I thought in light of some things that I have been facing recently, I would take this opportunity to switch gears for a minute and share on a slightly different topic. This journey has brought about many opportunities for growth, reflection, and healing and I've touched on some of those along the way. But, what some may not realize is that in God's plan, the things we gain may be so far from what we might expect. I'm not sure that this lesson is necessarily far off base, but it's certainly not one that I would have envisioned being a part of this process.
Care to take a little journey back in time with me?....Throughout my engagement, I was still in the beginning stages of my career. In fact, I was fresh out of my internship. And, I was able to work in that same place following the internship. And, I was lost! :) But, I worked with some knowledgeable folks and one of them in many ways took me under his wing to "train" me. It was one of my greatest experiences in the field. And, the added benefit to it is that is came with an awesome friendship.
Over the course of our working experience and our friendship there were many a moments that I would catch myself thinking, "this is the kind of relationship I want" and naively thinking this would someday happen with my then fiance. And, there were moments when I "felt" far more than I should as a friend and I would quickly push it away and try with every fiber in my being to ignore it. Why? Because I was engaged? Because in my mind that was wrong? Because I tried to bring in the doubt factor and brush it off? But, the bottom line is over time those feelings were very clear for me. That is not to say that I did not love my then fiance. It was confusing at best. But, I allowed myself to continue keeping it at bay rather than truly evaluating what I was experiencing and feeling.
On the grand ole wedding day, just moments before the big walk I began feeling this knot inside. I talked briefly about some of this in the beginning of my blog but certainly not about this particular aspect. I knew something was not "right" you might say and I felt this strong urge to stop the wedding but I didn't tell 'all' the why's. There was a big part of me that felt it wasn't fair to all those that had put forth so much time, energy, and dedication to making this day happen. There was a big part of me that didn't want to disappoint all those that had traveled near and far to share the day with us. Look at all the costs involved, surely this is what they call wedding jitters....writing all of this down seems so absurd yet I have found that this is a very common feeling from so many that walk down that isle when they know deep down that there is something not right about it and that it should not happen.
But, that wasn't all that was going on for me at that moment. I wanted more than anything to send someone for him so that I could talk to him right then and there. But, I didn't. I wanted to stop when I reached his seat walking down the isle, but I didn't. When the preacher said, "If there is anyone here that feels these two should not be married....." I so desperately hoped that he would speak up. And, when that silence led to the continuation of the marriage, my heart literally sank at that moment.
I literally had to grieve this loss. I was indeed very much in love with him. But, I sat in silence. I didn't even know that was possible until I experienced it....to be in love with one and to love another. The end result is that things did change for our friendship on down the road. And, I never told him the truth. It's the only thing I ever kept from him and eventually he found someone and got married himself. But, for me it was yet another lesson.
I allowed my fears to hold me back. And, look at the path I have endured. Don't get me wrong. I strongly believe that painful as it has been and still remains in many aspects, this path is what was necessary for me to get to where I am today. This path gave me 3 of the most precious gifts I could ever receive. This path has caused growth and healing in more ways than I ever dreamed possible. But, there's always that question in the back of my mind....
Life does not always present us with second chances. Oh, how absolutely wonderful that would be, but that is not always the case. So, for me the lesson here is to simply follow your heart. So, cliche huh? But, seriously....I didn't trust myself or maybe I didn't think enough of myself at the time to listen when everything inside was screaming at me. My life today is different. And, I can see it playing out in many ways already. I am grateful for that growth. And, my hope is that I will hang on to that lesson from this day forward. I didn't really see that one coming in the course of this divorce and the trials that have transpired as a result but it's valuable none the less.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
No Surprise Here
Here we go again: Wow! I received a call today from my attorney. Another motion has been filed to have me pay for his attorney fees associated with the motion we dropped. What?....Yes! It also came with the "final tally" of the costs incurred from the previous order in which I am to pay for his fees and the result is: AN ASTRONOMICAL AMOUNT that I would not be able to pay even if everything I could earn working 40 hours a week within a year went straight to him. More insanity at it's finest! I'm pretty sure that what they are asking for can not even be done in accordance to the law if I remember correctly. That; however, means nothing in light of what has already transpired in our case.
So, what's next? We respond tomorrow. There may be even more than a response at this point, but this is the beginning. Typically, this is not something that would have to be set for a hearing but it just may be given the circumstances. It really depends at this point. And, so....we wait.
I'm feeling okay for this moment. When reading through the motion and sorting through all of the lies that were included within that motion, I was literally trembling not from fear but just an involuntary reaction. Who knows what will happen! I think everyone knows my lack of faith in the system but I hang on to my faith in God!
For right now, I am okay and the fear does not exist. That comes from Him! That inner peace is priceless and it's His gift. That being said, I value your prayers. And, I'm asking that you pour on the prayers at this moment and throughout tomorrow and the remainder of this week. This can really go a few different ways. We are praying for the best in hopes that our response opens up the door for questions.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Psalm 5:10-12
12 Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
So, what's next? We respond tomorrow. There may be even more than a response at this point, but this is the beginning. Typically, this is not something that would have to be set for a hearing but it just may be given the circumstances. It really depends at this point. And, so....we wait.
I'm feeling okay for this moment. When reading through the motion and sorting through all of the lies that were included within that motion, I was literally trembling not from fear but just an involuntary reaction. Who knows what will happen! I think everyone knows my lack of faith in the system but I hang on to my faith in God!
For right now, I am okay and the fear does not exist. That comes from Him! That inner peace is priceless and it's His gift. That being said, I value your prayers. And, I'm asking that you pour on the prayers at this moment and throughout tomorrow and the remainder of this week. This can really go a few different ways. We are praying for the best in hopes that our response opens up the door for questions.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Psalm 5:10-12
New International Version (NIV)
10 Declare them guilty, O God!
Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
for they have rebelled against you.
11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
for they have rebelled against you.
11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Power to the People
This past weekend brought about the word empowerment in my life. It was a busy weekend, filled with lots of joys, lots of excitement, lots of activities, and lots of people. Empowerment by definition means:
Proverbs 1:5
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—
em·pow·er
verb (used with object)
1. to give power or authority to; authorize, especially by legal or official means: I empowered my agent to make the deal for me. The local ordinance empowers the board of health to close unsanitary restaurants.
2. to enable or permit: Wealth empowered him to live a comfortable life.
It has been more than extremely difficult to feel empowered by any stretch within this process because by the very nature of my ex's illness, he strips all power away. It is how he thrives and he will stop at nothing to make sure it happens. The level of manipulation and control that transpires in dealing with someone that has his illness sucks the very life out of anyone. And, trying to avoid it is next to impossible when you "must" be a part of their world. From a professional stand-point, you are told to avoid them at all costs. In my case, it's simply not possible.
But, this past weekend was different. For an entire weekend, everything that is all consuming in regards to this most bizarre case was put on the back-burner while life existed. I was able to experience one of the many joys of motherhood in watching my daughter celebrate life. I was able to see her joy as she created memories that will last. I was able to visit with other adults as well and just be.....without the heavy weight, the fears, and the burdens of what exists. What a treasure....the kind of treasure that holds value!
Empowerment of any capacity when one is in the midst of despair is amazing. And, experiencing it when involved with someone like my ex is nothing short of a miracle. I'll take it whenever I can get it! And, maybe I'm even creating it at this point as I have taken some steps to get outside of my comfort zone. The weekend prior to this one was also spent surrounded by friends which was good. It gives me that opportunity to simply live and that can not be controlled by another person.
There has been a pro-active shift in one area of my life as some of the pieces are starting to fall into place. More details on this to come in the near future but that in itself is another positive.
Please continue to pray for the most important factor: my children and their safety. But, I would also ask for your prayers that I continue to be open to His guidance on this area of my life and He knows the specifics.
Proverbs 1:5
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
If It Weren't for Bad Luck....
You know that saying, right? I'm starting to feel that way in light of today. Wow! Today, I was blown away....again and our lives now have the potential to be completely turned upside down....again. Did I mention....again? Yes, again!
I have no idea how today's news is going to turn out and so there is a part of me deep down that holds on to that peace that it's all going to be okay. I didn't become overly concerned today when I was hit upside the head with it, but the reality of how things have gone thus far does invoke quite a bit of fear on some levels. I simply do not trust our system at all!
Because of the complexities of the actual event and how it all plays out, the details can not be stated in a blog at this point although it is likely that on this topic, that will soon change. But, in short in the worst case scenario, we are potentially looking at possibilities of homelessness once again and further dangers to innocent lives all derived by choices being made by my ex. Remember my last entry on spite?....It's in full force.
EEK! Was the previous battle not heavy enough? Come on people...can I get a little breather here? Please?....
So, what's God doing right now? Ya wanna know?....I can only tell you portions because that's all that has been revealed but that little portion is enough for today. Remember my last entry? Remember the Hand of God? Remember the ability to focus on myself and my direction which has not been an easy task lately?
Well, it all factors into this event by God's perfect timing. The direction that I am feeling led to may very well be on track. The timing, although perfect in some sense doesn't add up to me in another sense but as I have learned I can not see that far ahead yet. I don't know what exactly is in front of me. And, therefore I must rely on faith again and trust in the process. And, to be more specific in this portion I will say that my chosen career is one that I simply have no desire to return to in terms of the working field. That has been a challenge for me. Growing up, I always knew what I wanted to do and I did it. I knew what my major was going to be when I started college and it never changed. I knew what my end goal was going to be and I accomplished it. And, after doing so and then choosing to become a stay at home mom, I then became very lost. Returning to my field was far from attractive but knowing where to go from here was more than confusing. I have contemplated three different options for quite some time now but have struggled to really know and feel that call in any one direction. In my latest research and in light of what occurred today, I can say that some things make more sense than others and that is where I base the statement that "the direction I am feeling led to may very well be on track." I don't know that for sure and I ask for your prayers in this area as well, that God will show me where I need to be at this time.
In the midst of unknowns, I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am taking the next right step and trying to rely on that faith. I am trying to listen which can be so very hard! And, this is all I know to do right now, until more is revealed.
My dear prayer warriors....I need you now! I don't want to lose all of these things again. I really do not want to go through that process all over, especially in terms of the effects it had on my kiddos. I feel like I'm at my wits end with the other stuff. Please pray that all things will indeed work out. Please pray that we will have and/or find the means to survive in the right time, that doors will open. Please continue to pray that the kiddos open up to the right professionals so that they can be protected. Please pray for my strength to continue through it all even when I do not feel it. And, thank you for being you! Know that you are very loved and appreciated!
This verse seems rather fitting yet again tonight:
I have no idea how today's news is going to turn out and so there is a part of me deep down that holds on to that peace that it's all going to be okay. I didn't become overly concerned today when I was hit upside the head with it, but the reality of how things have gone thus far does invoke quite a bit of fear on some levels. I simply do not trust our system at all!
Because of the complexities of the actual event and how it all plays out, the details can not be stated in a blog at this point although it is likely that on this topic, that will soon change. But, in short in the worst case scenario, we are potentially looking at possibilities of homelessness once again and further dangers to innocent lives all derived by choices being made by my ex. Remember my last entry on spite?....It's in full force.
EEK! Was the previous battle not heavy enough? Come on people...can I get a little breather here? Please?....
So, what's God doing right now? Ya wanna know?....I can only tell you portions because that's all that has been revealed but that little portion is enough for today. Remember my last entry? Remember the Hand of God? Remember the ability to focus on myself and my direction which has not been an easy task lately?
Well, it all factors into this event by God's perfect timing. The direction that I am feeling led to may very well be on track. The timing, although perfect in some sense doesn't add up to me in another sense but as I have learned I can not see that far ahead yet. I don't know what exactly is in front of me. And, therefore I must rely on faith again and trust in the process. And, to be more specific in this portion I will say that my chosen career is one that I simply have no desire to return to in terms of the working field. That has been a challenge for me. Growing up, I always knew what I wanted to do and I did it. I knew what my major was going to be when I started college and it never changed. I knew what my end goal was going to be and I accomplished it. And, after doing so and then choosing to become a stay at home mom, I then became very lost. Returning to my field was far from attractive but knowing where to go from here was more than confusing. I have contemplated three different options for quite some time now but have struggled to really know and feel that call in any one direction. In my latest research and in light of what occurred today, I can say that some things make more sense than others and that is where I base the statement that "the direction I am feeling led to may very well be on track." I don't know that for sure and I ask for your prayers in this area as well, that God will show me where I need to be at this time.
In the midst of unknowns, I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am taking the next right step and trying to rely on that faith. I am trying to listen which can be so very hard! And, this is all I know to do right now, until more is revealed.
My dear prayer warriors....I need you now! I don't want to lose all of these things again. I really do not want to go through that process all over, especially in terms of the effects it had on my kiddos. I feel like I'm at my wits end with the other stuff. Please pray that all things will indeed work out. Please pray that we will have and/or find the means to survive in the right time, that doors will open. Please continue to pray that the kiddos open up to the right professionals so that they can be protected. Please pray for my strength to continue through it all even when I do not feel it. And, thank you for being you! Know that you are very loved and appreciated!
This verse seems rather fitting yet again tonight:
Hebrews 11
New International Version (NIV)
Faith in Action
11 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.Monday, September 24, 2012
The Hand of God
Last week was tough in the beginning and quite emotional. By mid week, there was a moment of change and a shift. And, that moment of change was exactly what I needed at the exact right moment.
Ya tired of hearing about all of this yet?....Try living it! That was pretty much a part of where I was at that pivotal moment. I was so very, very tired. I just wanted it all to go away. The feelings of helplessness and failure are almost unbearable at times and short of a miracle, my only options to make the change necessary would most certainly be criminal. To say it's difficult to be in this spot is kind of like saying water is wet. But, then there was that moment....
In some of the greatest despair, I was given a powerful reminder of a loved one that had long since made his journey to be with God. And, in those moments I felt a hand literally touch me. A touch of love, a touch of compassion, a touch of healing, a touch of warmth. A touch from God?....I looked but saw nothing. Yet, no one could ever convince me that He doesn't exist or that miracles do not exist. I know at that moment, relief washed over me much like it does when I feel the power of all the many prayers being lifted on our behalf. And, that relief lasted throughout the remainder of the week and through the weekend.
I struggled on whether or not to share this experience given it's very personal nature yet I vowed to be open and honest as much as I'm able when I began this blog. And, I also felt that given the reality that good news has been so hard to come by in this case this event may be powerful to share. It solidifies the words of God in how He is always with us no matter what obstacles or trials we may be enduring. And, sometimes a gentle reminder is all we need.
This event gave me the freedom to shift my focus for the remainder of last week. I was able to focus on my daughter's health concerns, my oldest son's struggles, and my baby's intense needs. I was also able to focus a bit on me and some of my direction at this point which has been quite confusing for longer than I'd care to admit. And, it was all good!
Today was tough! It was as "Monday" as Monday can get and I struggled. The emotions came rolling back in and I very much wanted to go and lash out at my ex in hopes that it would somehow make me feel better but I know that's not the answer. On the other extreme, I question if it is my role to pray for my ex in all of his dangerous revenge and spiteful nature. I've been successful once or twice with a sincere heart but I really struggle with this one. I struggle a lot. And, forgiving him knowing the behaviors continue is a concept that my brain can not grasp.
I realized over the weekend, that taking care of me must be more of a priority. It was good for me to get out of my comfort zone a bit. It is necessary for me to process more with folks not only for the genuineness of relationships, but for more healing to transpire as a result (and more healing than can occur hiding behind the computer screen). And, this last weekend was a step in the right direction. I fully believe the "shift" helped me in that process. And, I thank God for that experience.
My prayers continue to be for the innocent and that they will be empowered to share their truths with the right people so that the end can take place and the new beginnings can unfold.
Ya tired of hearing about all of this yet?....Try living it! That was pretty much a part of where I was at that pivotal moment. I was so very, very tired. I just wanted it all to go away. The feelings of helplessness and failure are almost unbearable at times and short of a miracle, my only options to make the change necessary would most certainly be criminal. To say it's difficult to be in this spot is kind of like saying water is wet. But, then there was that moment....
In some of the greatest despair, I was given a powerful reminder of a loved one that had long since made his journey to be with God. And, in those moments I felt a hand literally touch me. A touch of love, a touch of compassion, a touch of healing, a touch of warmth. A touch from God?....I looked but saw nothing. Yet, no one could ever convince me that He doesn't exist or that miracles do not exist. I know at that moment, relief washed over me much like it does when I feel the power of all the many prayers being lifted on our behalf. And, that relief lasted throughout the remainder of the week and through the weekend.
I struggled on whether or not to share this experience given it's very personal nature yet I vowed to be open and honest as much as I'm able when I began this blog. And, I also felt that given the reality that good news has been so hard to come by in this case this event may be powerful to share. It solidifies the words of God in how He is always with us no matter what obstacles or trials we may be enduring. And, sometimes a gentle reminder is all we need.
This event gave me the freedom to shift my focus for the remainder of last week. I was able to focus on my daughter's health concerns, my oldest son's struggles, and my baby's intense needs. I was also able to focus a bit on me and some of my direction at this point which has been quite confusing for longer than I'd care to admit. And, it was all good!
Today was tough! It was as "Monday" as Monday can get and I struggled. The emotions came rolling back in and I very much wanted to go and lash out at my ex in hopes that it would somehow make me feel better but I know that's not the answer. On the other extreme, I question if it is my role to pray for my ex in all of his dangerous revenge and spiteful nature. I've been successful once or twice with a sincere heart but I really struggle with this one. I struggle a lot. And, forgiving him knowing the behaviors continue is a concept that my brain can not grasp.
I realized over the weekend, that taking care of me must be more of a priority. It was good for me to get out of my comfort zone a bit. It is necessary for me to process more with folks not only for the genuineness of relationships, but for more healing to transpire as a result (and more healing than can occur hiding behind the computer screen). And, this last weekend was a step in the right direction. I fully believe the "shift" helped me in that process. And, I thank God for that experience.
My prayers continue to be for the innocent and that they will be empowered to share their truths with the right people so that the end can take place and the new beginnings can unfold.
1 Chronicles 16:11-13
New International Version (NIV)
11 Look to the Lord and his strength;
seek his face always.
seek his face always.
12 Remember the wonders he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Okay, So I'm Human
Today was another tough day, a tough day that followed a tough week. There was a day this past week that I was absolutely furious! Yeah, I know right....ME? Yep! Angry as all get out. And, I think it's pretty safe to say rightly so....angry that our case has gone through so many dirty hands and unethical practices. Angry that the law has yet to be upheld. Angry that my ex continues to get away with so many things that are so far from okay including outright contempt of nearly every order within our judgment. Angry that our system can not/will not protect the innocent lives that are so important. And, angry that I am completely helpless at this point as a mother and unable to do what a parent has every right to do in such circumstances.
There was also a moment within that anger that I felt this relief wash over me, almost all of a sudden. I vividly remember that moment and I sat down to thank God. And, although I did not say so at the time, I was thanking all of my prayer warriors in that moment because I know that the relief comes from those constant prayers and the most amazing Father ever.
It was certainly not an end to all of the emotions from this journey. But, I greatly treasure those moments. Today, was yet another day filled with emotion. I woke up nearly on the verge of tears. I struggled to keep my composure all day long. And, I did not gain any relief until this evening. The exact "what" behind it is remains uncertain. Maybe it's just in general given all that is going on. Maybe it's more specific to the nightmares my daughter has faced all throughout this week. Maybe it's the struggles I see in my oldest kiddo. I don't suppose it's even vital that I can accurately pinpoint it right now so much as it is vital that I allow myself to walk through it.
It's not an easy road. It's not a road I want to travel. But, it's the path I'm on and it's my role as a parent, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a teacher, and most importantly a Christian to walk through it in a way that is pleasing to God. I don't always do that successfully. But, when I have those moments that are not pleasing to Him, I try learn from them, grow from them, and continue striving to do what is right.
I continue to pray that our journey is near an end and brighter days filled with God's mercy and safety are very near. And, I also continue to pray that this journey will somehow in some way help others that struggle. I would never pray this battle on anyone, but all of our journey's through life are meant to be shared with others. My prayer is that this one will in some way help others that may be struggling to know that you are never alone. No matter what the struggle, knowing the reasons may never come to light. But, there is purpose. There is purpose. There is always opportunity for growth. And, God will be with us in every aspect.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
There was also a moment within that anger that I felt this relief wash over me, almost all of a sudden. I vividly remember that moment and I sat down to thank God. And, although I did not say so at the time, I was thanking all of my prayer warriors in that moment because I know that the relief comes from those constant prayers and the most amazing Father ever.
It was certainly not an end to all of the emotions from this journey. But, I greatly treasure those moments. Today, was yet another day filled with emotion. I woke up nearly on the verge of tears. I struggled to keep my composure all day long. And, I did not gain any relief until this evening. The exact "what" behind it is remains uncertain. Maybe it's just in general given all that is going on. Maybe it's more specific to the nightmares my daughter has faced all throughout this week. Maybe it's the struggles I see in my oldest kiddo. I don't suppose it's even vital that I can accurately pinpoint it right now so much as it is vital that I allow myself to walk through it.
It's not an easy road. It's not a road I want to travel. But, it's the path I'm on and it's my role as a parent, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a teacher, and most importantly a Christian to walk through it in a way that is pleasing to God. I don't always do that successfully. But, when I have those moments that are not pleasing to Him, I try learn from them, grow from them, and continue striving to do what is right.
I continue to pray that our journey is near an end and brighter days filled with God's mercy and safety are very near. And, I also continue to pray that this journey will somehow in some way help others that struggle. I would never pray this battle on anyone, but all of our journey's through life are meant to be shared with others. My prayer is that this one will in some way help others that may be struggling to know that you are never alone. No matter what the struggle, knowing the reasons may never come to light. But, there is purpose. There is purpose. There is always opportunity for growth. And, God will be with us in every aspect.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Serving his Sentence
What a day, what a day! Last week was filled with many long days and nights of preparation as yet another court day approaches. The emotions overflowed as I was reminded of every bitter detail of what has been and is transpiring within our lives. This is only the second motion I have filed against my ex, both of which are contempt. It truly should be a case of 'here ya go, Judge,' case closed. Yet, on Sunday these feelings of massive anxiety started swarming in....my little warning signal you could say....danger, danger! The fears set in....
Yesterday in talking with my attorney, I discover those feelings are not mine alone. It was decided today that we should not go to court tomorrow. And, the bottom line behind it is that the Judge would almost certainly throw me in jail. Yes, you heard me right. I know some of you are going back already trying to re-read and see what exactly it is that you missed. You didn't....trust me. It's more of insanity at it's finest. But, it's also reality. My ex is in clear contempt of nearly everything within the court papers and YES, we can prove it. However, it's not "big enough" in light of the stage that has been set.
We must hold on. We must wait some more. I must continue to endure the abuse at his hands and I must continue to allow other things to keep transpiring at this point. There is no other 'legal' option right now. And, that is a hard pill to swallow. I don't understand. I don't agree. I do feel helpless many days. I do grieve. I do desire it all to be behind us. But, I have to, hard as it is, continue to trust.
God has a plan. There are so many days that I so wish I knew what that plan was all about but I am very lost in that department. I see the little things within it all, the growth, the eye opening experiences, the change in me, the willingness & openness to listen to Him more, and sometimes that is enough. But, to say I do not struggle would be a lie. All of the other battles aside, I want one thing. Many know what that is and it continues to be my prayer constantly. My hope is that 'that' prayer will be answered now.
Driving home today filled with painful emotions, I flipped to my Urbana CD. I was fortunate enough to be able to experience Urbana in my college years and they sang many songs that really touched me then and continue to throughout my life today. One of them was Good to Me. Today, it seemed most appropriate.
I cry out
for your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak
I need your love to free me
Oh Lord, my rock
My strength in weakness,
Come rescue me oh Lord
You are my hope,
your promise never fails me
And my desire
Is to follow you for - e - ver.
For you are good
For you are good
For you are good to me
For you are good
For you are good
For you are good to me.
The other day, I kid you not....this verse was on at least 4, maybe 5 of my FB friend's profiles. It rightly speaks for itself. Please continue to pray for my precious kiddos in these matters. They are the most important ones....period!
John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Yesterday in talking with my attorney, I discover those feelings are not mine alone. It was decided today that we should not go to court tomorrow. And, the bottom line behind it is that the Judge would almost certainly throw me in jail. Yes, you heard me right. I know some of you are going back already trying to re-read and see what exactly it is that you missed. You didn't....trust me. It's more of insanity at it's finest. But, it's also reality. My ex is in clear contempt of nearly everything within the court papers and YES, we can prove it. However, it's not "big enough" in light of the stage that has been set.
We must hold on. We must wait some more. I must continue to endure the abuse at his hands and I must continue to allow other things to keep transpiring at this point. There is no other 'legal' option right now. And, that is a hard pill to swallow. I don't understand. I don't agree. I do feel helpless many days. I do grieve. I do desire it all to be behind us. But, I have to, hard as it is, continue to trust.
God has a plan. There are so many days that I so wish I knew what that plan was all about but I am very lost in that department. I see the little things within it all, the growth, the eye opening experiences, the change in me, the willingness & openness to listen to Him more, and sometimes that is enough. But, to say I do not struggle would be a lie. All of the other battles aside, I want one thing. Many know what that is and it continues to be my prayer constantly. My hope is that 'that' prayer will be answered now.
Driving home today filled with painful emotions, I flipped to my Urbana CD. I was fortunate enough to be able to experience Urbana in my college years and they sang many songs that really touched me then and continue to throughout my life today. One of them was Good to Me. Today, it seemed most appropriate.
Good to Meby Craig Musseau |
The other day, I kid you not....this verse was on at least 4, maybe 5 of my FB friend's profiles. It rightly speaks for itself. Please continue to pray for my precious kiddos in these matters. They are the most important ones....period!
John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
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