That miracle did not happen in my time and I can not even begin to put into words how very painful this event was for me. On some levels, I wondered how in the world I would make it through this weekend. And, on others I knew that God was still very much in control. My peace within existed, yet my fears wavered.
I had great opportunities for distraction which helped in many ways even though it could not erase the burden on my heart. I struggled. And, unable to sleep found myself experiencing all the emotions again. There are so many questions, so many "are you kidding me?" moments, so many unjust outcomes thus far.
I heard this song this morning on the radio and found myself not only relating heavily but finding slight comfort within it's message: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ. (Laura Story--Blessings) What if these trials are your mercy's in disguise? It kind of coincides with a message that came to me in the beginning of this journey 3 years ago. I heard this message and I suppose you could say it was direct from God, but it came to me that I would have to lose everything to gain it all.
I didn't know exactly what that meant but over the past 3 years I have come to understand a great deal of that message. I have lost so much. I went from a "life of luxury" if you will to poverty. I lost my home. I lost my church family by being cast out. I lost many, many friends. I lost my life savings. I lost my children's educational funds. I lost many monetary items. I even lost my state license to practice. And, yet I feel as though I have more than I ever did before. Up until this past court date, I have not felt that the end was quite here. But, in light of the latest loss, I now question is this it? Please, Dear Lord....let this be it!
For in this last ruling, I have lost more than my mind can fathom. There are some aspects of loss that I have not yet discussed with others but it may be the cornerstone for me in this journey. It is an area that I continue to pray about and seek answers and it is an area that is tough to digest. The other aspects of loss are obvious and I grieve along with many others that know the fine details and fail to comprehend just as much as I do.
I am tired! I am so, so very tired. The journey takes it all out of me. And, yet central themes/messages continue to prevail. The topic of today's sermon was Hebrews 12:1-3.
It states, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And, let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of highest honor beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up."
How very powerful is that....and at the most perfect time! There is that part of me that wants to give up just so that it will end. But, that's not the answer and much as I would like it to be that simple, it simply is not. I must persevere. I must continue to move forward not for me, but for my children. What an amazing strength they provide. And, I must do so in the right manner because it is a testament of faith. I do believe in God. I do believe He has a purpose in all of these trials. And, I must continue to trust that hard as it is, and live each day according to His will and His plan and hope that I will be able to one day see the full picture and understand.
All praise and glory be to God!
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