all that I know to do sometimes.  I know that I feel weak to my very core and it's uncomfortable at best.  I know that God's in control but that does not remove the pain.  I know I have to walk through it but stumbling and crawling are methods that seem to make it all the worse.  I know this is not forever, but right now it's intense.  I imagine that for me personally, it was long overdue.  I know that I try so hard to remain so strong that I sometimes forget I'm human.  And, at some point, those emotions simply take over and I have to go through the process.

This has proven to be a very difficult holiday season.  And, we're not quite through it yet.  But, this is all a part of the being genuine aspect of this blog.  If I simply skip over this portion and wait until the next event, then I am not being real.  There are portions of our faith journey's that are far more difficult than we'd like to admit.  And, here I am!  And, I will continue to pray, to seek His guidance, and to breathe as sometimes in these moments that is all that I can do.

May your holiday be filled with joy and most importantly Christ!  Blessings to all!

Psalm 31:9
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.

Psalm 88:9
My eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.

Psalm 35:14
I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother.

Miracles

It's been an entire month since my last post....wow!  Time flies, especially this time of year.  And, many things have happened in the past month.  So, here's a little update on the court stuff:  The huge, astronomical, overwhelming amount that the ex is proposing I pay?....The amount that should have to go before the courts with a trial to get a ruling?....Well, that's not going to happen!  In light of yet another move made by the opposing, some wording and such of the legal matters were thrown around and it is now up to 'Sir Judge Hates Me Much' to simply make her own ruling by filling in the blank on the $$$ slot and signing it to make it official.  No pressure there, eh?  I continue to sit back waiting and praying that the Lord will shine down in this process.  This Judge will no longer be here at the end of this year.  Maybe just maybe, this can and will wait for a new Judge if that is the best thing.  The news of something of this nature is not something I'm sure I really want this time of year.

And, in light of this bit of information, it is most definite at this point that the new motion made by opposing will not be heard until next year with a new Judge.  Thank you to all my mighty prayer warriors on this aspect alone.  I trust that this was the best route!  And, I continue to trust that good things will come in the days ahead.

Today is the first day of Advent and I had the privilege to hear about miracles and the need for them today.  I thought it only fitting to share some of the miracles that have been occurring in my life here recently and the ones I continue to pray about each day.

Last month we had our first major "home repair" of sorts to deal with as the main sewer line became blocked.  That there is messy business!  Bleck!  The back-up that occurred within our home was not the worst issue per say as the home owner's only covers the actual 'unblocking of the pipe' so long as the pipe is above ground level, which ours was not and in addition to this, we had a broken pipe.  Where you might ask?  It was beneath the porch....of concrete.  Oh yes!  In addition to this we needed brakes, almost immediately.  These were two major events that could not be ignored for obvious reasons and when you couple it with everyday life even without the court related stuff....well, we've all been there right?

But, miracles do happen.  The funds for the brakes were provided per an interest free loan, one that is manageable.  The funds for the sewer mess became available from God.  Literally....a man of God (one that hardly knows me) with a heart of service sent the funds....period.  Unbelievable!  I read about these things and here I am living it today.  I say from God because to see how it all played out and the timing....it was just God!  A week or so after this event transpired, I received what I thought was my first Christmas card in the mail.  It wasn't just any card though....it was a gift.  An organization that is geared towards Homeschooler's sent us a gift of Christmas money for the kids this year.  This is their service.  And, it was totally unexpected and brought many emotionally unexplainable tears to my eyes.  How did they pick us?  Who am I to receive such blessings?  I'm just another person trying to do the next right thing.  To say I've had gratitude would be an understatement.

There are other miracles that have been traspiring as well.  Dating, is one of them.  Yep,  there was a time that I got extremely comfortable without it and thought maybe never again is not so bad.  LOL!  But, I did eventually get back out there.  And, the first couple of dates were first and last!  Wow!  There are some interesting people out there for sure.  A wise man said, "You're picker is more refined now.  It can weed out the bull."  Maybe this is true!  But, what's that saying....three's a charm?  Maybe there is some truth to that one.  The third date was a good one.  And, there have been many additional dates with Numero Tres.  It's a lot different these days to date.  Maybe due to some of that gained "wisdom", maybe the changing of the times, maybe because I'm a parent now, or likely all of the above.  But, in short....it's been fun.  This I do call a miracle!  :)

But, this morning as I was listening to the miracles needed for others and thinking about the miracles I continue to prayer for each day this is what came to mind for me:   I have three of the most precious miracles I could ever hope for in life.  And, as a parent I watched each of my miracles face some medical issues, each kiddo a little more challenging in that venue than the next and ultimately leading to my baby being on the brink of life, fighting to sustain during the initial 24 -48 hour window while my heart was completely torn in that NICU for two weeks.  There's not a moment that goes by that I can not vividly recall sitting on the fence that Saturday with that question, "Do we go in to the clinic today or wait until Monday?" with the words of our Pediatrician ringing in my ears, "If you had waited even one day....the outcome would have been VERY different!"  My three miracles have all overcome many medical challenges.  What could have been VERY different, is a bright and funny, full of life little boy now.  These are my miracles and they are the ones that I must protect.  These are the miracles that the system won't "allow" me to protect.

So, as I was sitting there this morning listening, I was reflecting on the overall theme that has been transparent over the course of this journey....our need for miracles.  It's a different kind of miracle because it's not about a medical issue.  But, it is about the life, safety, and well being of miracles.  I have prayed just as many of my faithful prayer warriors have prayed over and over for this miracle to take place.  I want my kiddos to be safe....period!  I have prayed specific prayers, I've prayed whatever is in the best interest prayers, and I've prayed general prayers.  But, overall....it is a miracle that we are seeking.  In the depths of what seems the impossible, we need a miracle.  And, so my prayers continue.  I have not lost hope, though at times I struggle.  I know that God is still in control even when I do not understand.

May you be blessed with any miracles that you may need during this time as well!  I love this time of year!  And, I love all of my faithful friends and family that have helped me to stand strong through it all!

Psalm 77:11
I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

Psalm 77:14
You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.

Psalm 105:5
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced.

 

When It Rains, It Pours

This past month has been marvelous in many, many ways!  Although I've known a new court date would be up and coming in the near future to have a month of reprieve was unbelievable and the weight was lifted from me during that time.  October was a busy, busy month for us but in a good way.  There were so many great things I got to do with the kiddos and just be able to spend that quality time with them and enjoy their laughter.  Thank you, Lord!

About mid-month the "rain" began.  You know those moments when one thing breaks and all the rest follow suite?....This has been transpiring and I have wondered how exactly to address them all.  It has not been a 'huge' ordeal per-say, until I see them all piled up together staring at me with their creepy, little eyes and their devilish grins.  Okay, not really....but it can be overwhelming.

And, today topped the cake.  I've been served....AGAIN!!!  I knew it was coming and I knew exactly what it would be but it didn't lessen the blow.  It's frightening to say the least!  And, so my faith walk just got escalated ten fold.  It's not just a matter of what the Judge will say this time, but also how we will obtain the resources to make the fight, whether or not we will face the same Judge, and how in the midst of it all the "rain" will dry.

What's the scoop on the Judge in question you ask?....Our Judge is retiring at the end of the year.  That's right, ANOTHER new Judge!  And, I have mixed feelings about it.  Certainly this Judge has not been one that gave a fair ruling in light of the case at hand, but it also stands true that this Judge has yet to hear the truth.  Then again, it was this Judge that refused to allow the truth to be presented in the court room.  When I find myself in these circumstances, I can not help but wander if things would change entirely if in light of new "truths" coming out in the court room and more of the ex's personality being revealed surely a Judge would at some point take a stand and say ENOUGH already.  But, it also may be very likely that a new Judge will be the one to see through it all.

My experience has obviously not been favorable thus far.  And, because I don't know what the best option would be this is why I pray and pray and pray!!!  Given the timing of the motion and the fact that there is another matter before the court that will likely turn into a hearing as well, it is very possible that the court date will not be until the first of the year which would definitely mean a new Judge.  I'm just praying and asking for your prayers as well, that the best option is what will transpire.

My life continues on in the midst and although the weight fell back upon me today, I still press forward.  I must continue to do the next right thing and trust.  In this season of Thanks with all that is going on, I will say that I am Thankful for 3 of the most precious kiddos ever that love me unconditionally, that teach  me about life every day, and that share the most contagious laughter.  And, I am Thankful for the most amazing prayer warriors that have stood by my side in the midst of all these trials, that encourage me, that inspire me to continue living for and in Him, and that love me when I struggle in all areas.

Psalm 69:30
I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

Psalm 95:2
Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.

Follow Your Heart

I thought in light of some things that I have been facing recently, I would take this opportunity to switch gears for a minute and share on a slightly different topic.  This journey has brought about many opportunities for growth, reflection, and healing and I've touched on some of those along the way.  But, what some may not realize is that in God's plan, the things we gain may be so far from what we might expect.  I'm not sure that this lesson is necessarily far off base, but it's certainly not one that I would have envisioned being a part of this process.

Care to take a little journey back in time with me?....Throughout my engagement, I was still in the beginning stages of my career.  In fact, I was fresh out of my internship.  And, I was able to work in that same place following the internship.  And, I was lost!  :)  But, I worked with some knowledgeable folks and one of them in many ways took me under his wing to "train" me.  It was one of my greatest experiences in the field.  And, the added benefit to it is that is came with an awesome friendship.

Over the course of our working experience and our friendship there were many a moments that I would catch myself thinking, "this is the kind of relationship I want" and naively thinking this would someday happen with my then fiance.  And, there were moments when I "felt" far more than I should as a friend and I would quickly push it away and try with every fiber in my being to ignore it.  Why?  Because I was engaged?  Because in my mind that was wrong?  Because I tried to bring in the doubt factor and brush it off?  But, the bottom line is over time those feelings were very clear for me.  That is not to say that I did not love my then fiance.  It was confusing at best.  But, I allowed myself to continue keeping it at bay rather than truly evaluating what I was experiencing and feeling.

On the grand ole wedding day, just moments before the big walk I began feeling this knot inside.  I talked briefly about some of this in the beginning of my blog but certainly not about this particular aspect.  I knew something was not "right" you might say and I felt this strong urge to stop the wedding but I didn't tell 'all' the why's.  There was a big part of me that felt it wasn't fair to all those that had put forth so much time, energy, and dedication to making this day happen.  There was a big part of me that didn't want to disappoint all those that had traveled near and far to share the day with us.  Look at all the costs involved, surely this is what they call wedding jitters....writing all of this down seems so absurd yet I have found that this is a very common feeling from so many that walk down that isle when they know deep down that there is something not right about it and that it should not happen.

But, that wasn't all that was going on for me at that moment.  I wanted more than anything to send someone for him so that I could talk to him right then and there.  But, I didn't.  I wanted to stop when I reached his seat walking down the isle, but I didn't.  When the preacher said, "If there is anyone here that feels these two should not be married....." I so desperately hoped that he would speak up.  And, when that silence led to the continuation of the marriage, my heart literally sank at that moment.  

I literally had to grieve this loss.  I was indeed very much in love with him.  But, I sat in silence.  I didn't even know that was possible until I experienced it....to be in love with one and to love another.  The end result is that things did change for our friendship on down the road.  And, I never told him the truth.  It's the only thing I ever kept from him and eventually he found someone and got married himself.  But, for me it was yet another lesson.

I allowed my fears to hold me back.  And, look at the path I have endured.  Don't get me wrong.  I strongly believe that painful as it has been and still remains in many aspects, this path is what was necessary for me to get to where I am today.  This path gave me 3 of the most precious gifts I could ever receive.  This path has caused growth and healing in more ways than I ever dreamed possible.  But, there's always that question in the back of my mind....

Life does not always present us with second chances.  Oh, how absolutely wonderful that would be, but that is not always the case.  So, for me the lesson here is to simply follow your heart.  So, cliche huh?  But, seriously....I didn't trust myself or maybe I didn't think enough of myself at the time to listen when everything inside was screaming at me.  My life today is different.  And, I can see it playing out in many ways already.  I am grateful for that growth.  And, my hope is that I will hang on to that lesson from this day forward.  I didn't really see that one coming in the course of this divorce and the trials that have transpired as a result but it's valuable none the less.

No Surprise Here

Here we go again:  Wow!  I received a call today from my attorney.  Another motion has been filed to have me pay for his attorney fees associated with the motion we dropped.  What?....Yes!  It also came with the "final tally" of the costs incurred from the previous order in which I am to pay for his fees and the result is:  AN ASTRONOMICAL AMOUNT that I would not be able to pay even if everything I could earn working 40 hours a week within a year went straight to him.  More insanity at it's finest!  I'm pretty sure that what they are asking for can not even be done in accordance to the law if I remember correctly.  That; however, means nothing in light of what has already transpired in our case.

So, what's next?  We respond tomorrow.  There may be even more than a response at this point, but this is the beginning.  Typically, this is not something that would have to be set for a hearing but it just may be given the circumstances.  It really depends at this point.  And, so....we wait.

I'm feeling okay for this moment.  When reading through the motion and sorting through all of the lies that were included within that motion, I was literally trembling not from fear but just an involuntary reaction.  Who knows what will happen!  I think everyone knows my lack of faith in the system but I hang on to my faith in God!

For right now, I am okay and the fear does not exist.  That comes from Him!  That inner peace is priceless and it's His gift.  That being said, I value your prayers.  And, I'm asking that you pour on the prayers at this moment and throughout tomorrow and the remainder of this week.  This can really go a few different ways.  We are praying for the best in hopes that our response opens up the door for questions.  

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 
  
Psalm 5:10-12

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁰ Declare them guilty, O God!
    Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
    for they have rebelled against you.
¹¹ But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
    let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

¹² Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous;
    you surround them with your favor as with a shield.