If It Weren't for Bad Luck....

You know that saying, right?  I'm starting to feel that way in light of today.  Wow!  Today, I was blown away....again and our lives now have the potential to be completely turned upside down....again.  Did I mention....again?  Yes, again!

I have no idea how today's news is going to turn out and so there is a part of me deep down that holds on to that peace that it's all going to be okay.  I didn't become overly concerned today when I was hit upside the head with it, but the reality of how things have gone thus far does invoke quite a bit of fear on some levels.  I simply do not trust our system at all! 

Because of the complexities of the actual event and how it all plays out, the details can not be stated in a blog at this point although it is likely that on this topic, that will soon change.  But, in short in the worst case scenario, we are potentially looking at possibilities of homelessness once again and further dangers to innocent lives all derived by choices being made by my ex.  Remember my last entry on spite?....It's in full force.

EEK!  Was the previous battle not heavy enough?  Come on people...can I get a little breather here?  Please?....

So, what's God doing right now?  Ya wanna know?....I can only tell you portions because that's all that has been revealed but that little portion is enough for today.  Remember my last entry?  Remember the Hand of God?  Remember the ability to focus on myself and my direction which has not been an easy task lately?

Well, it all factors into this event by God's perfect timing.  The direction that I am feeling led to may very well be on track.  The timing, although perfect in some sense doesn't add up to me in another sense but as I have learned I can not see that far ahead yet.  I don't know what exactly is in front of me.  And, therefore I must rely on faith again and trust in the process.  And, to be more specific in this portion I will say that my chosen career is one that I simply have no desire to return to in terms of the working field.  That has been a challenge for me.  Growing up, I always knew what I wanted to do and I did it.  I knew what my major was going to be when I started college and it never changed.  I knew what my end goal was going to be and I accomplished it.  And, after doing so and then choosing to become a stay at home mom, I then became very lost.  Returning to my field was far from attractive but knowing where to go from here was more than confusing.  I have contemplated three different options for quite some time now but have struggled to really know and feel that call in any one direction.  In my latest research and in light of what occurred today, I can say that some things make more sense than others and that is where I base the statement that "the direction I am feeling led to may very well be on track."  I don't know that for sure and I ask for your prayers in this area as well, that God will show me where I need to be at this time.

In the midst of unknowns, I am putting one foot in front of the other.  I am taking the next right step and trying to rely on that faith.  I am trying to listen which can be so very hard!  And, this is all I know to do right now, until more is revealed.

My dear prayer warriors....I need you now!  I don't want to lose all of these things again.  I really do not want to go through that process all over, especially in terms of the effects it had on my kiddos.  I feel like I'm at my wits end with the other stuff.  Please pray that all things will indeed work out.  Please pray that we will have and/or find the means to survive in the right time, that doors will open.  Please continue to pray that the kiddos open up to the right professionals so that they can be protected.  Please pray for my strength to continue through it all even when I do not feel it.  And, thank you for being you!  Know that you are very loved and appreciated!  

This verse seems rather fitting yet again tonight:

Hebrews 11

New International Version (NIV)

Faith in Action

11 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. ² This is what the ancients were commended for.

³ By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

The Hand of God

Last week was tough in the beginning and quite emotional.  By mid week, there was a moment of change and a shift.  And, that moment of change was exactly what I needed at the exact right moment.

Ya tired of hearing about all of this yet?....Try living it!  That was pretty much a part of where I was at that pivotal moment.  I was so very, very tired.  I just wanted it all to go away.  The feelings of helplessness and failure are almost unbearable at times and short of a miracle, my only options to make the change necessary would most certainly be criminal.  To say it's difficult to be in this spot is kind of like saying water is wet.  But, then there was that moment....

In some of the greatest despair, I was given a powerful reminder of a loved one that had long since made his journey to be with God.  And, in those moments I felt a hand literally touch me.  A touch of love, a touch of compassion, a touch of healing, a touch of warmth.  A touch from God?....I looked but saw nothing.  Yet, no one could ever convince me that He doesn't exist or that miracles do not exist.  I know at that moment, relief washed over me much like it does when I feel the power of all the many prayers being lifted on our behalf.  And, that relief lasted throughout the remainder of the week and through the weekend.  

I struggled on whether or not to share this experience given it's very personal nature yet I vowed to be open and honest as much as I'm able when I began this blog.  And, I also felt that given the reality that good news has been so hard to come by in this case this event may be powerful to share.  It solidifies the words of God in how He is always with us no matter what obstacles or trials we may be enduring.  And, sometimes a gentle reminder is all we need. 

This event gave me the freedom to shift my focus for the remainder of last week.  I was able to focus on my daughter's health concerns, my oldest son's struggles, and my baby's intense needs.  I was also able to focus a bit on me and some of my direction at this point which has been quite confusing for longer than I'd care to admit.  And, it was all good!  

Today was tough!  It was as "Monday" as Monday can get and I struggled.  The emotions came rolling back in and I very much wanted to go and lash out at my ex in hopes that it would somehow make me feel better but I know that's not the answer.  On the other extreme, I question if it is my role to pray for my ex in all of his dangerous revenge and spiteful nature.  I've been successful once or twice with a sincere heart but I really struggle with this one.  I struggle a lot.   And, forgiving him knowing the behaviors continue is a concept that my brain can not grasp.

I realized over the weekend, that taking care of me must be more of a priority.  It was good for me to get out of my comfort zone a bit.  It is necessary for me to process more with folks not only for the genuineness of relationships, but for more healing to transpire as a result (and more healing than can occur hiding behind the computer screen).  And, this last weekend was a step in the right direction.  I fully believe the "shift" helped me in that process.  And, I thank God for that experience.

My prayers continue to be for the innocent and that they will be empowered to share their truths with the right people so that the end can take place and the new beginnings can unfold.

1 Chronicles 16:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ Look to the Lord and his strength;
    seek his face always.

¹² Remember the wonders he has done,
    his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
¹³ you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
    his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.

Okay, So I'm Human

Today was another tough day, a tough day that followed a tough week.  There was a day this past week that I was absolutely furious!  Yeah, I know right....ME?  Yep!  Angry as all get out.  And, I think it's pretty safe to say rightly so....angry that our case has gone through so many dirty hands and unethical practices.  Angry that the law has yet to be upheld.  Angry that my ex continues to get away with so many things that are so far from okay including outright contempt of nearly every order within our judgment.  Angry that our system can not/will not protect the innocent lives that are so important.  And, angry that I am completely helpless at this point as a mother and unable to do what a parent has every right to do in such circumstances.

There was also a moment within that anger that I felt this relief wash over me, almost all of a sudden.  I vividly remember that moment and I sat down to thank God.  And, although I did not say so at the time, I was thanking all of my prayer warriors in that moment because I know that the relief comes from those constant prayers and the most amazing Father ever.

It was certainly not an end to all of the emotions from this journey.  But, I greatly treasure those moments.  Today, was yet another day filled with emotion.  I woke up nearly on the verge of tears.  I struggled to keep my composure all day long.  And, I did not gain any relief until this evening.  The exact "what" behind it is remains uncertain.  Maybe it's just in general given all that is going on.  Maybe it's more specific to the nightmares my daughter has faced all throughout this week.  Maybe it's the struggles I see in my oldest kiddo.  I don't suppose it's even vital that I can accurately pinpoint it right now so much as it is vital that I allow myself to walk through it.

It's not an easy road.  It's not a road I want to travel.  But, it's the path I'm on and it's my role as a parent, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a teacher, and most importantly a Christian to walk through it in a way that is pleasing to God.  I don't always do that successfully.  But, when I have those moments that are not pleasing to Him, I try learn from them, grow from them, and continue striving to do what is right.

I continue to pray that our journey is near an end and brighter days filled with God's mercy and safety are very near.  And, I also continue to pray that this journey will somehow in some way help others that struggle.  I would never pray this battle on anyone, but all of our journey's through life are meant to be shared with others.  My prayer is that this one will in some way help others that may be struggling to know that you are never alone.  No matter what the struggle, knowing the reasons may never come to light.  But, there is purpose.  There is purpose.  There is always opportunity for growth.  And, God will be with us in every aspect.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
 

Serving his Sentence

What a day, what a day!  Last week was filled with many long days and nights of preparation as yet another court day approaches.  The emotions overflowed as I was reminded of every bitter detail of what has been and is transpiring within our lives.  This is only the second motion I have filed against my ex, both of which are contempt.  It truly should be a case of 'here ya go, Judge,' case closed.  Yet, on Sunday these feelings of massive anxiety started swarming in....my little warning signal you could say....danger, danger!  The fears set in....

Yesterday in talking with my attorney, I discover those feelings are not mine alone.  It was decided today that we should not go to court tomorrow.  And, the bottom line behind it is that the Judge would almost certainly throw me in jail.  Yes, you heard me right.  I know some of you are going back already trying to re-read and see what exactly it is that you missed.  You didn't....trust me.  It's more of insanity at it's finest.  But, it's also reality.  My ex is in clear contempt of nearly everything within the court papers and YES, we can prove it.  However, it's not "big enough" in light of the stage that has been set.

We must hold on.  We must wait some more.  I must continue to endure the abuse at his hands and I must continue to allow other things to keep transpiring at this point.  There is no other 'legal' option right now.  And, that is a hard pill to swallow.  I don't understand.  I don't agree.  I do feel helpless many days.  I do grieve.  I do desire it all to be behind us.  But, I have to, hard as it is, continue to trust.  

God has a plan.  There are so many days that I so wish I knew what that plan was all about but I am very lost in that department.  I see the little things within it all, the growth, the eye opening experiences, the change in me, the willingness & openness to listen to Him more, and sometimes that is enough.  But, to say I do not struggle would be a lie.  All of the other battles aside, I want one thing.  Many know what that is and it continues to be my prayer constantly.  My hope is that 'that' prayer will be answered now.

Driving home today filled with painful emotions, I flipped to my Urbana CD.  I was fortunate enough to be able to experience Urbana in my college years and they sang many songs that really touched me then and continue to throughout my life today.  One of them was Good to Me.  Today, it seemed most appropriate.

Good to Me by Craig Musseau

I cry out for your hand of mercy to heal me I am weak I need your love to free me Oh Lord, my rock My strength in weakness, Come rescue me oh Lord You are my hope, your promise never fails me And my desire Is to follow you for - e - ver. For you are good For you are good For you are good to me For you are good For you are good For you are good to me.

The other day, I kid you not....this verse was on at least 4, maybe 5 of my FB friend's profiles.  It rightly speaks for itself.  Please continue to pray for my precious kiddos in these matters.  They are the most important ones....period!

John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”