This year is fast approaching it's final hours and I am in no way sad about that in any capacity. This has been a difficult year and this holiday season has been extreme, maybe the hardest I've ever experienced on some levels. And, right now that remains heavy on my heart.
It was certainly a different Christmas this year not having those precious little ones around. And, if that wasn't enough for one day a nice, unexpected trip to the ER came to be just to make life interesting. By the time I was released, the ground was completely covered with tons of snow and I had no other option but to attempt driving it after having experienced the morphine haze just an hour or so before. The ten minute drive home took 2 hours but I made it, after several re-routes. And, luckily I returned to a home with power in a time when most were without.
This is the time that I typically write out all those new resolutions....one's that I typically fulfill with success. But, not this year. This year is by far very different. Making resolutions is the last thing on my mind or in my heart. Survival is more fitting right now. Certain questions have come to mind for me recently within this season of trials.
I feel weak during this time and each day is an accomplishment in and of itself. It's a place I do not like in the least but in this process I have discovered (or maybe re-discovered) an area of life that is a struggle....leaning on others. I am so used to pushing forward, standing strong, however you want to view it that I simply do not stop for me. The downfall to this method is that eventually, life will hit in such a way that a minor event can make a huge impact. Such is the case for me this season. (Or maybe I'm just down-playing the event....none the less....)
But, how do you stop and lean? How do you allow others to help carry you when your strength is gone? How do you let others build you back up? It's not always easy and for some, it's downright difficult. Yes, I try to lean on God. But, God also made us relational people and we are supposed to trust in one another and help others when needed. It's difficult to be vulnerable. The writing of this entry is quite vulnerable and one that may not be easy to push the final "publish" button at the very end but it's still 'safer' than that face to face relational method. This is my struggle.
And, maybe this will end up being one of my resolutions....striving to lean more on those that are a part of my life. But, for now I know that I'm still in a time of struggle....a time when it feels that all strength is gone....a time when making it through the day or even the next hour is huge and I do not like this place nor do most people enjoy seeing others in this place. I guess that is a part of the struggle right there....feeling as though others should not have to be burdened by my own struggles.
I know I am blessed by many great folks in my life. It's up to me to allow them to be a part of "all" my life and not just the good. Easy said.... This blog was in part a way of allowing others to be a part of my faith journey but it also keeps me from having to voice it which is an important part of the journey too. This is my extremely vulnerable, last post of the year. My hopes are that I will grow in this area in the upcoming year and allow others to be more of a part of "every" aspect of my life. My hopes are that I will allow others to help carry me when it is needed, to lean when necessary, and to know that it is okay.
Until then, I know today is an exceptionally hard day. I pray that is not the case for you. May you be blessed with a wonderful and Happy New Year! Stay Safe!
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Grief Magnifies
I write today with a heart filled with grief. Things have changed yet again. There are now two pending motions before the courts. This is not necessarily a negative thing as it means we at least have opportunity to bring up the outrageous motion before the courts and as a second plus, to do so in front of a new Judge. The down side of this is that it did not sit well with the other party and retaliation upon the innocent was the result. That breaks my heart! It is not right. It is not just. It is not fair. And, I have no way of preventing it as a result of everything that has transpired.
That being said, the new preparations for the new motions begin....here we are again. And, to say that there are fears involved in the outcome of this one would be a huge understatement as this outcome could completely change our entire world in the blink of an eye. The fears of how we will take the next steps are ever present and we aren't even there at this point. The outcome is unknown but those fears exist. And, while I have tried to prepare for this moment over the course of the past year, I have been met with one closed door after another each and every time.
My heart is heavily burdened right now and this in only one area. But, my experience is that because of the burdens I am currently experiencing, the grief of this seems so much greater. Loss is a hard concept, no matter what the loss may be and when you couple it with this time of year and other stressors it's just hard. I have witnessed so many people lately that are also struggling with grief of some kind and it seems that many are struggling during this season. My heart goes out to them as well. Not only that, but we as a nation experienced a recent swarm of grief by the actions that took place to such precious, innocent lives.
I'm not sure that I really have any words of wisdom at this point. I'm not in the place to even attempt. But, I do know that I have turned to God on all of the matters. This is all that I know to do sometimes. I know that I feel weak to my very core and it's uncomfortable at best. I know that God's in control but that does not remove the pain. I know I have to walk through it but stumbling and crawling are methods that seem to make it all the worse. I know this is not forever, but right now it's intense. I imagine that for me personally, it was long overdue. I know that I try so hard to remain so strong that I sometimes forget I'm human. And, at some point, those emotions simply take over and I have to go through the process.
This has proven to be a very difficult holiday season. And, we're not quite through it yet. But, this is all a part of the being genuine aspect of this blog. If I simply skip over this portion and wait until the next event, then I am not being real. There are portions of our faith journey's that are far more difficult than we'd like to admit. And, here I am! And, I will continue to pray, to seek His guidance, and to breathe as sometimes in these moments that is all that I can do.
May your holiday be filled with joy and most importantly Christ! Blessings to all!
Psalm 31:9
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.
Psalm 88:9
My eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.
Psalm 35:14
I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother.
That being said, the new preparations for the new motions begin....here we are again. And, to say that there are fears involved in the outcome of this one would be a huge understatement as this outcome could completely change our entire world in the blink of an eye. The fears of how we will take the next steps are ever present and we aren't even there at this point. The outcome is unknown but those fears exist. And, while I have tried to prepare for this moment over the course of the past year, I have been met with one closed door after another each and every time.
My heart is heavily burdened right now and this in only one area. But, my experience is that because of the burdens I am currently experiencing, the grief of this seems so much greater. Loss is a hard concept, no matter what the loss may be and when you couple it with this time of year and other stressors it's just hard. I have witnessed so many people lately that are also struggling with grief of some kind and it seems that many are struggling during this season. My heart goes out to them as well. Not only that, but we as a nation experienced a recent swarm of grief by the actions that took place to such precious, innocent lives.
I'm not sure that I really have any words of wisdom at this point. I'm not in the place to even attempt. But, I do know that I have turned to God on all of the matters. This is all that I know to do sometimes. I know that I feel weak to my very core and it's uncomfortable at best. I know that God's in control but that does not remove the pain. I know I have to walk through it but stumbling and crawling are methods that seem to make it all the worse. I know this is not forever, but right now it's intense. I imagine that for me personally, it was long overdue. I know that I try so hard to remain so strong that I sometimes forget I'm human. And, at some point, those emotions simply take over and I have to go through the process.
This has proven to be a very difficult holiday season. And, we're not quite through it yet. But, this is all a part of the being genuine aspect of this blog. If I simply skip over this portion and wait until the next event, then I am not being real. There are portions of our faith journey's that are far more difficult than we'd like to admit. And, here I am! And, I will continue to pray, to seek His guidance, and to breathe as sometimes in these moments that is all that I can do.
May your holiday be filled with joy and most importantly Christ! Blessings to all!
Psalm 31:9
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.
Psalm 88:9
My eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.
Psalm 35:14
I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Miracles
It's been an entire month since my last post....wow! Time flies, especially this time of year. And, many things have happened in the past month. So, here's a little update on the court stuff: The huge, astronomical, overwhelming amount that the ex is proposing I pay?....The amount that should have to go before the courts with a trial to get a ruling?....Well, that's not going to happen! In light of yet another move made by the opposing, some wording and such of the legal matters were thrown around and it is now up to 'Sir Judge Hates Me Much' to simply make her own ruling by filling in the blank on the $$$ slot and signing it to make it official. No pressure there, eh? I continue to sit back waiting and praying that the Lord will shine down in this process. This Judge will no longer be here at the end of this year. Maybe just maybe, this can and will wait for a new Judge if that is the best thing. The news of something of this nature is not something I'm sure I really want this time of year.
And, in light of this bit of information, it is most definite at this point that the new motion made by opposing will not be heard until next year with a new Judge. Thank you to all my mighty prayer warriors on this aspect alone. I trust that this was the best route! And, I continue to trust that good things will come in the days ahead.
Today is the first day of Advent and I had the privilege to hear about miracles and the need for them today. I thought it only fitting to share some of the miracles that have been occurring in my life here recently and the ones I continue to pray about each day.
Last month we had our first major "home repair" of sorts to deal with as the main sewer line became blocked. That there is messy business! Bleck! The back-up that occurred within our home was not the worst issue per say as the home owner's only covers the actual 'unblocking of the pipe' so long as the pipe is above ground level, which ours was not and in addition to this, we had a broken pipe. Where you might ask? It was beneath the porch....of concrete. Oh yes! In addition to this we needed brakes, almost immediately. These were two major events that could not be ignored for obvious reasons and when you couple it with everyday life even without the court related stuff....well, we've all been there right?
But, miracles do happen. The funds for the brakes were provided per an interest free loan, one that is manageable. The funds for the sewer mess became available from God. Literally....a man of God (one that hardly knows me) with a heart of service sent the funds....period. Unbelievable! I read about these things and here I am living it today. I say from God because to see how it all played out and the timing....it was just God! A week or so after this event transpired, I received what I thought was my first Christmas card in the mail. It wasn't just any card though....it was a gift. An organization that is geared towards Homeschooler's sent us a gift of Christmas money for the kids this year. This is their service. And, it was totally unexpected and brought many emotionally unexplainable tears to my eyes. How did they pick us? Who am I to receive such blessings? I'm just another person trying to do the next right thing. To say I've had gratitude would be an understatement.
There are other miracles that have been traspiring as well. Dating, is one of them. Yep, there was a time that I got extremely comfortable without it and thought maybe never again is not so bad. LOL! But, I did eventually get back out there. And, the first couple of dates were first and last! Wow! There are some interesting people out there for sure. A wise man said, "You're picker is more refined now. It can weed out the bull." Maybe this is true! But, what's that saying....three's a charm? Maybe there is some truth to that one. The third date was a good one. And, there have been many additional dates with Numero Tres. It's a lot different these days to date. Maybe due to some of that gained "wisdom", maybe the changing of the times, maybe because I'm a parent now, or likely all of the above. But, in short....it's been fun. This I do call a miracle! :)
But, this morning as I was listening to the miracles needed for others and thinking about the miracles I continue to prayer for each day this is what came to mind for me: I have three of the most precious miracles I could ever hope for in life. And, as a parent I watched each of my miracles face some medical issues, each kiddo a little more challenging in that venue than the next and ultimately leading to my baby being on the brink of life, fighting to sustain during the initial 24 -48 hour window while my heart was completely torn in that NICU for two weeks. There's not a moment that goes by that I can not vividly recall sitting on the fence that Saturday with that question, "Do we go in to the clinic today or wait until Monday?" with the words of our Pediatrician ringing in my ears, "If you had waited even one day....the outcome would have been VERY different!" My three miracles have all overcome many medical challenges. What could have been VERY different, is a bright and funny, full of life little boy now. These are my miracles and they are the ones that I must protect. These are the miracles that the system won't "allow" me to protect.
So, as I was sitting there this morning listening, I was reflecting on the overall theme that has been transparent over the course of this journey....our need for miracles. It's a different kind of miracle because it's not about a medical issue. But, it is about the life, safety, and well being of miracles. I have prayed just as many of my faithful prayer warriors have prayed over and over for this miracle to take place. I want my kiddos to be safe....period! I have prayed specific prayers, I've prayed whatever is in the best interest prayers, and I've prayed general prayers. But, overall....it is a miracle that we are seeking. In the depths of what seems the impossible, we need a miracle. And, so my prayers continue. I have not lost hope, though at times I struggle. I know that God is still in control even when I do not understand.
May you be blessed with any miracles that you may need during this time as well! I love this time of year! And, I love all of my faithful friends and family that have helped me to stand strong through it all!
Psalm 77:11
I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
Psalm 77:14
You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
Psalm 105:5
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced.
And, in light of this bit of information, it is most definite at this point that the new motion made by opposing will not be heard until next year with a new Judge. Thank you to all my mighty prayer warriors on this aspect alone. I trust that this was the best route! And, I continue to trust that good things will come in the days ahead.
Today is the first day of Advent and I had the privilege to hear about miracles and the need for them today. I thought it only fitting to share some of the miracles that have been occurring in my life here recently and the ones I continue to pray about each day.
Last month we had our first major "home repair" of sorts to deal with as the main sewer line became blocked. That there is messy business! Bleck! The back-up that occurred within our home was not the worst issue per say as the home owner's only covers the actual 'unblocking of the pipe' so long as the pipe is above ground level, which ours was not and in addition to this, we had a broken pipe. Where you might ask? It was beneath the porch....of concrete. Oh yes! In addition to this we needed brakes, almost immediately. These were two major events that could not be ignored for obvious reasons and when you couple it with everyday life even without the court related stuff....well, we've all been there right?
But, miracles do happen. The funds for the brakes were provided per an interest free loan, one that is manageable. The funds for the sewer mess became available from God. Literally....a man of God (one that hardly knows me) with a heart of service sent the funds....period. Unbelievable! I read about these things and here I am living it today. I say from God because to see how it all played out and the timing....it was just God! A week or so after this event transpired, I received what I thought was my first Christmas card in the mail. It wasn't just any card though....it was a gift. An organization that is geared towards Homeschooler's sent us a gift of Christmas money for the kids this year. This is their service. And, it was totally unexpected and brought many emotionally unexplainable tears to my eyes. How did they pick us? Who am I to receive such blessings? I'm just another person trying to do the next right thing. To say I've had gratitude would be an understatement.
There are other miracles that have been traspiring as well. Dating, is one of them. Yep, there was a time that I got extremely comfortable without it and thought maybe never again is not so bad. LOL! But, I did eventually get back out there. And, the first couple of dates were first and last! Wow! There are some interesting people out there for sure. A wise man said, "You're picker is more refined now. It can weed out the bull." Maybe this is true! But, what's that saying....three's a charm? Maybe there is some truth to that one. The third date was a good one. And, there have been many additional dates with Numero Tres. It's a lot different these days to date. Maybe due to some of that gained "wisdom", maybe the changing of the times, maybe because I'm a parent now, or likely all of the above. But, in short....it's been fun. This I do call a miracle! :)
But, this morning as I was listening to the miracles needed for others and thinking about the miracles I continue to prayer for each day this is what came to mind for me: I have three of the most precious miracles I could ever hope for in life. And, as a parent I watched each of my miracles face some medical issues, each kiddo a little more challenging in that venue than the next and ultimately leading to my baby being on the brink of life, fighting to sustain during the initial 24 -48 hour window while my heart was completely torn in that NICU for two weeks. There's not a moment that goes by that I can not vividly recall sitting on the fence that Saturday with that question, "Do we go in to the clinic today or wait until Monday?" with the words of our Pediatrician ringing in my ears, "If you had waited even one day....the outcome would have been VERY different!" My three miracles have all overcome many medical challenges. What could have been VERY different, is a bright and funny, full of life little boy now. These are my miracles and they are the ones that I must protect. These are the miracles that the system won't "allow" me to protect.
So, as I was sitting there this morning listening, I was reflecting on the overall theme that has been transparent over the course of this journey....our need for miracles. It's a different kind of miracle because it's not about a medical issue. But, it is about the life, safety, and well being of miracles. I have prayed just as many of my faithful prayer warriors have prayed over and over for this miracle to take place. I want my kiddos to be safe....period! I have prayed specific prayers, I've prayed whatever is in the best interest prayers, and I've prayed general prayers. But, overall....it is a miracle that we are seeking. In the depths of what seems the impossible, we need a miracle. And, so my prayers continue. I have not lost hope, though at times I struggle. I know that God is still in control even when I do not understand.
May you be blessed with any miracles that you may need during this time as well! I love this time of year! And, I love all of my faithful friends and family that have helped me to stand strong through it all!
Psalm 77:11
I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
Psalm 77:14
You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
Psalm 105:5
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
When It Rains, It Pours
This past month has been marvelous in many, many ways! Although I've known a new court date would be up and coming in the near future to have a month of reprieve was unbelievable and the weight was lifted from me during that time. October was a busy, busy month for us but in a good way. There were so many great things I got to do with the kiddos and just be able to spend that quality time with them and enjoy their laughter. Thank you, Lord!
About mid-month the "rain" began. You know those moments when one thing breaks and all the rest follow suite?....This has been transpiring and I have wondered how exactly to address them all. It has not been a 'huge' ordeal per-say, until I see them all piled up together staring at me with their creepy, little eyes and their devilish grins. Okay, not really....but it can be overwhelming.
And, today topped the cake. I've been served....AGAIN!!! I knew it was coming and I knew exactly what it would be but it didn't lessen the blow. It's frightening to say the least! And, so my faith walk just got escalated ten fold. It's not just a matter of what the Judge will say this time, but also how we will obtain the resources to make the fight, whether or not we will face the same Judge, and how in the midst of it all the "rain" will dry.
What's the scoop on the Judge in question you ask?....Our Judge is retiring at the end of the year. That's right, ANOTHER new Judge! And, I have mixed feelings about it. Certainly this Judge has not been one that gave a fair ruling in light of the case at hand, but it also stands true that this Judge has yet to hear the truth. Then again, it was this Judge that refused to allow the truth to be presented in the court room. When I find myself in these circumstances, I can not help but wander if things would change entirely if in light of new "truths" coming out in the court room and more of the ex's personality being revealed surely a Judge would at some point take a stand and say ENOUGH already. But, it also may be very likely that a new Judge will be the one to see through it all.
My experience has obviously not been favorable thus far. And, because I don't know what the best option would be this is why I pray and pray and pray!!! Given the timing of the motion and the fact that there is another matter before the court that will likely turn into a hearing as well, it is very possible that the court date will not be until the first of the year which would definitely mean a new Judge. I'm just praying and asking for your prayers as well, that the best option is what will transpire.
My life continues on in the midst and although the weight fell back upon me today, I still press forward. I must continue to do the next right thing and trust. In this season of Thanks with all that is going on, I will say that I am Thankful for 3 of the most precious kiddos ever that love me unconditionally, that teach me about life every day, and that share the most contagious laughter. And, I am Thankful for the most amazing prayer warriors that have stood by my side in the midst of all these trials, that encourage me, that inspire me to continue living for and in Him, and that love me when I struggle in all areas.
Psalm 69:30
I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.
Psalm 95:2
Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.
About mid-month the "rain" began. You know those moments when one thing breaks and all the rest follow suite?....This has been transpiring and I have wondered how exactly to address them all. It has not been a 'huge' ordeal per-say, until I see them all piled up together staring at me with their creepy, little eyes and their devilish grins. Okay, not really....but it can be overwhelming.
And, today topped the cake. I've been served....AGAIN!!! I knew it was coming and I knew exactly what it would be but it didn't lessen the blow. It's frightening to say the least! And, so my faith walk just got escalated ten fold. It's not just a matter of what the Judge will say this time, but also how we will obtain the resources to make the fight, whether or not we will face the same Judge, and how in the midst of it all the "rain" will dry.
What's the scoop on the Judge in question you ask?....Our Judge is retiring at the end of the year. That's right, ANOTHER new Judge! And, I have mixed feelings about it. Certainly this Judge has not been one that gave a fair ruling in light of the case at hand, but it also stands true that this Judge has yet to hear the truth. Then again, it was this Judge that refused to allow the truth to be presented in the court room. When I find myself in these circumstances, I can not help but wander if things would change entirely if in light of new "truths" coming out in the court room and more of the ex's personality being revealed surely a Judge would at some point take a stand and say ENOUGH already. But, it also may be very likely that a new Judge will be the one to see through it all.
My experience has obviously not been favorable thus far. And, because I don't know what the best option would be this is why I pray and pray and pray!!! Given the timing of the motion and the fact that there is another matter before the court that will likely turn into a hearing as well, it is very possible that the court date will not be until the first of the year which would definitely mean a new Judge. I'm just praying and asking for your prayers as well, that the best option is what will transpire.
My life continues on in the midst and although the weight fell back upon me today, I still press forward. I must continue to do the next right thing and trust. In this season of Thanks with all that is going on, I will say that I am Thankful for 3 of the most precious kiddos ever that love me unconditionally, that teach me about life every day, and that share the most contagious laughter. And, I am Thankful for the most amazing prayer warriors that have stood by my side in the midst of all these trials, that encourage me, that inspire me to continue living for and in Him, and that love me when I struggle in all areas.
Psalm 69:30
I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.
Psalm 95:2
Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Follow Your Heart
I thought in light of some things that I have been facing recently, I would take this opportunity to switch gears for a minute and share on a slightly different topic. This journey has brought about many opportunities for growth, reflection, and healing and I've touched on some of those along the way. But, what some may not realize is that in God's plan, the things we gain may be so far from what we might expect. I'm not sure that this lesson is necessarily far off base, but it's certainly not one that I would have envisioned being a part of this process.
Care to take a little journey back in time with me?....Throughout my engagement, I was still in the beginning stages of my career. In fact, I was fresh out of my internship. And, I was able to work in that same place following the internship. And, I was lost! :) But, I worked with some knowledgeable folks and one of them in many ways took me under his wing to "train" me. It was one of my greatest experiences in the field. And, the added benefit to it is that is came with an awesome friendship.
Over the course of our working experience and our friendship there were many a moments that I would catch myself thinking, "this is the kind of relationship I want" and naively thinking this would someday happen with my then fiance. And, there were moments when I "felt" far more than I should as a friend and I would quickly push it away and try with every fiber in my being to ignore it. Why? Because I was engaged? Because in my mind that was wrong? Because I tried to bring in the doubt factor and brush it off? But, the bottom line is over time those feelings were very clear for me. That is not to say that I did not love my then fiance. It was confusing at best. But, I allowed myself to continue keeping it at bay rather than truly evaluating what I was experiencing and feeling.
On the grand ole wedding day, just moments before the big walk I began feeling this knot inside. I talked briefly about some of this in the beginning of my blog but certainly not about this particular aspect. I knew something was not "right" you might say and I felt this strong urge to stop the wedding but I didn't tell 'all' the why's. There was a big part of me that felt it wasn't fair to all those that had put forth so much time, energy, and dedication to making this day happen. There was a big part of me that didn't want to disappoint all those that had traveled near and far to share the day with us. Look at all the costs involved, surely this is what they call wedding jitters....writing all of this down seems so absurd yet I have found that this is a very common feeling from so many that walk down that isle when they know deep down that there is something not right about it and that it should not happen.
But, that wasn't all that was going on for me at that moment. I wanted more than anything to send someone for him so that I could talk to him right then and there. But, I didn't. I wanted to stop when I reached his seat walking down the isle, but I didn't. When the preacher said, "If there is anyone here that feels these two should not be married....." I so desperately hoped that he would speak up. And, when that silence led to the continuation of the marriage, my heart literally sank at that moment.
I literally had to grieve this loss. I was indeed very much in love with him. But, I sat in silence. I didn't even know that was possible until I experienced it....to be in love with one and to love another. The end result is that things did change for our friendship on down the road. And, I never told him the truth. It's the only thing I ever kept from him and eventually he found someone and got married himself. But, for me it was yet another lesson.
I allowed my fears to hold me back. And, look at the path I have endured. Don't get me wrong. I strongly believe that painful as it has been and still remains in many aspects, this path is what was necessary for me to get to where I am today. This path gave me 3 of the most precious gifts I could ever receive. This path has caused growth and healing in more ways than I ever dreamed possible. But, there's always that question in the back of my mind....
Life does not always present us with second chances. Oh, how absolutely wonderful that would be, but that is not always the case. So, for me the lesson here is to simply follow your heart. So, cliche huh? But, seriously....I didn't trust myself or maybe I didn't think enough of myself at the time to listen when everything inside was screaming at me. My life today is different. And, I can see it playing out in many ways already. I am grateful for that growth. And, my hope is that I will hang on to that lesson from this day forward. I didn't really see that one coming in the course of this divorce and the trials that have transpired as a result but it's valuable none the less.
Care to take a little journey back in time with me?....Throughout my engagement, I was still in the beginning stages of my career. In fact, I was fresh out of my internship. And, I was able to work in that same place following the internship. And, I was lost! :) But, I worked with some knowledgeable folks and one of them in many ways took me under his wing to "train" me. It was one of my greatest experiences in the field. And, the added benefit to it is that is came with an awesome friendship.
Over the course of our working experience and our friendship there were many a moments that I would catch myself thinking, "this is the kind of relationship I want" and naively thinking this would someday happen with my then fiance. And, there were moments when I "felt" far more than I should as a friend and I would quickly push it away and try with every fiber in my being to ignore it. Why? Because I was engaged? Because in my mind that was wrong? Because I tried to bring in the doubt factor and brush it off? But, the bottom line is over time those feelings were very clear for me. That is not to say that I did not love my then fiance. It was confusing at best. But, I allowed myself to continue keeping it at bay rather than truly evaluating what I was experiencing and feeling.
On the grand ole wedding day, just moments before the big walk I began feeling this knot inside. I talked briefly about some of this in the beginning of my blog but certainly not about this particular aspect. I knew something was not "right" you might say and I felt this strong urge to stop the wedding but I didn't tell 'all' the why's. There was a big part of me that felt it wasn't fair to all those that had put forth so much time, energy, and dedication to making this day happen. There was a big part of me that didn't want to disappoint all those that had traveled near and far to share the day with us. Look at all the costs involved, surely this is what they call wedding jitters....writing all of this down seems so absurd yet I have found that this is a very common feeling from so many that walk down that isle when they know deep down that there is something not right about it and that it should not happen.
But, that wasn't all that was going on for me at that moment. I wanted more than anything to send someone for him so that I could talk to him right then and there. But, I didn't. I wanted to stop when I reached his seat walking down the isle, but I didn't. When the preacher said, "If there is anyone here that feels these two should not be married....." I so desperately hoped that he would speak up. And, when that silence led to the continuation of the marriage, my heart literally sank at that moment.
I literally had to grieve this loss. I was indeed very much in love with him. But, I sat in silence. I didn't even know that was possible until I experienced it....to be in love with one and to love another. The end result is that things did change for our friendship on down the road. And, I never told him the truth. It's the only thing I ever kept from him and eventually he found someone and got married himself. But, for me it was yet another lesson.
I allowed my fears to hold me back. And, look at the path I have endured. Don't get me wrong. I strongly believe that painful as it has been and still remains in many aspects, this path is what was necessary for me to get to where I am today. This path gave me 3 of the most precious gifts I could ever receive. This path has caused growth and healing in more ways than I ever dreamed possible. But, there's always that question in the back of my mind....
Life does not always present us with second chances. Oh, how absolutely wonderful that would be, but that is not always the case. So, for me the lesson here is to simply follow your heart. So, cliche huh? But, seriously....I didn't trust myself or maybe I didn't think enough of myself at the time to listen when everything inside was screaming at me. My life today is different. And, I can see it playing out in many ways already. I am grateful for that growth. And, my hope is that I will hang on to that lesson from this day forward. I didn't really see that one coming in the course of this divorce and the trials that have transpired as a result but it's valuable none the less.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
No Surprise Here
Here we go again: Wow! I received a call today from my attorney. Another motion has been filed to have me pay for his attorney fees associated with the motion we dropped. What?....Yes! It also came with the "final tally" of the costs incurred from the previous order in which I am to pay for his fees and the result is: AN ASTRONOMICAL AMOUNT that I would not be able to pay even if everything I could earn working 40 hours a week within a year went straight to him. More insanity at it's finest! I'm pretty sure that what they are asking for can not even be done in accordance to the law if I remember correctly. That; however, means nothing in light of what has already transpired in our case.
So, what's next? We respond tomorrow. There may be even more than a response at this point, but this is the beginning. Typically, this is not something that would have to be set for a hearing but it just may be given the circumstances. It really depends at this point. And, so....we wait.
I'm feeling okay for this moment. When reading through the motion and sorting through all of the lies that were included within that motion, I was literally trembling not from fear but just an involuntary reaction. Who knows what will happen! I think everyone knows my lack of faith in the system but I hang on to my faith in God!
For right now, I am okay and the fear does not exist. That comes from Him! That inner peace is priceless and it's His gift. That being said, I value your prayers. And, I'm asking that you pour on the prayers at this moment and throughout tomorrow and the remainder of this week. This can really go a few different ways. We are praying for the best in hopes that our response opens up the door for questions.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Psalm 5:10-12
12 Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
So, what's next? We respond tomorrow. There may be even more than a response at this point, but this is the beginning. Typically, this is not something that would have to be set for a hearing but it just may be given the circumstances. It really depends at this point. And, so....we wait.
I'm feeling okay for this moment. When reading through the motion and sorting through all of the lies that were included within that motion, I was literally trembling not from fear but just an involuntary reaction. Who knows what will happen! I think everyone knows my lack of faith in the system but I hang on to my faith in God!
For right now, I am okay and the fear does not exist. That comes from Him! That inner peace is priceless and it's His gift. That being said, I value your prayers. And, I'm asking that you pour on the prayers at this moment and throughout tomorrow and the remainder of this week. This can really go a few different ways. We are praying for the best in hopes that our response opens up the door for questions.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Psalm 5:10-12
New International Version (NIV)
10 Declare them guilty, O God!
Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
for they have rebelled against you.
11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
for they have rebelled against you.
11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Power to the People
This past weekend brought about the word empowerment in my life. It was a busy weekend, filled with lots of joys, lots of excitement, lots of activities, and lots of people. Empowerment by definition means:
Proverbs 1:5
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—
em·pow·er
verb (used with object)
1. to give power or authority to; authorize, especially by legal or official means: I empowered my agent to make the deal for me. The local ordinance empowers the board of health to close unsanitary restaurants.
2. to enable or permit: Wealth empowered him to live a comfortable life.
It has been more than extremely difficult to feel empowered by any stretch within this process because by the very nature of my ex's illness, he strips all power away. It is how he thrives and he will stop at nothing to make sure it happens. The level of manipulation and control that transpires in dealing with someone that has his illness sucks the very life out of anyone. And, trying to avoid it is next to impossible when you "must" be a part of their world. From a professional stand-point, you are told to avoid them at all costs. In my case, it's simply not possible.
But, this past weekend was different. For an entire weekend, everything that is all consuming in regards to this most bizarre case was put on the back-burner while life existed. I was able to experience one of the many joys of motherhood in watching my daughter celebrate life. I was able to see her joy as she created memories that will last. I was able to visit with other adults as well and just be.....without the heavy weight, the fears, and the burdens of what exists. What a treasure....the kind of treasure that holds value!
Empowerment of any capacity when one is in the midst of despair is amazing. And, experiencing it when involved with someone like my ex is nothing short of a miracle. I'll take it whenever I can get it! And, maybe I'm even creating it at this point as I have taken some steps to get outside of my comfort zone. The weekend prior to this one was also spent surrounded by friends which was good. It gives me that opportunity to simply live and that can not be controlled by another person.
There has been a pro-active shift in one area of my life as some of the pieces are starting to fall into place. More details on this to come in the near future but that in itself is another positive.
Please continue to pray for the most important factor: my children and their safety. But, I would also ask for your prayers that I continue to be open to His guidance on this area of my life and He knows the specifics.
Proverbs 1:5
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
If It Weren't for Bad Luck....
You know that saying, right? I'm starting to feel that way in light of today. Wow! Today, I was blown away....again and our lives now have the potential to be completely turned upside down....again. Did I mention....again? Yes, again!
I have no idea how today's news is going to turn out and so there is a part of me deep down that holds on to that peace that it's all going to be okay. I didn't become overly concerned today when I was hit upside the head with it, but the reality of how things have gone thus far does invoke quite a bit of fear on some levels. I simply do not trust our system at all!
Because of the complexities of the actual event and how it all plays out, the details can not be stated in a blog at this point although it is likely that on this topic, that will soon change. But, in short in the worst case scenario, we are potentially looking at possibilities of homelessness once again and further dangers to innocent lives all derived by choices being made by my ex. Remember my last entry on spite?....It's in full force.
EEK! Was the previous battle not heavy enough? Come on people...can I get a little breather here? Please?....
So, what's God doing right now? Ya wanna know?....I can only tell you portions because that's all that has been revealed but that little portion is enough for today. Remember my last entry? Remember the Hand of God? Remember the ability to focus on myself and my direction which has not been an easy task lately?
Well, it all factors into this event by God's perfect timing. The direction that I am feeling led to may very well be on track. The timing, although perfect in some sense doesn't add up to me in another sense but as I have learned I can not see that far ahead yet. I don't know what exactly is in front of me. And, therefore I must rely on faith again and trust in the process. And, to be more specific in this portion I will say that my chosen career is one that I simply have no desire to return to in terms of the working field. That has been a challenge for me. Growing up, I always knew what I wanted to do and I did it. I knew what my major was going to be when I started college and it never changed. I knew what my end goal was going to be and I accomplished it. And, after doing so and then choosing to become a stay at home mom, I then became very lost. Returning to my field was far from attractive but knowing where to go from here was more than confusing. I have contemplated three different options for quite some time now but have struggled to really know and feel that call in any one direction. In my latest research and in light of what occurred today, I can say that some things make more sense than others and that is where I base the statement that "the direction I am feeling led to may very well be on track." I don't know that for sure and I ask for your prayers in this area as well, that God will show me where I need to be at this time.
In the midst of unknowns, I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am taking the next right step and trying to rely on that faith. I am trying to listen which can be so very hard! And, this is all I know to do right now, until more is revealed.
My dear prayer warriors....I need you now! I don't want to lose all of these things again. I really do not want to go through that process all over, especially in terms of the effects it had on my kiddos. I feel like I'm at my wits end with the other stuff. Please pray that all things will indeed work out. Please pray that we will have and/or find the means to survive in the right time, that doors will open. Please continue to pray that the kiddos open up to the right professionals so that they can be protected. Please pray for my strength to continue through it all even when I do not feel it. And, thank you for being you! Know that you are very loved and appreciated!
This verse seems rather fitting yet again tonight:
I have no idea how today's news is going to turn out and so there is a part of me deep down that holds on to that peace that it's all going to be okay. I didn't become overly concerned today when I was hit upside the head with it, but the reality of how things have gone thus far does invoke quite a bit of fear on some levels. I simply do not trust our system at all!
Because of the complexities of the actual event and how it all plays out, the details can not be stated in a blog at this point although it is likely that on this topic, that will soon change. But, in short in the worst case scenario, we are potentially looking at possibilities of homelessness once again and further dangers to innocent lives all derived by choices being made by my ex. Remember my last entry on spite?....It's in full force.
EEK! Was the previous battle not heavy enough? Come on people...can I get a little breather here? Please?....
So, what's God doing right now? Ya wanna know?....I can only tell you portions because that's all that has been revealed but that little portion is enough for today. Remember my last entry? Remember the Hand of God? Remember the ability to focus on myself and my direction which has not been an easy task lately?
Well, it all factors into this event by God's perfect timing. The direction that I am feeling led to may very well be on track. The timing, although perfect in some sense doesn't add up to me in another sense but as I have learned I can not see that far ahead yet. I don't know what exactly is in front of me. And, therefore I must rely on faith again and trust in the process. And, to be more specific in this portion I will say that my chosen career is one that I simply have no desire to return to in terms of the working field. That has been a challenge for me. Growing up, I always knew what I wanted to do and I did it. I knew what my major was going to be when I started college and it never changed. I knew what my end goal was going to be and I accomplished it. And, after doing so and then choosing to become a stay at home mom, I then became very lost. Returning to my field was far from attractive but knowing where to go from here was more than confusing. I have contemplated three different options for quite some time now but have struggled to really know and feel that call in any one direction. In my latest research and in light of what occurred today, I can say that some things make more sense than others and that is where I base the statement that "the direction I am feeling led to may very well be on track." I don't know that for sure and I ask for your prayers in this area as well, that God will show me where I need to be at this time.
In the midst of unknowns, I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am taking the next right step and trying to rely on that faith. I am trying to listen which can be so very hard! And, this is all I know to do right now, until more is revealed.
My dear prayer warriors....I need you now! I don't want to lose all of these things again. I really do not want to go through that process all over, especially in terms of the effects it had on my kiddos. I feel like I'm at my wits end with the other stuff. Please pray that all things will indeed work out. Please pray that we will have and/or find the means to survive in the right time, that doors will open. Please continue to pray that the kiddos open up to the right professionals so that they can be protected. Please pray for my strength to continue through it all even when I do not feel it. And, thank you for being you! Know that you are very loved and appreciated!
This verse seems rather fitting yet again tonight:
Hebrews 11
New International Version (NIV)
Faith in Action
11 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.Monday, September 24, 2012
The Hand of God
Last week was tough in the beginning and quite emotional. By mid week, there was a moment of change and a shift. And, that moment of change was exactly what I needed at the exact right moment.
Ya tired of hearing about all of this yet?....Try living it! That was pretty much a part of where I was at that pivotal moment. I was so very, very tired. I just wanted it all to go away. The feelings of helplessness and failure are almost unbearable at times and short of a miracle, my only options to make the change necessary would most certainly be criminal. To say it's difficult to be in this spot is kind of like saying water is wet. But, then there was that moment....
In some of the greatest despair, I was given a powerful reminder of a loved one that had long since made his journey to be with God. And, in those moments I felt a hand literally touch me. A touch of love, a touch of compassion, a touch of healing, a touch of warmth. A touch from God?....I looked but saw nothing. Yet, no one could ever convince me that He doesn't exist or that miracles do not exist. I know at that moment, relief washed over me much like it does when I feel the power of all the many prayers being lifted on our behalf. And, that relief lasted throughout the remainder of the week and through the weekend.
I struggled on whether or not to share this experience given it's very personal nature yet I vowed to be open and honest as much as I'm able when I began this blog. And, I also felt that given the reality that good news has been so hard to come by in this case this event may be powerful to share. It solidifies the words of God in how He is always with us no matter what obstacles or trials we may be enduring. And, sometimes a gentle reminder is all we need.
This event gave me the freedom to shift my focus for the remainder of last week. I was able to focus on my daughter's health concerns, my oldest son's struggles, and my baby's intense needs. I was also able to focus a bit on me and some of my direction at this point which has been quite confusing for longer than I'd care to admit. And, it was all good!
Today was tough! It was as "Monday" as Monday can get and I struggled. The emotions came rolling back in and I very much wanted to go and lash out at my ex in hopes that it would somehow make me feel better but I know that's not the answer. On the other extreme, I question if it is my role to pray for my ex in all of his dangerous revenge and spiteful nature. I've been successful once or twice with a sincere heart but I really struggle with this one. I struggle a lot. And, forgiving him knowing the behaviors continue is a concept that my brain can not grasp.
I realized over the weekend, that taking care of me must be more of a priority. It was good for me to get out of my comfort zone a bit. It is necessary for me to process more with folks not only for the genuineness of relationships, but for more healing to transpire as a result (and more healing than can occur hiding behind the computer screen). And, this last weekend was a step in the right direction. I fully believe the "shift" helped me in that process. And, I thank God for that experience.
My prayers continue to be for the innocent and that they will be empowered to share their truths with the right people so that the end can take place and the new beginnings can unfold.
Ya tired of hearing about all of this yet?....Try living it! That was pretty much a part of where I was at that pivotal moment. I was so very, very tired. I just wanted it all to go away. The feelings of helplessness and failure are almost unbearable at times and short of a miracle, my only options to make the change necessary would most certainly be criminal. To say it's difficult to be in this spot is kind of like saying water is wet. But, then there was that moment....
In some of the greatest despair, I was given a powerful reminder of a loved one that had long since made his journey to be with God. And, in those moments I felt a hand literally touch me. A touch of love, a touch of compassion, a touch of healing, a touch of warmth. A touch from God?....I looked but saw nothing. Yet, no one could ever convince me that He doesn't exist or that miracles do not exist. I know at that moment, relief washed over me much like it does when I feel the power of all the many prayers being lifted on our behalf. And, that relief lasted throughout the remainder of the week and through the weekend.
I struggled on whether or not to share this experience given it's very personal nature yet I vowed to be open and honest as much as I'm able when I began this blog. And, I also felt that given the reality that good news has been so hard to come by in this case this event may be powerful to share. It solidifies the words of God in how He is always with us no matter what obstacles or trials we may be enduring. And, sometimes a gentle reminder is all we need.
This event gave me the freedom to shift my focus for the remainder of last week. I was able to focus on my daughter's health concerns, my oldest son's struggles, and my baby's intense needs. I was also able to focus a bit on me and some of my direction at this point which has been quite confusing for longer than I'd care to admit. And, it was all good!
Today was tough! It was as "Monday" as Monday can get and I struggled. The emotions came rolling back in and I very much wanted to go and lash out at my ex in hopes that it would somehow make me feel better but I know that's not the answer. On the other extreme, I question if it is my role to pray for my ex in all of his dangerous revenge and spiteful nature. I've been successful once or twice with a sincere heart but I really struggle with this one. I struggle a lot. And, forgiving him knowing the behaviors continue is a concept that my brain can not grasp.
I realized over the weekend, that taking care of me must be more of a priority. It was good for me to get out of my comfort zone a bit. It is necessary for me to process more with folks not only for the genuineness of relationships, but for more healing to transpire as a result (and more healing than can occur hiding behind the computer screen). And, this last weekend was a step in the right direction. I fully believe the "shift" helped me in that process. And, I thank God for that experience.
My prayers continue to be for the innocent and that they will be empowered to share their truths with the right people so that the end can take place and the new beginnings can unfold.
1 Chronicles 16:11-13
New International Version (NIV)
11 Look to the Lord and his strength;
seek his face always.
seek his face always.
12 Remember the wonders he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Okay, So I'm Human
Today was another tough day, a tough day that followed a tough week. There was a day this past week that I was absolutely furious! Yeah, I know right....ME? Yep! Angry as all get out. And, I think it's pretty safe to say rightly so....angry that our case has gone through so many dirty hands and unethical practices. Angry that the law has yet to be upheld. Angry that my ex continues to get away with so many things that are so far from okay including outright contempt of nearly every order within our judgment. Angry that our system can not/will not protect the innocent lives that are so important. And, angry that I am completely helpless at this point as a mother and unable to do what a parent has every right to do in such circumstances.
There was also a moment within that anger that I felt this relief wash over me, almost all of a sudden. I vividly remember that moment and I sat down to thank God. And, although I did not say so at the time, I was thanking all of my prayer warriors in that moment because I know that the relief comes from those constant prayers and the most amazing Father ever.
It was certainly not an end to all of the emotions from this journey. But, I greatly treasure those moments. Today, was yet another day filled with emotion. I woke up nearly on the verge of tears. I struggled to keep my composure all day long. And, I did not gain any relief until this evening. The exact "what" behind it is remains uncertain. Maybe it's just in general given all that is going on. Maybe it's more specific to the nightmares my daughter has faced all throughout this week. Maybe it's the struggles I see in my oldest kiddo. I don't suppose it's even vital that I can accurately pinpoint it right now so much as it is vital that I allow myself to walk through it.
It's not an easy road. It's not a road I want to travel. But, it's the path I'm on and it's my role as a parent, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a teacher, and most importantly a Christian to walk through it in a way that is pleasing to God. I don't always do that successfully. But, when I have those moments that are not pleasing to Him, I try learn from them, grow from them, and continue striving to do what is right.
I continue to pray that our journey is near an end and brighter days filled with God's mercy and safety are very near. And, I also continue to pray that this journey will somehow in some way help others that struggle. I would never pray this battle on anyone, but all of our journey's through life are meant to be shared with others. My prayer is that this one will in some way help others that may be struggling to know that you are never alone. No matter what the struggle, knowing the reasons may never come to light. But, there is purpose. There is purpose. There is always opportunity for growth. And, God will be with us in every aspect.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
There was also a moment within that anger that I felt this relief wash over me, almost all of a sudden. I vividly remember that moment and I sat down to thank God. And, although I did not say so at the time, I was thanking all of my prayer warriors in that moment because I know that the relief comes from those constant prayers and the most amazing Father ever.
It was certainly not an end to all of the emotions from this journey. But, I greatly treasure those moments. Today, was yet another day filled with emotion. I woke up nearly on the verge of tears. I struggled to keep my composure all day long. And, I did not gain any relief until this evening. The exact "what" behind it is remains uncertain. Maybe it's just in general given all that is going on. Maybe it's more specific to the nightmares my daughter has faced all throughout this week. Maybe it's the struggles I see in my oldest kiddo. I don't suppose it's even vital that I can accurately pinpoint it right now so much as it is vital that I allow myself to walk through it.
It's not an easy road. It's not a road I want to travel. But, it's the path I'm on and it's my role as a parent, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a teacher, and most importantly a Christian to walk through it in a way that is pleasing to God. I don't always do that successfully. But, when I have those moments that are not pleasing to Him, I try learn from them, grow from them, and continue striving to do what is right.
I continue to pray that our journey is near an end and brighter days filled with God's mercy and safety are very near. And, I also continue to pray that this journey will somehow in some way help others that struggle. I would never pray this battle on anyone, but all of our journey's through life are meant to be shared with others. My prayer is that this one will in some way help others that may be struggling to know that you are never alone. No matter what the struggle, knowing the reasons may never come to light. But, there is purpose. There is purpose. There is always opportunity for growth. And, God will be with us in every aspect.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Serving his Sentence
What a day, what a day! Last week was filled with many long days and nights of preparation as yet another court day approaches. The emotions overflowed as I was reminded of every bitter detail of what has been and is transpiring within our lives. This is only the second motion I have filed against my ex, both of which are contempt. It truly should be a case of 'here ya go, Judge,' case closed. Yet, on Sunday these feelings of massive anxiety started swarming in....my little warning signal you could say....danger, danger! The fears set in....
Yesterday in talking with my attorney, I discover those feelings are not mine alone. It was decided today that we should not go to court tomorrow. And, the bottom line behind it is that the Judge would almost certainly throw me in jail. Yes, you heard me right. I know some of you are going back already trying to re-read and see what exactly it is that you missed. You didn't....trust me. It's more of insanity at it's finest. But, it's also reality. My ex is in clear contempt of nearly everything within the court papers and YES, we can prove it. However, it's not "big enough" in light of the stage that has been set.
We must hold on. We must wait some more. I must continue to endure the abuse at his hands and I must continue to allow other things to keep transpiring at this point. There is no other 'legal' option right now. And, that is a hard pill to swallow. I don't understand. I don't agree. I do feel helpless many days. I do grieve. I do desire it all to be behind us. But, I have to, hard as it is, continue to trust.
God has a plan. There are so many days that I so wish I knew what that plan was all about but I am very lost in that department. I see the little things within it all, the growth, the eye opening experiences, the change in me, the willingness & openness to listen to Him more, and sometimes that is enough. But, to say I do not struggle would be a lie. All of the other battles aside, I want one thing. Many know what that is and it continues to be my prayer constantly. My hope is that 'that' prayer will be answered now.
Driving home today filled with painful emotions, I flipped to my Urbana CD. I was fortunate enough to be able to experience Urbana in my college years and they sang many songs that really touched me then and continue to throughout my life today. One of them was Good to Me. Today, it seemed most appropriate.
I cry out
for your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak
I need your love to free me
Oh Lord, my rock
My strength in weakness,
Come rescue me oh Lord
You are my hope,
your promise never fails me
And my desire
Is to follow you for - e - ver.
For you are good
For you are good
For you are good to me
For you are good
For you are good
For you are good to me.
The other day, I kid you not....this verse was on at least 4, maybe 5 of my FB friend's profiles. It rightly speaks for itself. Please continue to pray for my precious kiddos in these matters. They are the most important ones....period!
John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Yesterday in talking with my attorney, I discover those feelings are not mine alone. It was decided today that we should not go to court tomorrow. And, the bottom line behind it is that the Judge would almost certainly throw me in jail. Yes, you heard me right. I know some of you are going back already trying to re-read and see what exactly it is that you missed. You didn't....trust me. It's more of insanity at it's finest. But, it's also reality. My ex is in clear contempt of nearly everything within the court papers and YES, we can prove it. However, it's not "big enough" in light of the stage that has been set.
We must hold on. We must wait some more. I must continue to endure the abuse at his hands and I must continue to allow other things to keep transpiring at this point. There is no other 'legal' option right now. And, that is a hard pill to swallow. I don't understand. I don't agree. I do feel helpless many days. I do grieve. I do desire it all to be behind us. But, I have to, hard as it is, continue to trust.
God has a plan. There are so many days that I so wish I knew what that plan was all about but I am very lost in that department. I see the little things within it all, the growth, the eye opening experiences, the change in me, the willingness & openness to listen to Him more, and sometimes that is enough. But, to say I do not struggle would be a lie. All of the other battles aside, I want one thing. Many know what that is and it continues to be my prayer constantly. My hope is that 'that' prayer will be answered now.
Driving home today filled with painful emotions, I flipped to my Urbana CD. I was fortunate enough to be able to experience Urbana in my college years and they sang many songs that really touched me then and continue to throughout my life today. One of them was Good to Me. Today, it seemed most appropriate.
Good to Meby Craig Musseau |
The other day, I kid you not....this verse was on at least 4, maybe 5 of my FB friend's profiles. It rightly speaks for itself. Please continue to pray for my precious kiddos in these matters. They are the most important ones....period!
John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Friday, August 31, 2012
The Storm Sets In
I've always heard it said that the storm rages at it's worst right before the calm. Here I am, Lord! Comfort me and protect my precious, little ones. Today could not have been any more emotional. And, it's a very mixed array of emotions I might add. Prayers are being answered but not quite as we had hoped. Confirmations of my worst fears have been overwhelming and even with all that we have....we must wait. Sit and wait while more opportunity for further harm is upon us. At this very hour, at this very minute....and I am completely powerless.
I'm leaning on you, Lord! You are my strength. In You I trust! Let the power of prayers rain through this weekend. Let the power of prayers be ever powerful on Tuesday. Let the power of prayers protect my sweet babies!
As the storm begins to rage, my blog entries have certainly increased. And, a dear friend asked this past week what should be a simple question : "How can we help you?" Yeah, not so simple really. The biggest answer here is prayer....continual, constant prayer. But, this person meant more on the up close and personal level. And, truth be told....I simply did not know. I had to put great thought into it. I continuously try to put one foot in front of the other and keep on living each day in the midst of it all. I haven't really stopped to think about this and part of that is because I know somewhere within that IF I do stop, those emotions may come as a tidal wave. Character defect much?
But, what is reality but to realize that eventually that will occur anyway. See there, I did learn me 'sum' edu-macation huh? ;) Yes, throwing in some attempts at humor to take away the surge because it is here. It's here, not quite in full force but it's here. So, love me. That's what you can do. Love me. Don't pity me....love me. Let me feel. Listen. Let me kick and scream. Let me cry. Let me melt down and be real. Cry with me. Let me rejoice in the fact that although we haven't made it to the other side just yet, the truth is slipping out. Let me fall apart. Help me back up. Walk with me. Love my kiddos. And, when we do walk to other side, help us all to pick up the pieces and move on. Love me at my worst so that I can thrive at my best. For right now I am weak, so very weak and if not for my Savior Jesus Christ....I have no idea how I could travel this road.
Lord, let me be a light for you in it all. Let me shine your word that says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0 Mercy Me: The Hurt and the Healer
I'm leaning on you, Lord! You are my strength. In You I trust! Let the power of prayers rain through this weekend. Let the power of prayers be ever powerful on Tuesday. Let the power of prayers protect my sweet babies!
As the storm begins to rage, my blog entries have certainly increased. And, a dear friend asked this past week what should be a simple question : "How can we help you?" Yeah, not so simple really. The biggest answer here is prayer....continual, constant prayer. But, this person meant more on the up close and personal level. And, truth be told....I simply did not know. I had to put great thought into it. I continuously try to put one foot in front of the other and keep on living each day in the midst of it all. I haven't really stopped to think about this and part of that is because I know somewhere within that IF I do stop, those emotions may come as a tidal wave. Character defect much?
But, what is reality but to realize that eventually that will occur anyway. See there, I did learn me 'sum' edu-macation huh? ;) Yes, throwing in some attempts at humor to take away the surge because it is here. It's here, not quite in full force but it's here. So, love me. That's what you can do. Love me. Don't pity me....love me. Let me feel. Listen. Let me kick and scream. Let me cry. Let me melt down and be real. Cry with me. Let me rejoice in the fact that although we haven't made it to the other side just yet, the truth is slipping out. Let me fall apart. Help me back up. Walk with me. Love my kiddos. And, when we do walk to other side, help us all to pick up the pieces and move on. Love me at my worst so that I can thrive at my best. For right now I am weak, so very weak and if not for my Savior Jesus Christ....I have no idea how I could travel this road.
Lord, let me be a light for you in it all. Let me shine your word that says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0 Mercy Me: The Hurt and the Healer
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Mighty Prayer Warriors
Could this be it?
This past week, several new people stumbled across this blog for the first time and with that came new prayer warriors. Thank you, Lord! It could not have happened at a better time. And, again....there was a moment this week in which I felt those prayers and their mighty power. In the midst of moments in which I wanted to simply give up, cater to the enemy for the sake of it being "over", or simply run away the peace from the power of prayers washed over me.
It did not keep me solely focused on the task at hand with the preparations before me. I have struggled in that area and likely should have accomplished far more at this point, but tonight...tonight things happened.
I don't know if it's enough and I don't know how it may be "perceived" by the powers that be....but it brought me down to my knees in a mixed array of tears both for the event itself and the glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe this is what we needed.
I know that's vague. It's one of those moments in the journey that due to the sensitive nature of what is taking place, the details can not be revealed here. But, the short of it all is that the "evidence" we have been lacking may have just been presented. It could still be a stretch but it is certainly far closer than we have been thus far. And, tomorrow may bring it to light. Tomorrow, given the professional call of what has transpired will hopefully be enough to protect the innocent. This is my prayer. And, I am asking all of my mighty prayer warriors to join forces right now.
What ever you are doing....please stop for a moment. For those that know names, please pray specifically for them. For those that do not, God knows. I just ask that you lift them up now. I don't have much faith in the system and I'm sure that's understandably so if you have followed my entire journey here. But, I do have faith in God. And, I have faith in miracles. And, I know that hard as it is....HIS timing is always perfect.
There is always that chance that this may not be enough and if it's not, I will still press forward fighting with all that I have for what is right. But, I'm hoping tonight's events are the key. Thank you again for being a part of the journey with me.
Job 6
This past week, several new people stumbled across this blog for the first time and with that came new prayer warriors. Thank you, Lord! It could not have happened at a better time. And, again....there was a moment this week in which I felt those prayers and their mighty power. In the midst of moments in which I wanted to simply give up, cater to the enemy for the sake of it being "over", or simply run away the peace from the power of prayers washed over me.
It did not keep me solely focused on the task at hand with the preparations before me. I have struggled in that area and likely should have accomplished far more at this point, but tonight...tonight things happened.
I don't know if it's enough and I don't know how it may be "perceived" by the powers that be....but it brought me down to my knees in a mixed array of tears both for the event itself and the glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe this is what we needed.
I know that's vague. It's one of those moments in the journey that due to the sensitive nature of what is taking place, the details can not be revealed here. But, the short of it all is that the "evidence" we have been lacking may have just been presented. It could still be a stretch but it is certainly far closer than we have been thus far. And, tomorrow may bring it to light. Tomorrow, given the professional call of what has transpired will hopefully be enough to protect the innocent. This is my prayer. And, I am asking all of my mighty prayer warriors to join forces right now.
What ever you are doing....please stop for a moment. For those that know names, please pray specifically for them. For those that do not, God knows. I just ask that you lift them up now. I don't have much faith in the system and I'm sure that's understandably so if you have followed my entire journey here. But, I do have faith in God. And, I have faith in miracles. And, I know that hard as it is....HIS timing is always perfect.
There is always that chance that this may not be enough and if it's not, I will still press forward fighting with all that I have for what is right. But, I'm hoping tonight's events are the key. Thank you again for being a part of the journey with me.
Job 6
Job 6:8
“Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for,
“Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for,
Job 6:11
“What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?
“What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
God Speaks to Failing Strength
Today was by far one of the toughest days I've faced. It started out with emotions generated by an event that reminded me much of Jr. High. Do you ever get put in those situations today? Geez. Sometimes I forget that everyone is on a different level and that possibility still exists. None the less, it came with much discomfort and I struggled to know whether or not I should confront the issue. Instead, I found deep within that it is probably better that I just allow those beliefs of the other to be what they are rather than create what would likely be an embarrassing moment for that person. Growing up is so hard sometimes!
But, this was coupled with something far more painful than words can express. I spent this entire day preparing documents for court. And, the documents that I am preparing force me to recall every painful moment, every painful story, every painful report that my precious little ones have shared with me. It reminds me of all those times that I "should" be able to protect and am not permitted due to our system. It brings up those helpless feelings and those feelings that this will never end. It brings up those feelings of failure as a mother and I gotta say, the weight of it all was so intense today.
I'm a strong person. I've overcome a lot in my life but today I thought I might just break. Today, I struggled with feelings of wanting to just throw in the towel. And, then I took a break and jumped onto facebook. And, the very first post I read from a friend was as follows:
But, this was coupled with something far more painful than words can express. I spent this entire day preparing documents for court. And, the documents that I am preparing force me to recall every painful moment, every painful story, every painful report that my precious little ones have shared with me. It reminds me of all those times that I "should" be able to protect and am not permitted due to our system. It brings up those helpless feelings and those feelings that this will never end. It brings up those feelings of failure as a mother and I gotta say, the weight of it all was so intense today.
I'm a strong person. I've overcome a lot in my life but today I thought I might just break. Today, I struggled with feelings of wanting to just throw in the towel. And, then I took a break and jumped onto facebook. And, the very first post I read from a friend was as follows:
Deuteronomy 1:12
But how can I bear your problems and your burdens and your disputes all by myself?
But how can I bear your problems and your burdens and your disputes all by myself?
Psalm 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
Galatians 6:2
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Beach Bummed....
The past two weeks have been a little different in our worlds and for the most part, in a good way. Traditionally, we take a beach trip each year now. This was started as a result of a very loving friend that "slightly" twisted my arm into doing something that would be good not only for our family unit as a whole but additionally something that would be good for ME. What a concept, eh? I'm typically not very good at doing things for myself. But, one taste of this experience was all I needed. It really hit home for me and it became "our" gift from then on.
Unfortunately, due to all of the court may-ham that has been inflicted upon us and all the funding that it requires, our every last pot is gone including our vacation money. No beach trip for us! :( It was heart-breaking to me and I was extremely sad that I could not provide this to my precious kiddos. But, I decided to do what I could for "our vacation". Thanks to coupons, memberships, and grandparents we were able to participate in many adventures right here at home.
We spent days fishing, bowling, skating, going to the Discovery Museum, the Zoo, and the Wonder Place. We had a few movie nights, game nights, and special treat nights. We truly tried to make the best of what we had in front of us and it was a pure joy to these kids as well as to me having the opportunity to watch them. I don't think they are nearly as upset about missing the beach as me and that's good. I may have missed out on the opportunity to get rejuvenated but I am honored to be their Mother and to be able to see the joy on their faces as they explore and grow.
The end of our time was met with one that continues to dictate, demand, and control....something that he finds great pleasure in at this moment. Our vacation time was cut short per the court order and yet, I have no control over it due to the circumstances. It was done purely out of a vindictive nature and it tears me up inside. It continues on today with more demands and more control on such a level that a certain level of harm crosses our paths. My hope is that the truth will be revealed PRONTO! Forget soon....I've been hoping for "soon" for 3 years now. Let's make it PRONTO, for their sakes.
In other news, I did finally take the big plunge and do something for me. I missed the beach so it had to be "something" right? I took the big plunge of a first date. Yep, kind of scary I must admit. For a long, long time I simply wasn't interested. But, I finally took that step. And, a part of the final decision came from a dear friend encouraging me (once again) to do something for ME. Amazingly, I listened. Thank you, friend!
Here's looking for a good week. May you all be blessed. Thank you for being a part of the journey with me.
Help me Lord to remember Your words!
Whoever does these things
will never be shaken.
Unfortunately, due to all of the court may-ham that has been inflicted upon us and all the funding that it requires, our every last pot is gone including our vacation money. No beach trip for us! :( It was heart-breaking to me and I was extremely sad that I could not provide this to my precious kiddos. But, I decided to do what I could for "our vacation". Thanks to coupons, memberships, and grandparents we were able to participate in many adventures right here at home.
We spent days fishing, bowling, skating, going to the Discovery Museum, the Zoo, and the Wonder Place. We had a few movie nights, game nights, and special treat nights. We truly tried to make the best of what we had in front of us and it was a pure joy to these kids as well as to me having the opportunity to watch them. I don't think they are nearly as upset about missing the beach as me and that's good. I may have missed out on the opportunity to get rejuvenated but I am honored to be their Mother and to be able to see the joy on their faces as they explore and grow.
The end of our time was met with one that continues to dictate, demand, and control....something that he finds great pleasure in at this moment. Our vacation time was cut short per the court order and yet, I have no control over it due to the circumstances. It was done purely out of a vindictive nature and it tears me up inside. It continues on today with more demands and more control on such a level that a certain level of harm crosses our paths. My hope is that the truth will be revealed PRONTO! Forget soon....I've been hoping for "soon" for 3 years now. Let's make it PRONTO, for their sakes.
In other news, I did finally take the big plunge and do something for me. I missed the beach so it had to be "something" right? I took the big plunge of a first date. Yep, kind of scary I must admit. For a long, long time I simply wasn't interested. But, I finally took that step. And, a part of the final decision came from a dear friend encouraging me (once again) to do something for ME. Amazingly, I listened. Thank you, friend!
Here's looking for a good week. May you all be blessed. Thank you for being a part of the journey with me.
Help me Lord to remember Your words!
Psalm 15
A psalm of David.
1 Lord, who may dwell in your sacred tent?
Who may live on your holy mountain?
Who may live on your holy mountain?
2 The one whose walk is blameless,
who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from their heart;
3 whose tongue utters no slander,
who does no wrong to a neighbor,
and casts no slur on others;
4 who despises a vile person
but honors those who fear the Lord;
who keeps an oath even when it hurts,
and does not change their mind;
5 who lends money to the poor without interest;
who does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from their heart;
3 whose tongue utters no slander,
who does no wrong to a neighbor,
and casts no slur on others;
4 who despises a vile person
but honors those who fear the Lord;
who keeps an oath even when it hurts,
and does not change their mind;
5 who lends money to the poor without interest;
who does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
will never be shaken.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
What Prayer Will Do!
I can always tell when my friends have joined together to pray for us. I know because I feel it....yes, literally. And, the past two days are fine examples. I have been free from the heavy burden for these past two days, free from the fears, and free from the concerns of what is to come. I have been able to focus solely on my precious kiddos.
Today, I was able to sit back and witness the remarkable engineer-like mind of my oldest child as he was completely fascinated by how things work and even more intrigued by the thought of creating new ways to make the same objects work. I witnessed this same child melt at the sight of animals and quickly fall into a role of caring and healing. And, more still the mimicking behavior of a hibachi chef as he whipped up a meal for me to feast on and in doing so, never missed a beat of every intricate detail involved in the process.
I was able to witness the meticulous ways of my girl and her systematic way of play that truly gives her great joy. She maps out everything in her mind and makes it happen from that point. I was reminded of her passion for animals and the amazing connection she has with them unlike any typical response I see from day to day with other children. She even allowed her sensitive nature to shine through in the midst of today's activities and in doing so exposed her heart so full of love.
And, I was able to witness my baby so musically inclined get into the groove with the right rhythm and beat. I watched his cooperative, easy going nature shine while he joyfully explored new adventures. And, in the midst of these new adventures I could see those little wheels turning in his head as he tried to figure out the details of how each thing functioned. I was ecstatic to see his ability to express himself without concern of others and his perseverance to sit patiently while working to achieve a task.
Thank you, Lord! Thank you, friends! Thank you for the reprieve of all else in the world for these precious moments. I will joyfully accept any reprieve at anytime. It reminds me that this is not forever. Nothing is permanent in this world. And, it reminds me that THIS is what I am fighting for and they are worth any burden that I must bare. They bring more joy than words could ever express. What an amazing gift from God they are and I will continue to do everything in my power to protect them.
Today, I was able to sit back and witness the remarkable engineer-like mind of my oldest child as he was completely fascinated by how things work and even more intrigued by the thought of creating new ways to make the same objects work. I witnessed this same child melt at the sight of animals and quickly fall into a role of caring and healing. And, more still the mimicking behavior of a hibachi chef as he whipped up a meal for me to feast on and in doing so, never missed a beat of every intricate detail involved in the process.
I was able to witness the meticulous ways of my girl and her systematic way of play that truly gives her great joy. She maps out everything in her mind and makes it happen from that point. I was reminded of her passion for animals and the amazing connection she has with them unlike any typical response I see from day to day with other children. She even allowed her sensitive nature to shine through in the midst of today's activities and in doing so exposed her heart so full of love.
And, I was able to witness my baby so musically inclined get into the groove with the right rhythm and beat. I watched his cooperative, easy going nature shine while he joyfully explored new adventures. And, in the midst of these new adventures I could see those little wheels turning in his head as he tried to figure out the details of how each thing functioned. I was ecstatic to see his ability to express himself without concern of others and his perseverance to sit patiently while working to achieve a task.
Thank you, Lord! Thank you, friends! Thank you for the reprieve of all else in the world for these precious moments. I will joyfully accept any reprieve at anytime. It reminds me that this is not forever. Nothing is permanent in this world. And, it reminds me that THIS is what I am fighting for and they are worth any burden that I must bare. They bring more joy than words could ever express. What an amazing gift from God they are and I will continue to do everything in my power to protect them.
Psalm 150
1 Praise the Lord.[a]
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
2 Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
3 Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
4 praise him with timbrel and dancing,
praise him with the strings and pipe,
5 praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
praise him in his mighty heavens.
2 Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
3 Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
4 praise him with timbrel and dancing,
praise him with the strings and pipe,
5 praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
6 Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
You Can Take 'Me' Out of the Church, but....
Another Sunday has arrived and what an "interesting" day this has become in my world. During the course of my marriage while everyone else looked forward to the weekends, I dreaded them because it meant facing the horrors of my experience....an experience I vividly remember. When I became free of that there was an expected shift in my experience, but not exactly what I had envisioned. The shift removed that dread; however, my Sunday's became somber.
How can this be? This is the Lord's day, a day of rest, a day of reflection, a day of rejuvenating, and a day of celebrating life through Him. And, there are likely many reasons behind it but I struggled to isolate them in my own world. I had a vague idea as to one reason and beyond that I simply walked through it week after week.
Today, a topic arose in our SS class that triggered more of that core root. And, it trickles back to that moment that I was asked to leave my former church. Here lies this new pastor completely lacking in knowledge of who I am, who my ex is, or any facet of our relationship and the dynamics of what had taken place. And, yet in light of a rumor generated by others I was given not the third, but the thirty-third degree via a voicemail in which I was told never to return to the church because I was not welcome. This came from the preacher and the preacher alone....not a group, not a committee, and not even with the confrontation to affirm any validity of what had been alleged. I wasn't exactly hurt at this point. I was angry. And, I called a meeting with the pastor and another member of the church to confront the issue. It took great lengths of conversation and quite bluntly "arm twisting" just to get this preacher to agree to meet and talk. Within that conversation I became vulnerable and revealed some of my experience and also challenged this claimed authority he had taken on as I verbalized the "proper" steps of removing one from the church. It came with a semi-calm but blank stare indicating the lack of belief to my experience. The end result is that I was not "kicked" out of the church, but it was indeed over for me at that point.
It was over because half of the members fell into a very difficult place and without question believed all the hub-bub of what was circulating. Add this to the lack of support from the leader of the church, one who single-handedly tried to cast me out and the end result is that I truly was not welcome as a whole. I got tired of the stares, the glares, and the whispers coming from those I had called family. It saddened me to no end as there was still half that loved, supported, and prayed along with me through it all. It saddened me because of those that fell in the other category, not one....not one single ONE ever took it upon themselves to seek the truth. But, the pain of remaining was far too great at that moment. I had to walk away.
I will tell you that of all the painful moments along the way, aside from the pain involved with my precious kiddos and matters directly involving them, this was by far the most painful part of the entire process for me! This was my church, my home, my family....I loved them dearly and still do. I shared with them. I became vulnerable with them. I grew with them. And, this was the end result....during a time when I needed them most. I am so very, very grateful for the ones that did continue to love and support me during that time, but it became hard to tell with others which direction they were leaning.
I realized in some degree today that this is a portion of what carries on for me. I have a new home, a loving home, and one that challenges me to continue growing. But, to break down that wall on such a level as to become "that" vulnerable again is not easy. Whether it's a bit of fear that history may repeat itself unrealistic as that may be, or the simple fact that I haven't completely grieved the former loss or maybe a combination....here in lies the somber Sunday's.
I don't dread Sundays. It's not every Sunday and that's not the only reason behind it. Some Sunday's are more of a release from the week, a moment in which I'm not running around and therefore am able to simply sit and feel those emotions of everything currently taking place. But, it's time that this too take a shift. And, blogging this portion of the journey is a step in the right direction. It's a minor detail in retrospect of the entire experience as it played out as there were so many other factors and situations that also had quite an impact, but it's the overview that can best be summed up here.
The bottom line is that my battle wounds from this experience still hurt and they go deep. They have played a vital role in my hesitations to become close to my new family. But, they will not win. There was a time in my life many, many years ago where I would have walked away from the church as a result but I know that is not the answer. I know that these actions were by sinners, sinner like me and that God is and always will be the answer. I'm grateful to have that strength today.
Exodus 15:2
“The LORD is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
How can this be? This is the Lord's day, a day of rest, a day of reflection, a day of rejuvenating, and a day of celebrating life through Him. And, there are likely many reasons behind it but I struggled to isolate them in my own world. I had a vague idea as to one reason and beyond that I simply walked through it week after week.
Today, a topic arose in our SS class that triggered more of that core root. And, it trickles back to that moment that I was asked to leave my former church. Here lies this new pastor completely lacking in knowledge of who I am, who my ex is, or any facet of our relationship and the dynamics of what had taken place. And, yet in light of a rumor generated by others I was given not the third, but the thirty-third degree via a voicemail in which I was told never to return to the church because I was not welcome. This came from the preacher and the preacher alone....not a group, not a committee, and not even with the confrontation to affirm any validity of what had been alleged. I wasn't exactly hurt at this point. I was angry. And, I called a meeting with the pastor and another member of the church to confront the issue. It took great lengths of conversation and quite bluntly "arm twisting" just to get this preacher to agree to meet and talk. Within that conversation I became vulnerable and revealed some of my experience and also challenged this claimed authority he had taken on as I verbalized the "proper" steps of removing one from the church. It came with a semi-calm but blank stare indicating the lack of belief to my experience. The end result is that I was not "kicked" out of the church, but it was indeed over for me at that point.
It was over because half of the members fell into a very difficult place and without question believed all the hub-bub of what was circulating. Add this to the lack of support from the leader of the church, one who single-handedly tried to cast me out and the end result is that I truly was not welcome as a whole. I got tired of the stares, the glares, and the whispers coming from those I had called family. It saddened me to no end as there was still half that loved, supported, and prayed along with me through it all. It saddened me because of those that fell in the other category, not one....not one single ONE ever took it upon themselves to seek the truth. But, the pain of remaining was far too great at that moment. I had to walk away.
I will tell you that of all the painful moments along the way, aside from the pain involved with my precious kiddos and matters directly involving them, this was by far the most painful part of the entire process for me! This was my church, my home, my family....I loved them dearly and still do. I shared with them. I became vulnerable with them. I grew with them. And, this was the end result....during a time when I needed them most. I am so very, very grateful for the ones that did continue to love and support me during that time, but it became hard to tell with others which direction they were leaning.
I realized in some degree today that this is a portion of what carries on for me. I have a new home, a loving home, and one that challenges me to continue growing. But, to break down that wall on such a level as to become "that" vulnerable again is not easy. Whether it's a bit of fear that history may repeat itself unrealistic as that may be, or the simple fact that I haven't completely grieved the former loss or maybe a combination....here in lies the somber Sunday's.
I don't dread Sundays. It's not every Sunday and that's not the only reason behind it. Some Sunday's are more of a release from the week, a moment in which I'm not running around and therefore am able to simply sit and feel those emotions of everything currently taking place. But, it's time that this too take a shift. And, blogging this portion of the journey is a step in the right direction. It's a minor detail in retrospect of the entire experience as it played out as there were so many other factors and situations that also had quite an impact, but it's the overview that can best be summed up here.
The bottom line is that my battle wounds from this experience still hurt and they go deep. They have played a vital role in my hesitations to become close to my new family. But, they will not win. There was a time in my life many, many years ago where I would have walked away from the church as a result but I know that is not the answer. I know that these actions were by sinners, sinner like me and that God is and always will be the answer. I'm grateful to have that strength today.
Exodus 15:2
“The LORD is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
Monday, August 13, 2012
The Rollercoaster Ride
My heart is heavy right now. The past few weeks have been a complete roller coaster ride with that heavy heart setting in about every other day give or take. To say it's uncomfortable is an understatement. I simply do not like being in this place. But, reflecting back this is more than an absolute nightmare. It's the case that makes every attorney's jaw drop. It's the scenario that creates new laws as a result of injustices. And, then I look forward and ask how we simply move on. My role is to protect and yet that has been stripped away from me. My role is still to protect!
I will go to my grave trying everything within my powers, within legal standards to protect. What I'd love to do right now is to run....far, far away. Why, oh why do I have a conscience?!? I can not do it not only because it is wrong but because that is not the life I want for my precious, little ones.
So, how does one move on? When I say I'm waiting on my miracle....it's no exaggeration. I don't know that anything in our world....our broken, sinful world can help to resolve this situation. I have prayed many countless prayers through this process and cried many painful tears. My faith has wavered multiple times as a result of my fear but I have to hang on to that one important element: hope!
My prayer has always been that the truth would be revealed to the powers that be and somewhere deep down that hope still remains....that the truth WILL be revealed and that resolve will begin to occur and that healing will result. It's not a matter of "if" for me....it's a matter of when. It simply must happen.
I have learned many, many things on this journey and grown more than I would ever have imagined. I'm ready to begin a new one! Better yet, I'm ready to take a break before beginning a new one! Life is so much more than this, yet for us...."this" is all consuming at times, more times than I'd like to admit.
For now, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other taking baby steps when necessary and allowing God to carry me when I'm unable to move.
17 “Blessed is the one whom God corrects;
so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.
I will go to my grave trying everything within my powers, within legal standards to protect. What I'd love to do right now is to run....far, far away. Why, oh why do I have a conscience?!? I can not do it not only because it is wrong but because that is not the life I want for my precious, little ones.
So, how does one move on? When I say I'm waiting on my miracle....it's no exaggeration. I don't know that anything in our world....our broken, sinful world can help to resolve this situation. I have prayed many countless prayers through this process and cried many painful tears. My faith has wavered multiple times as a result of my fear but I have to hang on to that one important element: hope!
My prayer has always been that the truth would be revealed to the powers that be and somewhere deep down that hope still remains....that the truth WILL be revealed and that resolve will begin to occur and that healing will result. It's not a matter of "if" for me....it's a matter of when. It simply must happen.
I have learned many, many things on this journey and grown more than I would ever have imagined. I'm ready to begin a new one! Better yet, I'm ready to take a break before beginning a new one! Life is so much more than this, yet for us...."this" is all consuming at times, more times than I'd like to admit.
For now, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other taking baby steps when necessary and allowing God to carry me when I'm unable to move.
Job 5:15-17
New International Version (NIV)
15 He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
16 So the poor have hope,
and injustice shuts its mouth.
he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
16 So the poor have hope,
and injustice shuts its mouth.
so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
His Time, Not Mine
That miracle did not happen in my time and I can not even begin to put into words how very painful this event was for me. On some levels, I wondered how in the world I would make it through this weekend. And, on others I knew that God was still very much in control. My peace within existed, yet my fears wavered.
I had great opportunities for distraction which helped in many ways even though it could not erase the burden on my heart. I struggled. And, unable to sleep found myself experiencing all the emotions again. There are so many questions, so many "are you kidding me?" moments, so many unjust outcomes thus far.
I heard this song this morning on the radio and found myself not only relating heavily but finding slight comfort within it's message: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ. (Laura Story--Blessings) What if these trials are your mercy's in disguise? It kind of coincides with a message that came to me in the beginning of this journey 3 years ago. I heard this message and I suppose you could say it was direct from God, but it came to me that I would have to lose everything to gain it all.
I didn't know exactly what that meant but over the past 3 years I have come to understand a great deal of that message. I have lost so much. I went from a "life of luxury" if you will to poverty. I lost my home. I lost my church family by being cast out. I lost many, many friends. I lost my life savings. I lost my children's educational funds. I lost many monetary items. I even lost my state license to practice. And, yet I feel as though I have more than I ever did before. Up until this past court date, I have not felt that the end was quite here. But, in light of the latest loss, I now question is this it? Please, Dear Lord....let this be it!
For in this last ruling, I have lost more than my mind can fathom. There are some aspects of loss that I have not yet discussed with others but it may be the cornerstone for me in this journey. It is an area that I continue to pray about and seek answers and it is an area that is tough to digest. The other aspects of loss are obvious and I grieve along with many others that know the fine details and fail to comprehend just as much as I do.
I am tired! I am so, so very tired. The journey takes it all out of me. And, yet central themes/messages continue to prevail. The topic of today's sermon was Hebrews 12:1-3.
It states, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And, let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of highest honor beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up."
How very powerful is that....and at the most perfect time! There is that part of me that wants to give up just so that it will end. But, that's not the answer and much as I would like it to be that simple, it simply is not. I must persevere. I must continue to move forward not for me, but for my children. What an amazing strength they provide. And, I must do so in the right manner because it is a testament of faith. I do believe in God. I do believe He has a purpose in all of these trials. And, I must continue to trust that hard as it is, and live each day according to His will and His plan and hope that I will be able to one day see the full picture and understand.
All praise and glory be to God!
I had great opportunities for distraction which helped in many ways even though it could not erase the burden on my heart. I struggled. And, unable to sleep found myself experiencing all the emotions again. There are so many questions, so many "are you kidding me?" moments, so many unjust outcomes thus far.
I heard this song this morning on the radio and found myself not only relating heavily but finding slight comfort within it's message: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ. (Laura Story--Blessings) What if these trials are your mercy's in disguise? It kind of coincides with a message that came to me in the beginning of this journey 3 years ago. I heard this message and I suppose you could say it was direct from God, but it came to me that I would have to lose everything to gain it all.
I didn't know exactly what that meant but over the past 3 years I have come to understand a great deal of that message. I have lost so much. I went from a "life of luxury" if you will to poverty. I lost my home. I lost my church family by being cast out. I lost many, many friends. I lost my life savings. I lost my children's educational funds. I lost many monetary items. I even lost my state license to practice. And, yet I feel as though I have more than I ever did before. Up until this past court date, I have not felt that the end was quite here. But, in light of the latest loss, I now question is this it? Please, Dear Lord....let this be it!
For in this last ruling, I have lost more than my mind can fathom. There are some aspects of loss that I have not yet discussed with others but it may be the cornerstone for me in this journey. It is an area that I continue to pray about and seek answers and it is an area that is tough to digest. The other aspects of loss are obvious and I grieve along with many others that know the fine details and fail to comprehend just as much as I do.
I am tired! I am so, so very tired. The journey takes it all out of me. And, yet central themes/messages continue to prevail. The topic of today's sermon was Hebrews 12:1-3.
It states, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And, let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of highest honor beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up."
How very powerful is that....and at the most perfect time! There is that part of me that wants to give up just so that it will end. But, that's not the answer and much as I would like it to be that simple, it simply is not. I must persevere. I must continue to move forward not for me, but for my children. What an amazing strength they provide. And, I must do so in the right manner because it is a testament of faith. I do believe in God. I do believe He has a purpose in all of these trials. And, I must continue to trust that hard as it is, and live each day according to His will and His plan and hope that I will be able to one day see the full picture and understand.
All praise and glory be to God!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Eyes on Heaven
I am here and I am breathing and just for today that is all I can do. My tears have been overflowing and my brain simply can not comprehend the situation. Thank goodness for friends and prayer and above all else a loving God that embraces me during these difficult trials.
There are many people doing some fancy footwork right now in efforts to see if wrongs can be made right. Even in the midst of the wrongs that have been made, the endeavor to make it right will likely be an uphill battle and without a true miracle will not prevent further and unnecessary damage and trauma to the innocent.
How is a mother to move forward in such as this? I sit back and listen to my oldest son who is wise way beyond his years. I listen to his strong desire to go to Heaven. How amazing is he that is so on fire he longs to be with Jesus. If I can maintain that focus, how much better would things be right now?
Yes, we live in an imperfect world filled with pain and sorrow. Yes, it is temporary. And, yet it is so difficult to maintain our true purpose when faced with trials that knock us off our feet. I had a moment, ever so brief in which I was able to simply sit back and say...."Lord, let me continue to shine for you in the process." Regardless of it all, to hear Jesus say, "Well done my child," would be far greater than anything this earth could possibly offer.
I want to remain faithful. I want to continue giving it over to Him, and trying not to take it back. I want to continue doing the right thing when ever fiber in my being is screaming the opposite! My prayers have steadily increased. I continue to pray for my children's safety and well being but I am also praying for that urgent miracle! I am praying for the guidance in how to provide for this travesty as well. And, I am trying to listen.
Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
There are many people doing some fancy footwork right now in efforts to see if wrongs can be made right. Even in the midst of the wrongs that have been made, the endeavor to make it right will likely be an uphill battle and without a true miracle will not prevent further and unnecessary damage and trauma to the innocent.
How is a mother to move forward in such as this? I sit back and listen to my oldest son who is wise way beyond his years. I listen to his strong desire to go to Heaven. How amazing is he that is so on fire he longs to be with Jesus. If I can maintain that focus, how much better would things be right now?
Yes, we live in an imperfect world filled with pain and sorrow. Yes, it is temporary. And, yet it is so difficult to maintain our true purpose when faced with trials that knock us off our feet. I had a moment, ever so brief in which I was able to simply sit back and say...."Lord, let me continue to shine for you in the process." Regardless of it all, to hear Jesus say, "Well done my child," would be far greater than anything this earth could possibly offer.
I want to remain faithful. I want to continue giving it over to Him, and trying not to take it back. I want to continue doing the right thing when ever fiber in my being is screaming the opposite! My prayers have steadily increased. I continue to pray for my children's safety and well being but I am also praying for that urgent miracle! I am praying for the guidance in how to provide for this travesty as well. And, I am trying to listen.
Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
1 Chronicles 16:11-13
New International Version (NIV)
11 Look to the Lord and his strength;
seek his face always.
seek his face always.
12 Remember the wonders he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 you his servants, the descendants of Israel,
his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.
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