Admitting Defeat

The next few months became a time in which I was tested the most in my faith.  By this time, I was tired.  I was worn out, broken, beat down, scared, and filled with grief from those that choose to judge, criticize, and shame me.  I noticed that for the first time in my life, I turned to food for comfort.  Big sigh....

Yes, I was living a life that basically consisted of doing whatever it took to get through the next day, the next hour, the next moment, sometimes a mere second seemed unbearable.  I focused as much time and energy as possible on my kiddos.  And, I slept!  When I had to remain awake in order to do more work for the case which was often, I'd work and eat....work and eat.  The quality of my life was lacking and I knew that I simply had to walk through this until I could get to the other side.


But, it was during this time that I did stop to some degree.  Someone else took over.  It was my body, my mind, my work....and yet, it was not.  God stepped in and took the wheel.  He carried me when I was weak.  He lifted my spirits when I was defeated.  He comforted me when others ran away.  He loved me when others judged.  And, when my fears kicked into high gear He never removed the peace that I held onto deep down knowing that He was in control!


I think at this point, I knew that things were not going to end well at this time.  I somehow knew that part of my journey would include losing most everything before gaining it all but knowing this did not calm my fears or prevent me from fighting for what was right.  What can I say?....I lived in a liberal state, with liberal judges, an attorney that was terrified of his opposing counsel, and an ex that continued to con and manipulate all those around him.  


I had to return to relying solely upon God.  I sometimes wander why it is that it takes trials and tribulations to remind me of this important task but I must admit that when life is good, I get caught up in it and more so than not, God becomes my second thought.  I forget that we are here for a short time and our focus should be on God all the time.  Struggles bring me to my knees.  And, with this particular struggle more lessons than I ever thought imaginable are being incorporated.  (More on that aspect later.)  This journey is changing who I am on many levels.  And, for that, I thank God! 

Calgon....Yeah, that's a joke in this scenario!

The holidays were fast approaching and I could practically taste the break, the relief if only for a moment, the security of simply being on the other side of the country as we went to visit family.  It was my favorite time of year and we were off.  

It was nice to be away and to see the pure joy of my kiddos as they relish in the opportunity to be spoiled by grandparents.  I was loving it....for a day anyway.  However, I got an "urgent" email from my attorney at this point informing me of my ex's "new" attorney.  What does this mean exactly?....Well, I learned real quick that for me it meant doing everything in my power to get a new attorney as mine was clearly intimidated by this guy and he no longer wanted the case.

Due to the urgency of the matter, I kid you not...my ENTIRE visit was spent on the phone day after day trying to get a new attorney for representation.  The problem:  no funding = no attorneys.  I'm not sure pro-bono exists within our economy today.  No one would even give me the time of day.  The "free and/or sliding scale services" in our area were overbooked and not accepting new clients.  I finally realized that I was stuck!

I went back to my attorney explaining all the avenues that were dead ends.  He had no sympathy, no compassion.  He simply stated that I could no longer afford him and the rules of the game had changed.  I had to become stern and stand my ground.  This may very well have been part of the lesson in this experience for me as it is out of my comfort zone.  The result is that he remained on the case, but he no longer "worked" for me or "fought" for me.  He suddenly began doing only the bare minimum of what it took to get by and I knew this....what a horrible feeling in the midst of such a trying time.

So, the new motion on the floor.....drum roll please....the SAME motion from a year and a half ago when this all began.  That's right!  He's starting all over again!  I took a deep breath but did not feel the intensity of the emotions this go round.  There was a part of me that was very confident that this motion would fail.  

I have learned in the journey to simply stand back at times and trust.  Why?...Because there have been times that this action is all I had left in me.  It became my only option.  I learned to lean on God....a lot!  I often question why it takes such difficult battles to remind me of this process but I know that I get very wrapped up in life when things are going well and I admit that God does not become my 1st during those times.  It's certainly not something I am proud of but a struggle none-the-less.  

During these times, God has certainly spoken to me in many ways and I try to listen even though my mind is saying "What?!?"  I have had to rely more on Him because so many others turned away.  I pray for the safety and well being of my kids daily and then I ask God to show me the what He wants me to gain from this process.  I hope that I will be able to see!

The Big Let Down

In the days that followed there was silence.....lots and lots of silence.  It didn't take long to realize that this person that gave me such great assurance never had any true intentions of helping me in any way.  It was a hard and painful blow especially after having mustered up so much courage to simply reach out in the first place.

So, I began my own journey of searching and interviewing professional after professional and I finally found "the one".  I knew in my gut this was the right person.  

Meanwhile, during the course of this entire divorce my ex had refused to uphold nearly all of the court orders.  I can not even begin to tell you how many thousands of dollars in arrears he was for the medical bills simply because he "refused" to provide for his children.  I depleted everything in order to provide for my kiddos.  And, this was only one area of contempt.

But, the next huge event was one that may just amaze a few folks.  It came as no surprise to me.  But, I'm used to it....this was the person I was married too and the behaviors that I had grown so accustomed too for years.  My ex approached me one day following time with the kids and said, "I can no longer fight you emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc.  I will be sending you an offer this week.  You will need to sign it by October 1st or the life insurance policies have already been canceled and I will stop making the mortgage and home owner's payments.  There will be no counter-offers.  You will sign it or this is how it's going to be!"

The mortgage and homeowner's were his responsibility as per our agreement in exchange for spousal support.  And, that was that....I found it interesting that he would even make such a statement on one hand because he is the one who continues to initiate battle after battle.  However, I reiterate that it came as no surprise.

The offer came in and it was so outrageously ridiculous that my own attorney laughed.  Professional as he had been thus far, that says quite a bit.  Needless to say, I did not sign the offer but my ex certainly followed through on his threats.  This began a new battle in our worlds.  Here, at this point, we were facing the soon to be cut in half child support, the upcoming parenting study, the on-going refusal for medical bills and many other things as well, and now the refusal to pay the mortgage and homeowner's which meant the ultimate word "foreclosure" that would at some point be entering our worlds!

This, all in the day and life of....yes, things were becoming more and more stressful.  I began realizing that my ex was simply looking for that control that he lost within the divorce.  And, he would stop at nothing to gain it back.  But, I found myself in a position of being unable to free myself from it all.  I began feeling trapped in some ways.  No matter what I do, he is going to hold tight and continue to fight for the next 18 years or so and he will do so through the courts....the loophole that keeps him secure in these actions.

The Law is the Law.....Unless it's Not!

There was a great deal of time to hurry up and wait until the next court date.  In the meantime, per the requirements of the court when modifying parenting time, we participated in mediation.  It was an epic FAIL!  Interestingly though, my ex openly admitted that he could not handle all three children at once and therefore demanded that he have traditional time every other weekend PLUS a night or two during the week to see our youngest child.  Currently, his time is supervised.  Needless to say, the epic fail was a given.


In the months following this mediation was our first hearing in regards to the child support issue.  I could not understand why he was seeking to modify because we agreed to the support number knowing it was the bare minimum of what it took for us to survive given the bills, kids needs, etc.  Per the law, the only way to modify support is when there is a significant change of circumstances which equates to a 15% or greater change in finances.  This was not the case at all and therefore, we didn't have anything to really prepare for as we were simply seeking a dismissal based on the law.


Well, let me just say that one of the things that I've learned in all of this is that the law is only the law when it's the law and when it's not the law it's still the law, unless it isn't.  You got it?....Yeah, me neither.


Another series of events had taken place prior to this....our original Judge moved up and our new Judge the day of this hearing was late, so another Judge stepped in to hear this portion of the case.  Amazingly, the dismissal was denied and the case was heard.  They played the card, "since we did our own divorce, we didn't know what we were doing," and they succeeded.  My ex got up on the stand and told a bold-faced lie.  But, it boiled down to "he said/she said" and I couldn't prove it otherwise.  He won!  Our support was cut in half, such a drastic cut that we would not even be able to pay the bills.  This hearing was not complete though.  Given the needs our our kids, the Judge was trying to factor in something on their behalf but needed more evidence.  So, it was post-poned pending the gathering of all the evidence.  You guessed it....MORE WORK FOR ME!  Lots and lots of work I might add!

Switching gears again, the outcome of the big epic fail is that we agreed to a parenting study.  At first the courts ordered that the court appointed folks would handle the study but I was uncomfortable with this given the course of events that had transpired thus far and knowing the differences between social workers, LPC's, and PhD's in this field.  

I moved for a professional to conduct the study.  This was one of the turning points in my personal journey.  I know an individual that does amazing work in the field.  This is a person that I worked with in the past and I had seen that work first hand.  This is also a person that intimidates me greatly.  But, I was able to find the courage I needed to reach out for the sake of my children.  It's amazing what you will do for your own!

I remember the fear of making that call yet as I looked into the eyes of my kiddos, my fingers had dialed and it was ringing before I even realized what had happened.  I was so broken at this moment and my emotions just overflowed as I tried to reach out for this help.  I was given the comforting words with the assurance that this person had contacts in my area that would be followed up on.  It gave me a sense of relief, if only for a moment.

And, with that....I rested out of pure exhaustion!  But, the story that follows is one that I had not banked on....more to come!

 

The First Court Day

After many months of preparations, the first day in court arrived.  This is soooo not my cup of tea.  I'd much rather have a kidney stone than to face the court room as it brings on an anxiety that I just can't shake.  It doesn't matter what the circumstances, but given the circumstances in this situation that anxiety was elevated.


Upon arrival in the court room, the first of ultimate betrayals was revealed as a former friend showed up on my ex's behalf.  This is an individual that knows the systems and how to advocate in courts.  During the course of my marriage, when I was friends with this person, my ex hated that individual.  I had my suspicions as to what was going on but it was far too soon to know for sure.  In short, my ex was using this person for his gain.

That being said, the attorneys went into chambers and when they came out, I was informed that the Judge did not want to hear this case because it was clear that my ex did not have enough information for it to proceed.  This was good news.  However, after it took my ex's attorney and hour and a half to convince him not to go into the court room, with the use of his new "friend", they devised a new motion....one to modify the parenting time and child support.

So, here we go again.  This kick starts a whole new ball game.  The intensity of the case just got bumped up to a whole new playing field.  I now have to do everything in my power to protect the innocent.  And, let me just say that the sleepless nights truly kicked in at this point as I sat up night after night often 'til 2 a.m. give or take preparing all of the information/evidence needed to present in court.

My routine had changed drastically.  I no longer had "me time" at night when the kiddos went to bed.  I had prepare for court time....work without pay time....research endlessly time.  There was no end in sight.

The good news in it all is that God was always near.  When my focus became so entangled in the information and tasks at hand, there was always something that would bring me back and remind me to stop and pray.  The prayers, the communication....was my saving grace.  For within the stress of it all, the unknowns, the uncertainty, the fears....within it all I always maintained a sense of peace deep down.  That was the most comforting feeling of all and I knew that was God.  It was that reminder...."I am here, you are not alone, everything will be okay."  And, this was enough. 

A Divorce Involves More than Two People

I need to share just a bit about the divorce from others that resulted from this divorce because right now at this very moment, it is still very painful within my world.  I have seen it happen with others but I never really understood the full impact of it all until my own experience.

Let's talk about a little history here.  I'm very shy by nature, but very much a people person.  I love to interact with others and have relationships, spending time with these folks, and just enjoying the give and take of life.  My ex prefers his computer over relationships and will openly admit that he does not want to participate in social events of any kind.

During the course of the marriage, it didn't hinder me a whole lot as I'd just have my friendships with others without his presence and he would happily hide behind the computer.  It did hinder the social gatherings and having folks over into my home, but all in all, it was something that I adjusted too and just kind of took it on as our differences.

When the divorce occurred, I never imagined what was in my future in terms of relationships given the fact that my ex did not have many friendships at that point in time.  It didn't make sense to me that the snowball effect that took place was even possible.  But, lo and behold everything began to change.

Every time I came into my church home, the place I loved to worship with people that have loved and supported me for many years, I began receiving glares, stares, and judgment that was astonishing.  Now, this was not from everyone.  There were still many people that continued to love and support me and I'm not even sure that those loving folks are even aware of the actions from those choosing to participate in judgment but it seemed to intensify with each new court battle.

I began hearing snippets of the gossip here and there and discovered that my ex was telling quite the tales to others while playing the martyr.  I don't know everything that has been said, but I know enough along with his personality to know that he has successfully convinced others to accept his lies as truth.  And, to be fair....why wouldn't others believe him?  They have never been in a relationship with him and to them there is no reason he would lie, but the sad reality is that none of these folks ever talked with me.  They never asked my side of the story to verify what was being said was true vs. other.  These individuals chose to take the hearsay as truth and judge accordingly.

As a result, I have lost many friends and a great amount of support.  This has been one of the most painful parts of the journey.  I also noticed that some of my friends just "disappeared" in the process.  Was the topic to heavy?  Am I now a third wheel?  Have I been tainted simply because I'm divorced?  Who knows the reasons behind it but the impact was huge.  Many people left me during this time.

The great news is that many new people were re-introduced into my life.  And, the majority of them were folks that I had a history with whether through former churches or school, etc.  Those relationships were brought back and strengthened.  You know they say during difficult times you discover who your friends are?....Well, that is very true.  And, God also provides the exact folks in our lives at the exact right time.  It's been an interesting journey to say the least.

Ans, as painful as it has been, I am thankful that the hearts of many have been revealed.  It has been a wonderful reminder for myself to remain genuine in all areas of my life at all times. 

The Ending was Merely the Beginning

So, what was this crazy motion?....The motion was to have the entire divorce null and void.  Yep, he'd prefer to start completely over because as I have stated before he has this pattern of changing his mind.  He no longer agreed with the terms of the divorce and did not want to uphold them under any circumstances.  And, so the war began and that term is putting it mildly.

The thing about this motion he filed is that it can only be filed within the first year of the divorce and under the premise that the divorce happened on fraudulent terms.  So, what were those terms you ask?....Good question.  His motion was vague at best stating that I had lied about parenting time issues and he claimed a "semi" secreting of assets.

It was ridiculous at best, but for me this meant a long journey of work consuming time that I simply did not have due to my responsibilities as a mom.  I began spending night after countless night preparing this document and that document.  I spent my days chasing after this evidence and that evidence and I slowly began to realize the amount of time that it was taking away from my kiddos.

This is the part that saddened me greatly.  It was making an impact yet I had no choice in the matter for it is not his responsibility to prove the fraud but mine to prove the innocence.  That's a bit backwards don't ya think?

It was a struggle, yet it was not the only struggle for I began to realize that folks were treating me differently.  After the divorce we decided to remain within our church but to attend different services.  However, I began noticing that there were people that would no longer associate with me.  Instead, there was great judgment coming from them, stares, glares, and an uncomfortable atmosphere to say the least.

There were times that I thought, maybe this is just in my head.  But, each time I ventured to think along those lines, these individuals would prove me wrong.  What I could not figure out is the "why".  I had a pretty good idea, but at this point I could not say it with any certainty.  That will be revealed later.

For now, I must say that life began changing for me in some pretty drastic ways.  My support group was changing, my time with my kiddos was changing, and my relationship with God was changing.  And, that is the positive in it all.  For it was during this time that my prayers became more consistent.  And, it was during this time that I began relying more on Him for direction and answers.

I had some fears because one never knows what is going to happen in court and what the outcome is going to be, but in the midst of those fears I was calm.  It's hard to explain but I had a sense of being protected.  I knew I had done nothing wrong and had nothing to hide.  And, that was the most comforting feeling!