I thought in light of some things that I have been facing recently, I would take this opportunity to switch gears for a minute and share on a slightly different topic. This journey has brought about many opportunities for growth, reflection, and healing and I've touched on some of those along the way. But, what some may not realize is that in God's plan, the things we gain may be so far from what we might expect. I'm not sure that this lesson is necessarily far off base, but it's certainly not one that I would have envisioned being a part of this process.
Care to take a little journey back in time with me?....Throughout my engagement, I was still in the beginning stages of my career. In fact, I was fresh out of my internship. And, I was able to work in that same place following the internship. And, I was lost! :) But, I worked with some knowledgeable folks and one of them in many ways took me under his wing to "train" me. It was one of my greatest experiences in the field. And, the added benefit to it is that is came with an awesome friendship.
Over the course of our working experience and our friendship there were many a moments that I would catch myself thinking, "this is the kind of relationship I want" and naively thinking this would someday happen with my then fiance. And, there were moments when I "felt" far more than I should as a friend and I would quickly push it away and try with every fiber in my being to ignore it. Why? Because I was engaged? Because in my mind that was wrong? Because I tried to bring in the doubt factor and brush it off? But, the bottom line is over time those feelings were very clear for me. That is not to say that I did not love my then fiance. It was confusing at best. But, I allowed myself to continue keeping it at bay rather than truly evaluating what I was experiencing and feeling.
On the grand ole wedding day, just moments before the big walk I began feeling this knot inside. I talked briefly about some of this in the beginning of my blog but certainly not about this particular aspect. I knew something was not "right" you might say and I felt this strong urge to stop the wedding but I didn't tell 'all' the why's. There was a big part of me that felt it wasn't fair to all those that had put forth so much time, energy, and dedication to making this day happen. There was a big part of me that didn't want to disappoint all those that had traveled near and far to share the day with us. Look at all the costs involved, surely this is what they call wedding jitters....writing all of this down seems so absurd yet I have found that this is a very common feeling from so many that walk down that isle when they know deep down that there is something not right about it and that it should not happen.
But, that wasn't all that was going on for me at that moment. I wanted more than anything to send someone for him so that I could talk to him right then and there. But, I didn't. I wanted to stop when I reached his seat walking down the isle, but I didn't. When the preacher said, "If there is anyone here that feels these two should not be married....." I so desperately hoped that he would speak up. And, when that silence led to the continuation of the marriage, my heart literally sank at that moment.
I literally had to grieve this loss. I was indeed very much in love with him. But, I sat in silence. I didn't even know that was possible until I experienced it....to be in love with one and to love another. The end result is that things did change for our friendship on down the road. And, I never told him the truth. It's the only thing I ever kept from him and eventually he found someone and got married himself. But, for me it was yet another lesson.
I allowed my fears to hold me back. And, look at the path I have endured. Don't get me wrong. I strongly believe that painful as it has been and still remains in many aspects, this path is what was necessary for me to get to where I am today. This path gave me 3 of the most precious gifts I could ever receive. This path has caused growth and healing in more ways than I ever dreamed possible. But, there's always that question in the back of my mind....
Life does not always present us with second chances. Oh, how absolutely wonderful that would be, but that is not always the case. So, for me the lesson here is to simply follow your heart. So, cliche huh? But, seriously....I didn't trust myself or maybe I didn't think enough of myself at the time to listen when everything inside was screaming at me. My life today is different. And, I can see it playing out in many ways already. I am grateful for that growth. And, my hope is that I will hang on to that lesson from this day forward. I didn't really see that one coming in the course of this divorce and the trials that have transpired as a result but it's valuable none the less.
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